MEET THE NIERATKOS - ME & ELVIS SHARE A BIRTHDAY

By Alex

Tomorrow is once again my 30th birthday and since Elvis's birthday just passed I like to pretend that we share a birthday. Sometimes I like to pretend that I really am Elvis. Like when I bought my wife a Cadillac just for being my friend. And when I’m in bed with my wife and her parts and I call her Priscilla. I always make it a point to stop what we’re doing to clarify that I mean Young Priscilla, not current botched-plastic-surgery Priscilla (although I’d still hit it, because Elvis did).

Sometimes I make my wife make me peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I always throw them away because I don’t like peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I also tell my wife that if I die on the toilet like Elvis did just leave me in there and make that room permanently off limits. I don’t like when my wife sees me making the poops. Dead or alive. Since it's Elvis's birthday tomorrow I thought it would be cool to post some pictures of all my Elvis stuff in hopes that they have WiFi in Heaven and maybe Elvis has set a Google Alert for whenever his name pops up and he sees all the stuff that I bought that people have slapped his name on after he died. I probably should have tooken photos at Christmas so you could see all 16 of my Elvis stockings, my 24 Elvis tree ornaments, the Elvis tree angel, and the stuffed dog and bear dressed as Elvis that play Elvis songs ("Hound Dog" and "Be Your Teddy Bear," respectively.).

I also have an authentic Elvis jumpsuit that I paid $1,500 for in Vegas back when the drugs were making all the decisions for me. But I can’t find it. I think my wife hid it because it’s no longer flattering on me. I have become fat Elvis. I also cannot locate my Elvis cookbook, Are You Hungry Tonight? In honor of mine and Elvis's birthday tomorrow we’re going to Outback Steakhouse, because we have a gift certificate. I will order the prime rib and the lady will have the crab legs. That’s what we always order. We will tell them it’s Elvis's birthday and make them bring him a cake and sing him a song. CHRIS NIERATKO (For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com)