Image by Alex Reyes

Greetings, you goddamned gourmands.

I'm VICE's art editor, but I don't only appreciate visual beauty, I appreciate the beauty of the culinary arts too. That's why I started reviewing frozen food for VICE each week—you can't really know how beautiful something is until you put it in your mouth anyway.

This week I'm reviewing frozen Indian food products by Amy's Kitchen. I make no apologies for my love of Amy's food. I'm not a vegetarian, but I acknowledge that meat has a higher potential for being disgusting.

Some people might read VICE or these reviews and assume I'm only here to be cruel and snarky as I make fun of low hanging frozen-fruit. That's not the case at all. I loved every one of the items in my column this week. I earnestly endorse readers to keep at least a couple of each in your freezers for when you get home and want to eat something fast and simple that won't make you feel lethargic or leave a gross taste in your mouth. Here are reviews of what I consider to be the pinnacle of frozen food perfection.

The actual food is a lot less pretty than the box makes it out to be, but it's still good. Hard to screw up spinach, rice, and beans. I was very high when I ate this. I remember photographing it and then I remember looking at an empty cardboard dish with a fork lying in it. What happened in between those two events is absent from my memory. I am pretty sure that I really liked this.

Often, I come home really late after DJing. I typically smoke a joint and then microwave one of Amy's Indian dishes. As I eat it I think to myself, It's all worthwhile just to come home to you, Amy's Palak Paneer. And then I pass out watching Dragonball, surrounded by empties of Coors Light and an ashtray overflowing with roaches.

GRADE: A+

Is something the matter, my dear? Just eat some mattar paneer. Eat one and your troubles will disappear.

You have to eat one for each trouble in your life. I ate five which caused me to feel self-conscious about being an eataholic, so I ate a sixth dinner to assuage that.

Problem eaten! Self-consciousness beaten!

GRADE: A

This was good and un-gross like all of Amy's frozen food. It's my least favorite of the Amy's Indian dishes I've tried so far, but I still loved it. The Palak Paneer is still the best. The Matar Paneer is a close second. This one is a close third. Did I mention they're all good? Three-way tie for first place, basically.

The only problem is that one Amy's thing is not enough for an adult man. One is enough for a child. I ate this, smoked a joint, and then followed it up with an Amy's Cheese Enchilada.

The other week, Amy's staff told me they'd send me free food (and set me up on a date). If they come through, it'll hopefully help me cut down on the cost of my double Amy's meals, as well as the chronic loneliness I feel on the inside.

GRADE: A-

This looks like a burrito but it's not. It's a samosa, which is like a prank burrito. You bite into it, alone in your apartment with your cat and massive knife and porno-comic collection, and taste potato mixed with the sturdy blank flavor of the not-tortilla. During a few bites, I could feel the gratifying snap of a pea being bitten through. I didn't consciously notice any other flavors or textures. It was all soft potato, mild space, the bready containment shield, and warmth.

It's almost exactly like eating a knish, which has led me to wonder: Where are Amy's Jewish foods? They make Italian, Thai, Mexican, and Indian foods. This could be labeled a knish and marketed to a whole new demographic. Amy's Kitchen, email me if this concept intrigues you.

Overall the samosa doesn't blow me away, but it's pleasant. I have yet to be wowed by any frozen burrito or wrap besides Amy's Especial Burrito.

GRADE: B

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