Are you over 18?
Oct 31 2009
Dir: Joanna Angel
If it appears I am unfairly reviewing more Burning Angel videos than other company’s pornos, you would be correct. Joanna Angel is no dummy. She pays me with blowjobs every time I review one of her films in Vice. In fact, she has a list of girls on her site and I am allowed to pick ANY one I want—it’s better than getting the Christmas Toys“R”Us catalog when you’re a kid. This offer is not exclusive to Joanna, though. So any other gals who are interested in getting some press, you know where to find me. And since I have another four weeks before my wife’s baby-launching vagina is reopened for business, prices are negotiable. I will entertain handjobs and even phone sex in trade.
As smart of a business move as Joanna has made with her bribe—her blowola, if you will—and despite the fact that she is a college grad running a very successful business, she often says things to me that make me understand why people keep sticking dicks in her mouth: to shut her the fuck up. She gave me this DVD and unnecessarily, dead-seriously said, “It’s supposed to be a spoof on the tattoo show LA Ink.” No shit, Sherlock. Thank you for filling me in. The obviousness of the title escaped me. The addition of one letter rendered me suddenly illiterate and retarded.
In another brilliant move, she spent four times as much money making this DVD as she normally does because she insisted it have real sets and a script with a plot and acting, as if anyone is buying her discs (or any porn disc) for a plot. I forget what the exact number was, but she said she needed to sell some absurd number of discs just to recoup her money. I wished her good luck since no one pays for porn anymore. She sounded saddened by the fact that she could potentially lose a lot of money on this pet project. It tugged on my heartstrings. And so, in my typical selfless way, I offered her a foolproof moneymaking idea free of charge. Last night, as I was changing a poopy diaper at 4 AM, I had another* ingenious pornographic-movie idea: an all-anal movie using only girls with hemorrhoids called Hey Man! Is That a Hemi? We’d incorporate 70s muscle cars into it somehow. Amazing, right? You know the girls will work cheap because who else is hiring girls with big grapes hanging out of their asses? I told her we could make it for $5,000 and then become filthy rich. She didn’t like the idea.
“I don’t find that funny at all. I had a hemorrhoid once. It’s not cool. They’re very itchy,” she said.
“This is the second time you’re turning your back on a great idea,” I said. “It’s a bit disheartening.”*
She told me she was cranky from fasting for Yom Kippur.
“So don’t take out your religion’s weird sadomasochistic rituals on my idea!” I said, “Give me $5,000 and I’ll make you a mint.”
“I’ll give you five cents,” she said.
“Are you really going to try and Jew me down just because it’s Yom Kippur?”
She said yes.
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.
*The first time, in case you don’t remember, was when she shot down my idea for a backyard-BBQ-themed porno called Pussy on the Rotisserie.
This Week in Racism: Is That Viral Catcalling Video Racist?
This Is What the Inside of an Erotic Haunted House Looks Like
How to Move on from Having Your Skull Crushed to Pieces
A Visit to Rob Zombie's Haunted House... on Acid!
Horror Legends Describe the Scariest Things That Have Ever Happened to Them
Being a Real Witch Has Never Been Much Fun
Kids Draw Weird Shit, but It Doesn't Make Them Murderers
Why Did a Long Island Man Cut Off His Mom's Head?
The Chef Elevating Weed Edibles to a Culinary Art
The Terrors in LA's 'Existential Haunted House' Are Inside Your Own Head