Loads, Coffee, and Younolovebunny
Feb 5 2013
SEX - BOYS AND THEIR JIZZ
"Jizz in my hair, jizz on my shiny American Apparel underwear. Pull out and jizz on my quilt, immediately jump in the shower 'cause you got mad-Catholic guilt" —Sophie Saint Thomas aka Bowie Cat, a.k.a. Ho Rida.
Did you like my rap? It's from a track titled "Jizz" that I've been working on. Datpiff mixtape coming soon.
Kat George wrote a straight-shooting (heh heh) article for VICE that I absolutely loved about where your dude likes to cum and what it says about him. The only splooge target preference she left out is inside the puss without a condom, which likely means he is your boyfriend or loves cream-pie porn, but probably both. It's my personal fave, which is kind of inconvenient since I need six letters of recommendation and three clean HIV tests from the past week to let you finish within a yard of my lady parts. Also, you need to plan ahead, you can't head to a bikini wax or a gyno appointment with a leaky puss from the morning's shenanigans. The only person who wants to see your dripping vagina is your perv boyfriend.
And he really does. Boys are SUCH proud papas when it comes to their cum. Pay attention the next time a guy explodes on you: They want you to hold your pose and admire their work like they're Jackson fucking Pollock standing above his latest masterpiece. At least two dudes have told me stories about how far they can shoot. "Once this girl was jerking me off, and I SWEAR it went like 15 feet and hit the bedroom wall." Cool story, Spider-Man. It's not like girls sit around and brag about their man's ability to blow his load long distances. It's not just how far men can jizz either, they get so excited about the quantity. "Oh... fuck... it's going to be a big load, I can feel it! AHHHHRRRRGHHHHHH!" *Collapses and passes out.* The next time I hear some dude oohing and aahing "that was such a big load" I'm going to smear it all over his face while he's asleep.
Are girls who squirt like this too? Do you get off watching yourself spray a big mess all over your partner's face? Speak up squirters of the world, you fascinate me. I think I did once in high school, while masturbating with this cool g-spot vibrator I had. Or maybe I just peed the bed, I've been known to do that.
DRUGS - SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT COFFEE
"Study shows coffee consumption may lead to stroke." "Good news, coffee may prevent Alzheimer's." "I cured my addiction to fall coffee drinks, and you can too!" "Two cups of coffee a day linked to longer life." "Human-poop coffee."
That was me regurgitating the Huffington Post's Twitter feed. Sorry, HuffPo!
As a peace offering, I shall link to an article written by Dr. Brian Secemsky that sums up the health benefits and risks of drinking coffee quite well. Now it's time he and the rest of the world just shut the fuck up. OK, except for human-poop coffee. Never stop talking about human-poop coffee. I know coffee snobs cream their pants over beans shit out by bats, but the only human poop-coffee connection I was aware of was the obvious one. I come pretty close to Al Rokering it on the subway once a week. But is it good for you? Is it bad for you? This subject's seen more back and forth than Sasha Grey's bottomhole. (Aside: Cute, new goody-two-shoes haircut girl, but I still masturbate to your gang-bang work. WE SHALL NEVER FORGET!)
My internist thinks I should drink less coffee because it irritates my bowels. My shrink thinks I should drink less coffee because it worsens my anxiety and insomnia. I kinda think they should shut their whore mouths. Would you rather I ripped yay under my desk to get through the day? I only drink three most days with milk, no sugar, perhaps a cappuccino if I'm feeling fancy. And WHOLE milk or half-and-half. Hush bitches, a tablespoon or two of whole milk in coffee won't make you fat. If I'm going to blend my coffee with cow-nipple secretions I don't see any point fucking around. Vitamins A and D are only fat soluble, too, so your watery-skim nonsense isn't helping your winter lizard skin look any nicer. Admittedly, I went through a brief soy-milk phase in college, but my carnivorous boyfriend would let me get raw-dogged by Hulk Hogan before he'd let me keep Silk in his fridge.
I have a hard time trusting anyone, especially in New York, who isn't reliant on caffeine at least to some extent. Are you employed? Are you some kind of goddamned Mormon? I shall continue to consume multiple cups of coffee until my eighth ulcer is bleeding out my ass and there's nothing my doctors or the latest study can do to stop me.
ROCK 'N' ROLL - YOUNOLOVEBUNNY
This morning I accidentally bumped a woman while exiting the subway. She then trailed me through the long tunnels of the 8th Avenue station, screaming "BITCH!" revealing years of misdirected rage and resentment. I kept my headphones in, repeating Younolovebunny's opening lyrics his new EP as a mantra. "Everything's okay...." and kept my cool.
Creator of lovely lo-fi grunge, Younolovebunny is Danish weirdo Claus Frølich. He chose his stage name in honor of a video-game title, however I prefer the dirtier version of the story. Apparently, "YOU NO LOVE BUNNY?" is what Thai sex workers reply to customers who reject their advances. I've never met a Thai sex worker, my sex-worker experience comes mostly from Australia, and for the time being, I'm saving that story for my memoir. I am traveling to Thailand this fall for a friend's wedding, and I shall make sure to share this information with my male comrades, so when approached they may respond politely, "You are a very beautiful and special bunny, please take no offense." (Just kidding, like any of my male friends would turn down a tug job from a Thai prostitute.)
Claus is an odd fellow. He grew up on a Danish pig farm and is quite fond of emoticons. While his latest EP/cassette release Happy Nation II, off Parisian label Almost Musique is certainly new to me, it's by no means his first compilation of tracks. Mr. Love Bunny is rumored to have a stockpile of over 700 songs, which I guess makes sense, because as a musician growing up on a pig farm, what else are you going to do but record tracks? It sure beats shoveling pig shit.
You can stream his EP Happy Nation II here. Watch his video for "Attention" below. One could easily mistake it for a clip from a Danish version of the X Files.
Reasons Why Las Vegas Is the Worst Place Ever
New Orleans Middle Schoolers Are Beating the Shit Out of Artists and Gays
Autopsy Contradicts the Police's Account of Victor White III's Shooting in the Back of a Cop Car
Paris Lees: The Trans vs. Radical Feminist Twitter War Is Making Me Sick
Fifteen Years Later, 'Fight Club' Still Sucks
Neckbeard: Dungeons & Dragons Is Officially Cool Again
Genitales: An Investigation into the Dick Size of the American Male
The Armpit of the Internet: Family4Love Is the Facebook of Incest
Maybe We Shouldn't Be So Quick to Idolize a Gay-Bashing Skateboarder
Profiles by VICE: Animal Fuckers - Trailer