New Year's Resolutions for Racists in 2015

The fresh, dewy start of a new year brings with it a myriad of delightful possibilities: the chance to start over, begin again, and gaze hopefully into the future. But what if this "future" we're talking about includes an increase in interracial dating, immigration "amnesty," and a Chinese lesbian president who advocates an amendment to the Constitution protecting the right to free hugs?

For the average racist, the changing of the calendar means another baby step toward a multiethnic, polyglot America where the "white race" has been reduced to a faint memory. Goodbye, Lawrence Welk Christmas specials! You will be missed, white wine spritzers! Au revoir, casual uses of French words for the purposes of showing off! What will you do for a living in this dystopian nightmare, Larry the Cable Guy?

Being terrified is kind of the point of being racist though. If your every waking hour isn't spent wondering if a bus full of Mexicans is going to take your job or if Barack Obama is going to force-feed your children malt liquor, then all of the fun of being racist is pretty much gone. But just because prejudice is innately rooted in pessimism, it doesn't mean that racists can't work on bettering themselves just like the rest of us. Here are just a few New Year's resolutions that white power advocates have already started to work on.

Improve Communications Skills

Every single year, I promise myself I'm going to stop grunting and drooling all over myself at dinner parties. There's just something about interacting with other human beings that turns my entire body into one of those gyrating sprinklers that looks like a snake ODing. I have to take a sedative just to drive home (not a good idea, by the way). How can I ever hope to be popular with my peers and acquaintances if I can't form coherent sentences? This is the same problem racists have, metaphorically speaking. If they're not belching up insane rhetoric about white supremacy, then they're mangling the historical record to prove their ludicrous point.

The Arkansas branch of the Ku Klux Klan wants to change all of that and freshen up their talking points a bit. In the small town of Harrison, the Klan has erected a billboard that features a girl holding a puppy (awww) next to text that reads "It's not racist to (love) your people." (Instead of actually writing out "love," they drew a heart.) As you all know, the first rule of effective propaganda is "fewer words, more puppies." The billboard is designed to promote a website called "WhitePrideRadio.com." That URL redirects to KKKRadio.com, an online station dedicated to shows such as "Sword of Truth," "White Woman's Perspective," and "Bob's Prepper Show." I can tell you one thing, Bob is not prepping for a dinner party at Al Sharpton's condo.

It's going to be hard for the KKK to make people forget about their history of grunting and drooling all over the 19th and 20th centuries in America, but through a commitment to deception and obfuscation, they just might dupe a few fence-straddlers to go full racist in the new year. The KKK is well on their way to winning (white) friends and influencing (white) people.

Get Involved in Politics

I know how easy it is to get disillusioned by the political process in this country. It's all big money influence, unchecked patronage, and rampant corruption. Fortunately for the hateful, there are folks who have resolved to use their influence to make our world significantly whiter.

The new House Majority Whip, Louisiana Republican Steve Scalise, admitted to speaking at an event hosted by local racists in 2002. The event was organized by a group called EURO, which stands for "European-American Unity and Rights Organization." It was founded by former head of the KKK David Duke and is affiliated with a variety of hate groups. Rep. Scalise claims he was unaware of EURO's racist leanings because he was a young politician with a small staff who just wanted to reach out to his constituents. The speaking engagement was first reported on by a blogger named Lamar White, who characterized EURO as another attempt by the KKK to rebrand. Of course this one failed, because, like… where are the puppies?

Kenny Knight, a former David Duke advisor who organized the events at the hotel on the day in question, claims that Scalise did not actually speak to EURO, but to the Jefferson Heights Civic Association, which had an event two-and-a-half hours before the white pride meet-up. That didn't stop Scalise from apologizing for his speech anyway.

No matter what actually happened, hate groups just received tons of column space next to one of the most powerful elected officials in the nation. Even if you are an unrepentant hatemonger, you can still be active in the American system of government (as long as you effectively take advantage of an inexperienced politician's disinterest in research or record-keeping). You can vote, and it's a hell of a lot easier for you than blacks, Latinos, and Asians in some states!

Learn About Art and Stuff

When I was in high school, my favorite period was the one spent banging sticks together and screaming inside a closet. Thanks to budget cuts in my home state, this was the only music program we could afford. As such, I don't know much about culture, which doesn't make me terribly different from your average racist.

It's really not easy to be a white supremacist in America today, because many of the popular arts are dominated by minorities. As much as the garden variety hillbilly loves car chases and violent imagery, they're going to have a hard time getting past all the brown faces in the Fast and Furious movies. Sure, there's plenty of old-timey music and reruns of Amos & Andy to be had on KKKRadio.com, but Ian Donaldson isn't going to be a judge on The Voice any time soon.

That's why it's time for racists to get more interested in modern forms of artistic expression. The new year is a perfect opportunity to make that a priority. Plucky racists hoping to get a jump on their resolutions vandalized the Limestone County, Alabama, home of Terry Turner on New Year's Eve. They threw rocks through her windows and spray-painted the phrase "Move Nigger Now" on her garage door. The sentence construction could use some work (did they consider the revision "Move Now, Nigger"?) but the effort was there. Not only did they dip their toes into the choppy waters of the hyper-competitive Alabama street art scene, they also added a taste of performance art with the rocks.

The KKK has been looking for their own Marina Abramovic, Ryan Trecartin, or Matthew Barney, and these sloppy backwoods motherfuckers just might be the answer. If the Klan can have a radio station and host politicians, then they can do anything if they just believe in themselves. Who knows, by the end of the year, you might be able to buy Terry Turner's "Move Nigger Now" garage door at Art Basel.

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