LONDON - JIZZ TASTE TEST

By viceland

As everyone who’s sucked dick knows, some spunk tastes better than others. Like all human secretions, a guy’s flavour is dictated by his diet. But what cuisine makes some cum yum and other cum yuck? In order to make the world a safer place for blowjobs, I decided to carry out a man-naise test on my boyfriend...

I began by consulting my trusted gynaecologist, who gave me a list of food and drink that result in 'friendly’ and 'unfriendly’ splooge.

Friendly foods:
Parsley
Pineapple
Vegetables
Citrus fruit
Carbohydrates
Water
Unfriendly foods:
Meat
Fish
Garlic
Onions
Dairy
Alcohol

In most cases, what you consume is absorbed and excreted within 12 to 24 hours. So every day I fed my boyfriend a controlled diet and the next morning I gave him head. And swallowed. All in the name of science, of course. Here’s what happened‚Ķ

Day 1: FRUIT AND VEG
Breakfast: Fruit cup + sliced pineapple + orange juice
Lunch: Green salad (with added parsley)
Dinner: Stir-fried vegetables

My boyfriend wasn't too hot on the idea of only eating fruits and vegetables all day, but he knew what he was getting out of it, so he complied. The following morning his cum seemed sweeter than normal. It smelled a bit like the chestnut tree I had in my backyard when I was little.

Day 2: CARBS
Breakfast: Bagel with jam
Lunch: A slice of pizza
Dinner: Pasta with tomato sauce

It tasted less sweet than yesterday. It was a bit salty and, alarmingly, a little chunky -- not quite ricotta, but I think he needs to drink more water.

Day 3: MEAT AND FISH
Breakfast: Bacon roll
Lunch: Tuna sandwich
Dinner: Salmon fillet with potatoes

Tasted slightly bitter. Swirling it around my palette, I couldn't taste fish, more of a buttery flavour. It had a staler scent than before. I wish I could go back in time and consult the blowjob queen of my high school. Her name was Christina and she blew seniors for beer, which is really sad in retrospect. But she always got us into parties with the older kids, and I was able to go unnoticed while I stole their parent’s Vicodin.

Day 4: DAIRY, BOOZE, GARLIC AND ONIONS
Breakfast: Yoghurt + chocolate milk
Lunch: Crackers with blue cheese and Brie. Plus vanilla ice-cream
Dinner: Grilled cheddar cheese sandwich with fried garlic and onions. Four glasses of vodka and coke

I honestly didn't expect one day's food to affect the taste of his bodily fluids so much, but I was wrong. Dairy makes cum taste like sour milk blended with onions and battery acid. It smelt of burned hair. I instantly gagged and the memory of it (unfortunately for my boyfriend) has put me off giving blowjobs for a while at least.

Cosmo may claim you can sweeten your man's load by making him drink lots of pineapple juice, but I think it’s necessary to point out that whatever dietary changes you make, it is what it is. It's never going to be a taste like ice-cream topping. However, if you’re planning on marrying a smoker who loves garlic bread and milkshakes, and demands you swallow every last drop, then it sucks to be you.

KARLEY SCIORTINO

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