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      Miss Jen's Music News Toots #1

      April 19, 2012

      By Miss Jen

      For this new column, Miss Jenn (fake name because she's "afraid of getting yelled at by old people") will ponder and otherwise shat upon timely music news items. For this first one, Jen tap dances on the fresh grave of Dick Clark. 

      Dick Clark died. Happy New Year’s Rockin’ Eve! Who is this Dick, you ask? He was the host of American Bandstand (olds, you remember this wholesome sock-hop, live music shit-show). He dropped balls year after year in Times Square with a crowd of drunk screaming idiots in party hats who pee on each other’s feet. He hosted the game show $100,000 Pyramid.

      Contestant 1: “Things that have a heart attack.”

      Contestant 2: “Uh, uh. Dick Clark.”

      Jackpot!

      Yes, Dick was quite the entrepreneur. He owned a bunch of music-themed restaurants. Sadly, Michael Moore nailed him for hiring poor single moms to work long hours for little pay. Shut up, ladies. Bend over, open the back door, and embrace the privilege of serving “sweet sensations” like the American Bandstand Grill’s “Ooey Gooey Chocolate Brownie Orgy” for $5.99. (Real price).

      We aren’t the only ones feeling this Dick loss, ya know. Fellow music/food industry fossil Kenny Rogers (country singer turned rotisserie chicken pusher) released this statement yesterday: 

      “I’m one of the lucky people who can say that I knew Dick Clark personally. Dick produced almost every awards show I was on during the 80’s, and he constantly encouraged me toward success. He will be missed by everyone–especially by those who knew him well.”

      What? What does that even mean? I knew Dick well, too. Here’s my personal statement:

      “I’m one of the lucky people who can say that I saw Dick Clark portrayed as a Simpsons character on a “Treehouse of Horror X” Halloween episode. At midnight, a computer glitch melted Dick and that’s when the world discovered he was a robot. He constantly encouraged me toward becoming ‘The World’s Oldest Teenager’ with his youthy appearance at age 10,000.”

      So, will “The Gambler” be sending complimentary buckets o’ bird to the funeral party? A special delivery from his restaurant chain Kenny Rogers Roasters? Sadly, his biz went bankrupt in the States and was later sold to an Asian franchiser. But Dick would be proud because that chicken is the wood-fired shit along the Pacific Rim.

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