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VICE Guide to Montreal

Strip Clubs

Quebec is hands down the horniest province in Canada. As you read this sentence, somebody somewhere in Montréal is having the most dome-blowing orgasm ever.

Quebec is hands down the horniest province in Canada. As you read this sentence, somebody somewhere in Montréal is having the most dome-blowing orgasm ever. In and around Montréal there are probably a hundred strip clubs, jack shacks, massage parlors, porn-production houses, and brothels churning nut butter 24/7 (not to mention 300 escort services employing over 3,000 escorts). Whether you’re out for a traditional lap dance or looking to get double-fisted by a p’tit bonhomme in an Elmo costume, this town is always up for it.

It’s easy to find a strip club downtown. In fact, most of downtown is strip clubs. In the English center you’ll find the fancier silicone-laden “no contact” ones and as you move farther east and west they get trashier, sleazier, more French, and, of course, better. Things to Know

COVER: Most clubs have a small entrance fee but they’re almost always free for girls.  TIPPING: No matter what the cover charge, always tip the bouncer. The unwritten rule here is $5 per person after you’ve been seated. We’re talking paper bills here—do not give pocket change. You can ask where you want to be seated: by the bar, by the stage, anywhere. The best is to be somewhere in the middle—this way you get a good view of the stage, but can easily scan the room for the hot ones coming out of the private booths. GIRLS: Depends on the night. If you don’t see anything at first, be patient, wait a few songs and a nice one will come out of the private booths. HOW TO ASK FOR A DANCE: Some dancers will wander around the club looking for following eyes and will approach you. But if you see one you like hanging around just go over and ask her if she’s free to dance for you. LAP DANCES: $8 per song. A girl’s stage dance is usually a good indication of how they’ll perform in private, but not always. CONTACT DANCE: Thanks to the perverts on Canada’s Supreme Court, since 1997 openly touching a stripper is not considered lewd. Hence the famous danse à dix: $10 per song. These happen in a private booth and, despite what the rules of the club say, it’s the stripper that will usually tell you what you can’t do. Some more popular clubs, usually with hotter girls, will charge $15 a dance. TIPPING YOUR DANCER: Yes. And don’t ask for a receipt. DRINKS: Beer is cheapest. Stick to the big names (Molson, Labatt). Import beer will cost you $8 to $10 a pop. Save your money for dances instead. BRINGING YOUR GIRLFRIEND: Are you fucking kidding? You’ll end up envying your friend who just went into a private booth with a hot blonde while you sit at the table with your girlfriend making comments about the perverted old men by the stage. GOING HOME WITH A STRIPPER: We’re not sure why you’d want to take a stripper home, the sex is actually way overrated. In fact you’d wind up spending less on a professional (escorts rates start at about $100 US an hour). But if you insist, the best advice is not to be too pushy, spend lots of money on drinks and dances, and when it comes to drugs you can never have too much (variety is the key). Five Most Popular Places

25 CHEZ PARÉE: (1258 Rue Stanley) This is also one of those famous classy joints that don’t allow touching and usually attracts an older crowd. One note, they usually take longer to undress during their dance so that you’ll keep ’em longer. Also to be avoided during hockey season. 26 SUPERSEXE: (696 Ste. Catherine) This is Montréal’s most famous strip club, which is exactly why it blows. Fake tits, no contact, full of idiots, basically it’s like most large American clubs: in a word, pointless. 27 WANDA'S: (1310 De Maisonneuve W.) This place has three small stages over two floors. On the weekends there’s over 50 girls working. This place is also no contact and no private booths, but all the girls are 9s and 10s. There is a whole extra VIP floor above but you have to be ready to spend something like $150 on a bottle of champagne to even get to see this floor. Don’t go when there’s a hockey game in town, the best girls will always be taken. 28 KAMASUTRA: (3580 St. Dominique) We finally checked out this place after hearing a lot of good things about it but it was pretty “meh.” It’s right off of the Main and had a kind of Arabian Nights vibe, which made it both convenient and funny, but the girls were so into their “sensual choreography” that it was kind of hippie and lame. The girls pick their own tunes for their dance so anything goes, including some Russian pop if you’re lucky. The best time we had here was when the hipsters took over this place for a night and Paul Spence from Fubar did a routine to “Back in Black” that put every girl there to shame. 29 DOWNTOWN: (1196 Ste. Catherine) When you come up the stairs, pay your small cover to old lady in the cage, then it’s through the turnstile and voilà! One of the best places in town. Raunchy enough to have good dances and clean enough that you’re not afraid of getting AIDS just looking at the girls (a mix of super-hot paying-their-way-through-college types and older “specialties”—like women with freakishly large implants). The backdrop for the stage is a reflective hologram cityscape and you can spend the night getting loaded on their 6-pack beer special. 30 SOLID GOLD: (8820 St. Laurent Blvd) This place is way the fuck north on St. Laurent but has a great roster of younger French-Canadian dancers. There’s a huge rotating stage and a shower booth for that added touch of Flashdance ridiculousness. It isn’t rare to find local porn stars doing special Bangkok-style shows using lit candles and two-pronged dongs, if you’re into that kind of thing, which we’re not. Other than that, if you’re looking for something straight-up-nasty check out any of the Ste. Catherine clubs with “sex” in their names, like Chateau du Sexe (Sex Castle) or the curiously named Calèche du Sexe (Horse-Drawn Buggy of Sex). For the chronically horny there’s the Twin Peaks-esque Grand Prix (basically a biker whorehouse) just outside of town over the Champlain Bridge. The truly adventurous should seek out the infamous Sex Machine on the corner of Ste. Catherine and St. Laurent, which one particularly nerdy journalist we know described as “getting with some Han Solo carbon-freeze type shit.” Worth going for the pitch alone.