Motivational Hemorrhoids

Potential relief from the anal prison of hemorrhoid pain.

If karma truly exists, then I must have murdered a baby to deserve hemorrhoids this bad. It feels like my ass is being torn apart with a razor blade every time I go to take a shit. For the past month I’ve just been trying to ignore it. But I guess when you don’t take care of certain problems, they only get worse. It started off feeling kind of like a paper cut—but now it’s bleeding, it’s irritated, and it’s burning, sort of like living with a mini-holocaust in my pants.

But what can my asshole teach us about personal success? Lots!

Most people have had to deal with metaphorical hemorrhoids at some point in their lives. They start off as part of you—veins, pumping blood around your body, filled with the elixir of life. Maybe this is a significant other, or a feeling of fulfillment at your job, or maybe it's how oxycodone felt to you the first time. But then slowly after a while, the veins start becoming crazy and compromise your happiness. What will you do? Will you confront them right away and let them slide back into your anus where you’ll live happily in perfect harmony? Or will you let them swell and swell to the point where they become so big and externally aggravating that you actually require surgery to get them removed? Naturally, you’d chose to seek immediate medical attention and avoid any larger issues, like a normal, sane human being. But as we all know, it’s not always easy to make good choices and be sane, especially when we’re not even aware that choices are available to us sometimes.

These are stool softeners! Hmm, should I pick Lemon or Cherry?

Choices are pretty much always available. If you don’t like something about your life, you can change it. Even if something just makes you feel kind of weird and uncomfortable, you can change that too. Say you’re in a relationship and things are going well and you love each other, but you start feeling isolated and alone because you have needs that the other person just doesn’t understand. You can fix that. Don’t let it fester in your asshole until it starts prolapsing and bleeding out of control. Tackle it right away. The most important step in changing a situation is acknowledging it, although admittedly, sometimes that can be the hardest part. Be perceptive. Give your hemorrhoids the attention that they’re calling out for. Don’t just hope they magically disappear. Things that bother you don’t just magically disappear, ever. They build and turn into maddening arguments about who moved the flower vase away from the bookshelf.

My asshole is like a budding rose.

You have to be proactive about change. I started using Preparation H and filling out my medical-care coverage forms. I told my friend about it. She said, “Kara, you should really get that checked out.”

I said, “Yeah, I know, it might be ass cancer.”

She said, “Not to scare you, but it actually might be. My friend had colon cancer last summer, and it started out as polyps.”

“Wow, how old is your friend?”

“He was thirty one. Now he’s dead.”

Talk about a bummer. I sure don’t want colon cancer. You sure don’t want a criminal record for domestic violence. Problems can escalate really easily and do serious damage if we don’t take care of them right away. Be it hemorrhoids, a shitty job, a bad relationship, or a drug addiction that started out as a whole lot of casual fun… Only you have the power to stand up for yourself and not die an early, hemorrhoid-related death.

Follow Kara on Twitter: @KaraCrabb

Watch Kara Interview Sue Johanson

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