Photos via Flickr User GageSkidmore
Look, I know a lot of you think that voting’s for poor people and I get it. Politics is a gross thing that red-faced dads yell at you about on the TV, plus there’s no boobs in it and they almost never sing, so like ugh, bo-ring. With all the shit that’s gone down this week, from the Bradley Manning trial to the NSA straight up admitting their pervy “gurl I’m always around u” policy, you’d think we might start to get involved though, right? WRONG! Motherfuckers, Nixon got impeached for less than what’s happening on the reg in America right now—and we aren’t doing shit because we have way better TV shows than they had in the 70s. So, what should we do? Dig this, chummy: I think we should just call it a day. Hit the reset button. No, fuck that, we’re past hitting reset. We gotta take the cartridge of democracy out of the NES of government and blow on it with the cleansing winds of change.
The problem is, both major political parties care more about pleasing huge corporations than they do you or me. Duh. Everyone knows this. The only people who disagree are either on the board of a huge corporation or they are a sentient meatball from Lunchables. The key to fixing the USA is getting these ground beefs on our side. The only way we can stand up to the oligarchy of the super-wealthy is if we do it together. Unfortunately, they’re never gonna join our side because pot smoke killed Jesus and women are scary. What we need to do is suck it up, be big strong boys and girls, and join theirs.
We start with the Tea Party. You know the Tea Party, right? They’re the fake grass-roots movement funded by billionaire industrialists to make racists and old people feel like they’re a part of something because being white in America isn’t enough. The Tea Party is our weapon, if we use it right. It may sound totally fucking crazy, but let's let them have America and just get out of their way. Sarah Palin for President (we can convince her to run if we promise that she can do all of her campaigning via satellite), Ted Cruz as VP, and an all Tea Party Congress. We must allow them to fail spectacularly on the biggest stage so that the steak-tit people who live in Middle America can see how shitty everything really is. The carefully placed veneer of comfort, gently massaged into place by everyone from Nixon to Obama, will be violently ripped away, and it will be GLORIOUS.
The way I see it, it’ll go down like this:
JANUARY 20, 2017: INAUGURATION DAY
President Palin is carried to the Monsanto Presents: The Only Roses That Are Still Alive Garden by a team of hunky Marines, brandishing stone tablet replicas of the Ten Commandments. She starts to read them, but gets bored. She tosses them to an aide and reminds everyone that she doesn’t need to read them because giant versions will be erected at every government building across our great country. She takes a sip of orange soda, remembering that she was supposed to say something else, before finally answering the question that’s been on everyone’s lips, what the hell is that giant thing that was built on top of the White House? With a dramatic flair, she reveals a titanic marble cross, exactly one foot taller than the Washington Monument. Her inauguration speech ends with a hologram of Reagan coming out and telling everyone how happy he is up in Heaven right now because the good guys finally won. Holo-Reagan then winks at the crowd and says “hey get a loada this!” while juggling ten brand new smartphones. Suddenly a hologram of Gorbachev appears, holding up a massive cellphone bill. The crowd loves it, they’re booing and hooting and hollering. Holo-Reagan turns to Holo-Gorby and says “Mr. Gorbachev! Tear. Up. This. Bill! That’s right, show you voted for President Bachmann and you get 50 percent off your mobile phone bill for up to three months!”
FEBRUARY 12, 2017: THE FIRST DAY OF “THE BLACKOUT”
In the few days since President Palin’s massively successful inauguration, the shit has already hit the fan. Her administration has spent all of its fiscal budget before the first month of her term is over. They’ve installed gargantuan marble crosses at every post office, laser-guided homosexuality detectors in every town, plus they upped Planned Parenthood’s budget by over 1000 percent to turn them into a network of highly-trained bureaucrats ensuring that every time an American has sex it leads to procreation. Without necessary funds, the power grid for the entire eastern seaboard shuts down. For about three hours, it looks like everything will be fine, since nobody’s smartphone has lost power. However, as the East Coast loses the ability to tweet, millions of people pour into the streets. Unsure of how to interact in person, the citizens begin looting every major chain retailer, and there are brief respites from the chaos as each person finds a new tablet or phone to distract themselves with, until they too run out of battery. Once the last device runs out of juice, the millions of confused, hungry Americans immediately resort to cannibalism.
MARCH 5, 2017: MANIFEST DESTINY 2.0
Bolstered by their fuel-efficient smart cars and crude, solar-powered weapons, The New California Militia, lead by Ed Begley Jr., finally crosses the Mississippi River. The militia, over 800,000 strong, walk into a nightmare. Those who have survived “The Blackout” have completely reverted to a feral state. However, because of their lack of organization and weaponry, they are easily picked off as the militia marches to DC. Back in California, the NWO (New Western Order) is mitigating the fallout as best they can. NWO Czar Leonardo DiCaprio, in conjunction with Anonymous, has established a network of solar and wind powered 3D printers that are constantly churning out new solar panels and, thanks to recent technological advances, a hoard of organic food. With every passing day, the militia sets up more and more entertainment centers in every major city that pacify the throng of living corpses with their messages of hope from the West... along with hours of fine comedic and dramatic programming.
MARCH 25, 2017: V.A. DAY
After a week of heavy fighting, sabotage, and morale deprivation, the New California Militia takes the White House and declares Victory in America Day. Within weeks, power is restored to the East Coast, but the damage is irreparable. A deal is struck to split America in half. The West (now known as California Plus) remains under the control of a coalition of Leo and Anonymous, while the rest (known now as Very East California) is ruled by Ed Begley and The New California Militia. An era of heretofore unimaginable peace and prosperity is ushered into the world. America can no longer meddle in the affairs of other countries while she rebuilds herself, and there is no lack of employment because both nations are too busy implementing their new infrastructure. Each year, a game of football played by giant robots determines bragging rights between the two great republics. Also, all of our dead dogs and cats come back to life and totally play with us all the time.
So, there you have it. The only surefire way to fix America. Remember in three years when you go to the voting booth: only you can ensure the future of America. Plus there will be robot football. Fuck, robot football is gonna be so great.
For more Tea Party madness: