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      If You Don't Mug Yourself, Someone Else Will

      By VICE Staff

      August 24, 2012
      From the column 'Real-life Stories'

      To celebrate the last muggy day of yet another working week spent getting mugged off, here’s a collection of some of the most depressing mugging stories we’ve ever heard as told to us by our British friends from across the pond.

      Illustrations by Sam Taylor. Follow him on Twitter @sptsam or visit his website at samtaylorillustrator.com.


      I was in Rio recently with a friend. One night, while we were having a post-dinner smoke on Copacabana Beach, a bunch of guys in drag came up to us and asked us for cigarettes. They were disheveled, reeked of booze, and their wigs looked like they hadn’t been brushed for weeks. They started insisting that we have sex with them, saying awful stuff like, “Put it in my culo, put it in my mouth, put it wherever you want, baby.”

      I reacted how I imagine Hugh Grant would react if he were about to get raped: I started shaking and, in the most polite British accent I could conjure, replied, “I'm terribly sorry about this, but this is really not a good day for me.” It didn't work. Instead, they came closer and started touching us up, giving us what I now call the “Brazilian reach-around”: one hand desperately grabbing at our penises and the other searching each pocket to find and take our wallets.

      When we finally managed to push them off, we scurried down the street, realizing our wallets were missing. We turned around, only to witness them pull out their penises and stand there flipping us the bird. They cackled at us for a while, then took off their heels and sprinted away with our wallets. We stood there in silence, trying to digest what had just happened. We spent the first part of the night waiting at the police station and the rest of it trying to get our families to wire us some cash.

      Click through for more hilarious stories about people getting robbed.

      Topics: mugging, stories


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