NEW YORK - HAPPY YOM KIPPUR?

By viceland

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Our managing editor Amy just went to go stuff her face before the sun sets and she pretends to celebrate Yom Kippur so she doesn't have to come in tomorrow. Before she left, she asked everybody in the office if they forgave her for everything she's done wrong over the course of the entire previous year. We thought this was a pretty tall order of business to spring on us at 6 on a Wednesday, but apparently that's the way the holiday works, and what's more, as long as she asks three times it doesn't even matter how we respond. We could tell her to eat a dick three times in a row (as we did when she requested forgiveness for not agreeing that this is the most over-the-top songs of all time), and God still marks it down on the "You're Forgiven" side of his tally sheet. This seems a little theologically iffy to our goyish ears (much like Kosher hot dogs), but nevertheless we agreed to help her out with the rest of her wrongings while she catches the train. If you've got any grievance against Amy, click below to forgive her.

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There, done.

*PS: Amy said you aren't supposed to wish people a "Happy Yom Kippur" since it's all about repentance and feeling bad about yourself, so we asked her, "Well what are you supposed to say then?" "Good luck with the sins"? "Guilty Yom Kippur"? Then she started talking about how some people don't do the fasting and only celebrate the breaking of the fast, which basically just makes it a family dinner like Thanksgiving, and so I guess it makes sense to tell those people "Happy Yom Kippur" but that they weren't real Jews, and by this point we were just like "Look, we don't care anymore. Let's just put a question mark at the end of the title and be done with this, OK?"

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