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      Looking Good Behind Bars

      February 13, 2012

      By Bert Burykill

       

      Illustrations by Nick Gazin


      There are approximately 2.3 million people incarcerated in the United States, and yet hardly anyone is attending to the fashion needs of the prison-industrial complex! To remedy this injustice, we asked Bert Burykill, our recently-paroled penitentiary correspondent, to give us some inmate style tips. If you’re reading this in jail, take heed lest you become a human fifi towel.

       
           
      LARGE CLOTHING
      Tight clothes might be in style on the street right now, but wearing the same duds in jail might make you more alluring to a certain breed of booty bandit. Plus, state-issued duds are going to be uncomfortable, so it’s best to at least have some room to let your nuts hang a little.

       

        GLASSES
      One of the few luxury items you’re allowed in jail is eyeglasses—the government would rather not pay for your specs so they let you wear your own. So ball the fuck out and get some $400 Oliver Peoples glasses. Just watch out for guys with names like “Big D from Brownsville,” ’cause they might break your ass wide open and yoink your fancy frames.

       

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