'Macbeth': In the Context of Ghosts

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OK right so first off there are these ladies hanging out in the woods over a trash-can fire with a cauldron[1] and they are stirring it with probably brooms[2]. Basically this is where the sign drops down saying "WITCHES" as a sort of stage direction to our lives. OK so there is this guy named DUNCAN and he is king of all the Scots. And OK so MACBETH is the main guy here because he gets first billing. And so the thing about MACBETH is that he killed some guys in a war[3] and so that was good, and then he and his best buddy BANQUO get shit-housed and wander around the woods all shit-housed like a bunch of loud-ass drunk white dudes in positions of middle management obsessed and incensed with their own perceived lack of value, and they stumble across THESE THREE LADIES[4] [5] and the THREE LADIES are all like, "O, yo, MACBETH we were just talkin about U," and Macbeth is all, "Who me?" and the witches[6] say, "Yes, U. U R gonna be king." And Banquo is all, "What about me?" and they're all, "U R gonna father a bunch of kings, but U ain't gonna be one." And the aformentioned dudes are all, "Whoa, this is so weird!" And the witches are all, "Poof, we vanished" because that is exactly what happened[7].

OK I guess I forget that also they called him mayor of a city[8] but he wasn't mayor and so then he came home and they were like "Hey the old mayor was a traitor, you're the new mayor now, bro, here's a castle.[9]" And MACBETH tells his WIFE whose name is LADY MACBETH[10] about the prophecies and so she says, "OK, cool. Let's KILL THE KING," because obviously that is how you become king and totally the sort of leap that a rational human with a heart that feels love for their fellow humans would make[11] and he is all, "I don't know?" And she is all, "I bet you got a small dick, you ain't wanna kill this king." And he is all, "My dick is not at all small it is totally a good size," and she is all, "Tiny dick can't kill a king," and he is all, "I got a big fuckin' dick," and she is all, "If you had a big fuckin' dick, you'd kill the fuckin' king." And so that is exactly what he does and he blames it on the servants who he got real drunk and then smeared all the blood on and for all we know he stabbed the king to death with his big dick[12]. He does this murder despite a whole bunch of supernatural portents and augurs[13] like a bloody dagger and also that part of your brain that says, "Murder is an unconscionable act for which there is no escaping the guilt it causes[14]."

OK then all these important guests come, and they are all, "WTF, the king is dead." And then Macbeth murders some guards to keep them from talking, I guess[15] and then Duncan's kids are all, "Man, if they killed our dad, what in the world would stop this mystery killer or killers from also killing us?" And so, like the family in Home Alone before them, they flee to distant lands and MACBETH is like, "I bet they did it, look at them runningaway!" and I guess enough people say, "Yeah, totes guilty." Then MACBETH becomes KING[16].

So MACBETH is all worried about BANQUO 'cause he remembers them witches talking about BANQUO siring a whole bunch of KINGS right out of his dick and so MACBETH sanctions the murder of BANQUO by SOME MURDERY DUDES and it totally works[17] but BANQUO'S SON escapes. So MACBETH has a party. It is at this point that BANQUO'S GHOST gets up out of the audience of ghosts and goes and sits in MACBETH's chair, and MACBETH totally calls bullshit on this, because 1) that fucker is dead and 2) that fucker is in his fucking chair, and 3) ghosts??? He totally freaks and everyone is like, "WTF," and starts shaking, and his wife, Lady[18], is all, "LOL, it's cool, he's always like this," and everyone is all, "Oh. OK… Cool." And then he freaks again 'cause BANQUO'S GHOST is doing other stuff and then Lady is all "OK, dudes, party's over, plus here are your party bags[19]." Right now everyone is freaking out. MACBETH is freaking out in the woods with the WITCHES who, as a means of explanation, summon up first A GIANT DISMEMBERED HEAD COVERED IN ARMOR[20] who says who says, "Yo, look out for MACDUFF," and then they summon up a BABY COVERED IN BLOOD[21] who says, "Yo, no man born of a woman can hurt U, it's OK," and, like, pats him like on the head or shoulder in a comforting manner[22], this baby covered in blood, which is so fucked up, and then a BABY WITH A CROWN CARRYING A TREE[23] is all, "Yo, bro, you're totally safe until the Birnam Wood shows up," and Macbeth is all, "Cool, the Birnam Wood is totally a forest of trees in Birnam and not at all near me, so that is not possible unless wormholes,"[24] and then they show him eight kings who all have BANQUO'S face and they are all dressed up like they are kings of different countries but they all have his, BANQUO'S, dead face and symbolism tells us that this means his descendents totally really become kings, and so that's how that went and LADY is freaking out in the castle. She is all, "Oh, hey, maybe actions have consequences?"/a.k.a./She Is Walking Around Seeing Blood On Her Hands/a.k.a./"Yo, this blood, can you see it?"/a.k.a./"No one but me can see this blood"/a.k.a./"Oopsie, uh-oh…" And then she just wanders around the castle try'na wash her hands, but they can't get clean 'cause some sins you can't wash away, right, dawg?[25] So MACBETH keeps freaking out and has MACDUFF'S WIFE and babies savagely slaughtered[26] and this MACDUFF guy is all, "Yo, fuck this shit and then DUNCAN'S SONS call him up on a conference call and are all, "Yo, son, we just heard. Let's fuck some shit up, we got armies." And they indeed do have armies and they do indeed fuck some shit up.

So MACBETH is hanging out on the roof of his castle just chillin' blazin' nothin' when suddenly he looks down and sees the fucking forest marching on his fucking castle[27] and also LADY totally kills herself and MACBETH is all, "Oh, shit, guys, maybe we did not at all think this through," and then everyone kills almost everyone and MACDUFF faces off with MACBETH and MACBETH is all, "No woman born of man can kill me dawg!" But get ready guys. Because MACDUFF is all, "Motherfucker my momma had a C-section!" and guts MACBETH like a fucking gutted object emptied of all its guts as they spill onto the floor and then MACBETH goes, "Oh God, I'm terribly afraid that I have dreadfully misunderstood everything that has been presented to me in life and not once invested myself in love or the helping of my fellow man. Do you see the sunset tonight? I can see it. It is setting on us all, as though we are all flammable material, as though everything in us, at one point, can just upend itself." Then he dies and everyone else is happy the end.

[1] It's a bucket you guys. Shakespeare just like using fancy words. It's three ladies sitting in the woods around a trash-can fire over which there is a bucket.

[2] That's not a judgment, BTW, I'm late on my loans. I feel you ladies.

[3] 'Cause killin' durin' war time ain't murder it's a war crime.*

*Guys that is not the definition of war crime. I am sorry, I don't know what happened there.

[4] Whom the stage directions have indicated are WITCHES.

[5] Also A MYRIAD OF GHOSTS.*

*OK so that is implied. But the thing about ghosts is that they're the dead come back as a studio audience to witness the lives that we do and do not lead.

[6] Shakespeare's term not mine. The supernatural is by definition unable to be explained and so trying to explain it away by just saying WITCHES seems, to me, to be a bit W/E but let's just stick W/it 4 now I guess.

[7] Obvi.

[8] They called him Thane of Cawdor, but I am telling this story, so I will tell it how I goddam want to.

[9] The assembled ghosts grouse in the background that they were never given a castle, which is basically not a lie.

[10] 'Cause ladies is just the ladies of they manz, duh: first name LADY; last name MACBETH.

[11] The ghosts are torn on this point because, while they do love a good action film, the ghosts understand that love is real, and the only actual answer toward life, and plus we all die anyway, slow your roll, BB, what is the rush here.

[12] The ghosts know what happened but the ghosts are not telling because 1) it is difficult for ghosts to communicate from the astral place, there is like no cell service there at all and also 2) it is none of our goddam business.

[13] Which is just a fancy word for portent which is just a fancy word for sign… I don't know, google it or something.

[14] I just watched this documentary where a 14-year-old shoots a dude because the dude was gay and I guess shooting the dude in the head in a classroom was the only way to get him to stop being gay, which totally fits because the only way they could get DUNCAN to stop being KING was to stab him unto death and it was, I guess, just really important that he stop being the thing that he was.

[15] The GHOSTS hold up a four, indicating at this point four murders not sanctioned by being at war since war solves everything especially murders but not really. War totally does not solve murders. Technically cops solve murders, but I feel like there are maybe zero cops in Shakespeare's play Macbeth.

[16] Duh.

[17] "Five now," go the GHOSTS.

[18] First name Lady; last name, Macbeth, duh.

[19] The party bags are also ghosts.

[20] Right, that is not horrifying. I would totally be focused on what a GIANT FLOATING DISMEMBERED HEAD COVERED IN ARMOR was saying to me, and I would in no way be focused on the fact there was, in front of my face, a GIANT FLOATING DISMEMBERED HEAD COVERED IN ARMOR, that was fucking talking to me.

[21] Ibid, more or less, come on here, WITCHES. It is difficult to think about what is being said when you keep shitting your pants out of fear of these terrifying fucking images conjured up to deliver tidings of "Oh man, please be careful."

[22] Or I mean in an attempt at comfort anyway, if I can be allowed to read into this a little here.*

*Sorry to clutter up all these straight facts W/ my opinions and interpretations you guys.

[23] This seems not so much terrifying as just weird?

[24] Wormholes being ruptures in space-time, go watch some Star Trek, you nerds.

[25] And the GHOSTS applaud and say, "That's right, that's right, affirming that actions have consequences, murder does not solve problems, sadness is real, and love is the only outcome that is worth fighting for."

[26] This is at least three more bringing the GHOSTS to a tally of eight-plus with a question mark.*

*But it's cool, there were, like, 16,259 murders in 2010 in the US or something.

[27] "I mean what is this an Ent moot?" go the ghosts.