Last Nite

Being a magazine and everything we get a lot of big record companies sending us stuff and offering us all-expenses-paid trips to interview their bands. Unfortunately, they usually want editorial for something that is already too gigantic to say anything new about. When we were offered an all expenses paid trip to LA to interview The Strokes we were like, “It’s a great album and a great band but what could we possibly say that hasn’t been said before?” Then our resident clown Andrew Fenwick offered to go. Besides being a constant source of amusement to the staff here, Andrew is a fall-down dead, drool-in-your-soup alcoholic who can barely handle cashing his trust fund check, let alone tackle a story.

Twenty-four hours after he arrived we received a phone call from their publicity agent. They have his tape recorder and will FedEx it immediately but Andrew has disappeared after being asked to leave the venue for falling asleep on the stage.

Here is the tape which, to his dismay, we transcribed without his help.

VICE: (Keep in mind Andrew is slurring his words like Foster Brooks after a car accident.) Why do people hate on a band just because if they’re so popular? It’s like “Oh that guy in the band’s uncle came in a girl’s ass. They suck.” Even if they haven’t heard the band. It’s such bullshit.

Guitarist Albert Hammond Jr

: That’s good Andrew. That should go in your article (laughs).

WHAT!? You heard me. The guy’s nephew’s friend came in a girl. Yeah, it’s like “yeah, I hate them too.” Why do you have to feel sorry if you like a song? GOD FORBID. It’s like “I love the shit out of this song. There must be a catch. I’ve been duped. I shouldn’t like this.”

Singer Julian Casablancas

: Yeah.

What’s with Courtney Love saying you’re in love with her?

Julian

: What?

You raped her and she ended up crying and tried to kill herself. No, I’m just kidding.

Albert

: That should be your opening quote.

He raped her and she was doing heroin and he stopped her. She burnt her eyeballs with matches and he tried to stop her in tears. His dad worked at a match company and didn’t want the lawsuit. He was hysterical, totally hysterical.

Nick

: What are you talking about, dude? Stop.

I have it written here: “Ask them about your diet.” I don’t know what that means. I don’t give a shit about our diet.

Nick

: Ask us about your diet? What kind of a fucking question is that?

FINE! (The tape is stopped and it seems, judging by the increase in slurring, a fair amount of time has passed since the previous questions) WHAT?!

Authority figure

: Please…

What did you just say to me?

Someone young

: I said fuck you.

Uh, I hope you caught that tape recorder.

The side of my hair has been blown out. My left arm, it’s a bit shaggy.

Guitarist Nick Valensi

: OK, let’s go. Let’s get out of here, Andrew.

Get your hands off me! Tape recorder - getting this? People are shaking me. AND I DON’T THINK IT’S WORKING!!!

Security guard

: All right. Thank you. Let’s go.

ANDREW FENWICK