News Of Zealand: A Snubbed PM, Poop Cakes, And A Local George Costanza

It was a bit of a rough end to 2013 for New Zealand’s Prime Minister and perennial limelight lover, John Key. After an unfortunate case of “forgetting” which side of the apartheid debate he was on, to be fair it probably doesn’t matter considering most of the international media have forgotten who he is anyway.

In December the PM travelled with a New Zealand delegate to South Africa to pay their respects to Nelson Mandela. After having a grand old time hob-nobbing with all the big-wigs at Mandela’s funeral, the New York Post quickly turned his smarmy smile upside-down, publishing the New Zealand leaders photo with the caption “British Prime minister David Cameron laughs with an unidentified guest.” Ouch.  At least the world will never forget his proudest moment on the international stage—the time he got to read out the Top Ten on Letterman.

At least 2014 is off to a better start with Mr Key swiftly making good on his New Year’s resolution to get his name back in the spotlight by successfully persuading President Obama to play a round of golf with him in Hawaii.

One name political pundits might do well to remember is that of former international heavyweight boxer David Tua, who immediately after hanging up his gloves following his last fight in Hamilton, threw his hat into the political ring and announced his intentions to run for parliament in 2014. The only question remaining now is exactly which party he intends to stand for.  So far the Samoan-born, South-Auckland raised “Tuaman” has been courted by suitors across the political spectrum, including the Maori Party and the Conservative Party, along with suggestions he might just start his own.  Both parties cited the influence of having a heavyweight boxer fronting their door-knocking campaign as a key motivating factor.

A South Island baker fed up with a shitty client was unrepentant after surprising an engagement party with a poo-shaped cake along with a note that read “EAT SHIT!“. Cake artist Emma McDonald sent the turd gateau after she claimed the client became annoyed at her for rescheduling a meeting and generally milking a fifty dollar voucher.  Hilarity ensued as the savvy business owner took to Facebook to unveil her work with the comment, “You left with a $30 voucher and you want a cake still?? ok cool - give me some ideas?? oh wait you have none apart from wanting chocolate. I have a brilliant idea for your cake!!! - so here it is, your turd cake! Hope you learn your lesson.”

The embarrassed client left with poo-cake on their face responded, "We r just at my sister's engagement and got your cake, we and every1 else is absolutely disgusted."

The stunt may prove to be an unexpected boon for Oh Cakes, with international demand expressed for custom-made revenge delicacies. McDonald doesn’t seem too worried about the stunt effecting business, commenting on Facebook that the cake, "seems to be popping up everywhere . . . business opportunities have been thrown my way as well . . . viral much?"

No pictures were available of our man, so here’s another naked dude on a scooter. 

A Canterbury scooter driver was lucky to get away with a warning when he was pulled over with his gruts around his ankles in an attempt to cool off his overheating goolies. Officer Craig Newman pulled over the half-naked driver after being temporarily blinded by the sight of his bare white bum on State Highway 1. When questioned over his lack of pants while operating a vehicle the man explained he was, “just cooling them [his nuts] down” after they became overheated". Which I’m sure we can all relate to.

Having not received any complaints about the incident, the officer let him go whilst warning him about the importance of, "wearing all safety equipment in the appropriate places".  The driver, having just avoided a possible charge of indecent exposure, proceeded to cruise off into the sunset, whilst belting out at the top of his lungs, “YEAH I’M FREEEE…. I’M FREEEEE-BALLIN’”

And finally, 2014 has started out surprisingly well for New Zealand’s very own George Costanza, having won his case for unjustifiable dismissal after being fired for avoiding work duties by carving out a sleeping space in an office ceiling. Francis Hudson was sacked from Japanese Spares Limited after his manager had caught him sleeping during working hours in the ceiling on numerous occasions, in addition to sleeping in car parks when he was supposed to be delivering parts. The construction of his ceiling sleeping quarters had also caused structural damage requiring more than $37,000 in repairs. Despite this, JSL was ordered to pay Mr Hudson $1795.34 in lost wages and compensation after it was ruled that Mr Hudson's dismissal had been, "procedurally and possibly substantively unjustified."  Mr Hudson presumable reacted to the decision with a triumphant fist-pump, exclaiming “I’m back in business, baby!”

Follow Shane on Twitter: @doteyes

Previously:

News Of Zealand: Cardboard Sexual Assault, Bogan Shopping, The Fake Moon Landing

News Of Zealand