“Obama will sharpen his debating skills against Senator John Kerry, the 2004 Democratic presidential nominee, who will play Romney in mock sessions. Aides want him to work on being brief—a departure from his tendency to be long-winded, which can turn off TV viewers and make him look aloof... Romney's sparring partner is Ohio Senator Rob Portman, who has played the president in several mock debates in recent weeks. Portman told reporters on Friday that Romney was ‘doing great.’"
- Chicago Tribune, 9/17
Portman: I'd like to remind everyone that my opponent once said, "I like to fire people." So when it comes to jobs....
Romney: I never said, "I like to set fire to people."
Portman: That's not what I said you said, Governor...
Romney: Well, one of your surrogates said that. On August 9 of this year, someone known as ObamaDrama318 posted just that on his blogspot account.
Portman: Governor, I don't see how that....
Romney: I ask you now, in front of America. Will you apologize? [pause] Like that, Rob?
Portman: You're doing great.
Kerry: On China, the president's policy seems to be a case of 'too little, too late.'
Obama: I'm glad you mentioned that. I've been steadily increasing pressure on China to revalue the renminbi, which, as we all know, has been kept artificially weak by at least 20....
Kerry: Nope. Time out. Sir, we discussed this.
Obama: But, I think the audience...
Kerry: Sir. We've practiced the correct answer to this.
Obama: [sighs]: Nascar.
Obama: [long pause]: Hooters.
Portman: Can we take a moment to discuss the governor's horse, Rafalca?
Romney: Oh, I'd love to. She's a beauty, wonderful pedigree. They're bred for their long legs, you know. And our rider, he feeds her, [laughs], watermelon, of all things. It's delightful.
Portman: Watermelon, you say? And as an Olympics dressage horse, isn't Rafalca a tax deduction?
Romney: She is! And the most wonderful part is that... wait a minute. This is one of those trick questions, isn't it?
Portman: Yes sir, it is.
Romney: How'd I do?
Kerry: Unemployment stands at over 8 percent. What possible reasons, what possible excuses, can this man keep giving to the American people? Mr. President?
Kerry: Excuse me?
Obama: Fuck. Asscrack. Cunt.
Kerry: OK, let's just...
Obama: Cocktitty! Shitler's List! Blue balls beef queef dickhole Al Qaeda Vaginastan!!!
Kerry: OK, take five everyone.
Obama: [exhales deeply]
Portman: Bill Clinton has gone on the record as wearing briefs, and I have gone on the record as wearing boxer shorts. I wonder, Governor, do you wear boxers or briefs?
Portman: Mr. Governor, this isn't a courtroom...
Romney: Sustained. Next.
Kerry: There's another missed opportunity we're not discussing. If the president had simply used the Taft-Hartley Act, none of this mess with the replacement NFL referees would have occurred.
Obama: Romney's not going to say that.
Kerry: He might.
Obama: No, he won't.
Kerry: Look, Mr. President, it's important that you connect not just with the middle class but also the working class and the lower-working class. Part of that is through sports....
Obama: Don't you have more money than me and Romney combined? What do you know about the 'lower-middle class'?
Kerry: Now Barry, there's no need to...
Obama: Motherfucker, didn't you lose this shit eight years ago?!?
Previously - Strike Gripes
Excerpt from the Novel ‘Family Life’
Cheers to the Revolution: Kiev's Beautiful Molotov Cocktails
VICE Shorts: I'm Short, Not Stupid Presents: 'How to Keep Smoking'
The Ass Menagerie
VICE News: Investigating an Unsolved KKK Murder in the Deep South
Meet the New Generation of British Nudists
Dangerous Unhappy Things: A True Ghost Story
Meet the Nieratkos: Thomas Campbell Made a Skate Video That’s Actually Worth Watching
Sculpting Nudes in a New York Night Club