Let's Colonize Outer Space

NASA Needs to Get a Little More Reckless, Starting with Me

By Kara Crabb

I would like to donate my ova to NASA so that they can raise babies in a highly controlled environment, see how human physiology changes over time/in weird circumstances, and help us get on track to colonize Mars. And, NASA, don’t worry about the ethics committees—I won’t tell them if you don’t.

As Carl Sagan once said, we need to be a two-planet species. Anyone with half a brain should be able to take a look around and go, “Oh yeah, it’s kind of overpopulated and uncomfortable here, we should go to space.” It astounds me that most people ignore this topic in their daily lives, even going so far as to ridicule it when it comes up in conversation. We’re practically already in outer space! Don’t you think we’re kind of putting all our eggs in one basket? NASA, let’s start taking some bigger risks here. Conduct an experimental euthanasia mission already, why don’t you?   

All I want to do is help manage the future equivalents of scurvy, smallpox, the bubonic plague, et al. We’re all familiar with how kooky and turbulent the colonization of America was, and the same goes for Canada’s east coast—do you think that wasn’t sketchy and insane for some pansy-ass French aristocrats? If we want to hitch a ride to the red planet before Earth becomes one giant, uninhabitable superstorm, maybe we should start getting our act together.

Now that we know traveling across huge expanses of space does some weird shit to the human body, it’s probably a good time to do some preplanning for the inevitable migration into the rest of the solar system. Maybe we need to crack a few ova to make an omelet. Maybe we need to kill a couple babies to save the entirety of human civilization, since that’s what everyone seems to care so much about. Let’s stop pussyfooting around the fact that we’re just a stupid 200,000-year-old species—which, I remind you, is not even a skid mark on the shitty underpants of time—and let’s start taking some badass risks to GTFO ASAP.

Here’s what I’m envisioning: I’ll donate my eggs—nay, I’ll donate my whole body—to NASA. I’ll get pregnant as many times as it takes to successfully produce another human being in antigravity, or simulated gravity, or pressurized spacesuits, or whatever. I’ll give birth in space. In an isolated birth-pod. It’ll be crazy. The baby will swim out of my vagina and fly up in the air like a kite, with its umbilical cord still attached. There will be wiggly bubbles of blood and mucus floating around all over the place. Sort of like confetti, I guess. Then I’ll go through a tunnel-chamber with the baby and the birth pod will be flushed. The baby will then spend six months living in a cocoon made out of flexible iPad blankets. Why those don’t exist yet I have no idea. Put that on the list of crap we need to get to work on.

Anyway, the baby’s bones will probably have a hard time developing properly in outer space—ditto its muscles, tissues, and personality. We’ll have to experiment with different methods of keeping its head attached to its spine. We’ll probably have to do some special, crazy baby yoga or something. We’ll definitely end up killing it within the first year, which, now that I’m thinking about it, means I should actually be giving birth to a whole litter of space babies instead of just one. Maybe we should just send an entire spaceship of pregnant women up there so they can all wing it together.  

So to make a long, hypothetical story short, I think preserving a species takes a lot of work, a lot of fuckups, and most likely a lot of morally compromising decisions, all of which I’m completely prepared for. Not because I care about the preservation of human beings, but because otherwise I’m kind of bored and directionless. What's the big holdup, NASA? Everyone wants to see you guys become more reckless, I’m sure of it. If you want to experiment on a healthy female, I’d be happy to dispose my body to you—I’m not doing very much with it besides drinking, shopping, eating, shitting, and masturbating anyway. In the future, I know that the planet Earth is going to be fine. It’s a sphere. It’s fine. Homo sapiens, on the other hand, are worthy of a little more physical observation.

Also by Kara Crabb:

Pee in My Mouth

Pretending to Be Handicapped for a Day

Cartoons, Cereal, and Sexual Awakenings

Follow Kara on Twitter @karacrabb

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