LONDON - I WANT A FREAK, NOT A KILLER

I'm into freaks. Really tall, deathly thin guys who look like they're dying, deaf guys, guys who seem like they might have a slight mental retardation – basically anyone who looks like they were bullied at school. However, since immersing myself within a universe of hipster trendoid fucktards, I sometimes find it difficult to meet the sort of guys I'm looking for. So in search of my freak boyfriend, I've put an ad up on gumtree.com advertising my love of genetic anomalies.

My ad reads as follows:

Sexy, 23-year-old curvy girl seeks hot, weird-looking guys/general freaks. Into tall and very thin. Between 17 and 45. Preferably deaf.

Since posting the ad three days ago I've already had over 50 replies. Apparently the internet is full of freaks. Who knew? The problem is that practically everyone that's gotten back to me thus far has been gross losers with scary abnormalities or sick fetishes, rather than the freakishly hot misfits I so desperately desire. Here are a few highlights of the responses I've received:

Freak 1:

Hiyya!

read your add intrestin

im a 19 m indian from london

unfortunate for myself i hav a left boobie becuz of high hormone levels

lool i no

but this level also makes me keep goin on for ages

get bk to me if your interested

xxx

Freak 2:

Does havin a really small dick count as a freak? haha

No but seriosly u sound nutty and I like that

A bit older than you specified, am 47.

Iranian and viewed by english people as very strange to say the least!!!!!

Im boring alone. its been 3 months now I haven't touched a lady so im lookin forward to your call!!!!

Freak 3:

I'm a thirty three year old male with a muscle wasting illness.

Skinny, white, good looking. Into strange fetishes and weird sex.

P.S. on breathing machine part time, interesting sometimes.

(I'm actually quite into this guy – we've been talking.)

Freak 4:

My dad's deaf. And he's here. Call me.

Freak 5:

I'm a horny freak into whateva, scat, piss, sick, u name it

29 m from London

Not selfish, will keep u satisfied- night in West London hotel paid for be me

Into dark haired girls who into scat is this u?

Freak 6:

Hey im 24 years old male from south London. blonde, average build

can't always get it up, lol. but will eat your pussy 4 hours

Use mobility scooter to get around. Give u a ride if u want, haha

Call me horny as fuck

See what I mean? I don't want to fuck anyone with a shit fetish or a dysfunctional dick or a fucking boobie. Or anyone supporting the casual usage of the term "LOL" for that matter. I just want a NORMAL freak – someone like

Gummo

or Gareth out of

The Office

or that kid in the wheelchair from

The Secret Garden

.

Back in the nineties I'd have had my pick of these beautiful losers, and then bastards started making films like

Napoleon Dynamite

into massive mainstream clit-buster flicks, and now the freak bar has been raised. Normal girls date freaks, freak girls eat phsychopaths' turd dumplings, jock girls fuck trendoid fucktards, and jock guys fuck hookers – but only if there are three other jock guys fucking her simultaneously. Sex has gotten weird.

KARLEY SCIORTINO