NEW YORK - I ENVY THE DUMB

Man, you know who's got it made? Fucking idiots. Like not people with severe mental disabilities, necessarily (although I suspect some of them are quietly having a blast), but the generally dumb. They're not only the ruling majority in this or any country, but they glide across the world's rough edges on a thick, downy cushion of mild bewilderment not unlike those bumpers they put in the gutters when little kids go bowling. I was paying up at one of my town's two shitty Chinese restaurants last night and this old fat woman was at the register in front of me (of the variety you'd expect to collect either Hummels or state-themed thimbles) and as soon as she completed her transaction, she pressed her hands against one another in front of her chest like the Bangles "Walk Like an Egyptian" dance and loudly said "Sayonara!" to the politely smiling host. Sure, it induced a round of that squeaking-cough sound when you're trying to hold in gales of laughter from everyone within earshot, but can you imagine how worldly and refined she came across in her own eyes? She probably felt like Sir Richard Burton for the rest of the night.

Being smart's an OK time if you're into playing wikipedia for all your stupid friends and worrying about how things you write on the internet will be "construed," but at this point I would much rather be able to sit through an hour of Dancing With the Stars without feeling like there are ants running through my veins than recall the names of villains from 30-year-old children's cartoons any day of the week.

I mean, how sweet would it be to get really, really angry in a bar cause you overheard someone say something and you can't figure out whether or not they were talking about you, and if so whether or not they were making fun of you? I always know when someone's making fun of me and all it does is make me realize that I'm not going to do anything about it.

Or how awesome would it be to 100% behind a presidential candidate with no reservations whatsoever just because he "stands for change" or is a "straight-shooter" who says the word gook or is going to single-handedly eliminate the Federal Reserve? Or to be convinced you're going to have a lot of money at some point later in life with no idea where it's going to come from? Or to hear the opening chords of "She Drives Me Crazy" and be completely overtaken by the urge to yell "Turn it up!" at the driver then sing along to every one of the "Wooo, woooo" parts for the entirety of the song? I figure life as a stupid would basically be like being on ecstasy most of the time, and PCP the rest.

And dumb-people jobs? Please. Have you ever worked in a warehouse or on a construction crew? You are basically being paid to get in shape for seven hours a day. Yeah, it may suck 30 years down the road when your back is a crooked piece of shit and the worker's comp from your crushed hip gets cut off for whatever reason, but in an ideal world the workweek would be smart, creative crap Monday, Wednesday, and Friday; manual outdoor labor Tuesday and Thursday. Holy shit that would be heaven.

The one thing I wonder though is if dumb people get stressed out about being stupid. Like for instance, I'm not so hot at math or science, but if I read A Brief History of Time or one of those Quantum Mechanics for Dummies books really slowly I can sort of grasp the fundamentals. Still, it's kind of frustrating when PBS does a special on String Theory or whatever and all I can do is sit there and think "There is no way I will ever understand this. These people are about a billion times smarter than me and their knowledge will forever be beyond my reach." Do you think this happens to dumb people with slightly complicated things? Like when some delivery guy who sounds like Bowser from Sha Na Na overhears two guys at the bar he's changing the kegs in talking about Russia's new president and goes "Jeez, get a load of the history twins here. [then to the rest of the bar] Newsflash guys: you ain't in history class. You're in a BAR," and then cracks up for a full 15 seconds—does he mean it, or are his insides crying "I wish we understood Russia"?

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