SEX – NIPPLES
Playing with a woman's gumdrops is a fast slide to her candy-cane forest. Some men experience pleasure from nipple play as well, but I'm writing this from a woman's perspective because I have a vagina, and I feel like it. I will say, no matter what's going on below the belt, you've gotta treat the nipples right.
Now, the physiological purpose of women's nipples are to feed babies, so I have always wondered: After you pop out the little poop factory, milk comes out when your baby sucks on them, right? But do your boobs know the difference between sexy sucking and nutrient sucking, or does your partner end up with milk in their mouth as well? The internet tells me YES, some milk can come out. It's supposed to taste slightly sweet, and some people have even made cheese out of human breast milk for art because of course they have. OK, maybe I should have saved the gross-out for the end, but since nipple play is incredible, here is a list of the best things to do to nipples and how not to fuck it up:
Pinching: Ooh, my favorite! I love the use of fingers during sex and a little pain. Pinch hard enough to make me scream. Scream like Christian Bale as Batman, not Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman.
Biting: Another personal favorite. The intensity of the bite should depend on your partner's pain threshold and interest in BDSM. Just don't bite the nipple off (a wide base helps).
Flicking: This is fun for a tease, to get the party started.
Licking: DON'T SLOBBER. The licks should start soft and slow and increase in frequency and intensity.
Sucking: If you get too aggressive while sucking on my tits, I will imagine you as a baby sucking on your mommy's. Basically don't look like a doofus, and suck with a sense of some refinement.
Slapping: With slapping, the entire hand is involved, so you're bound to hit the entire boob and not just the nip. Some chicks dig this, I don't really get it. I take that back: a dominatrix can slap my tits all she wants.
As with everything, we're all freaks and have different taste preferences, from favorite type of mustard to nipple-play preference. Spend some quality time tonight with your partner's breasts and figure out what their favorite method is.
DRUGS – DXM
I've always felt that contorting the capacities of a legal chemical you can get at the grocery store to get high is kind of lame. It reminds me of high school boys at a military academy, chugging mouthwash to get drunk before they get their first BJ from a dude. Even whippits I've never seen the appeal of; if I'm going to experiment with drugs I'm going balls deep. Give me a coke dealer's number, or place two tabs of acid on my tongue and take me to the mountains.
DXM, an abbreviation for dextromethorphan, is a cough-suppressant drug that's found in over-the-counter brands like Robitussin and Vicks. It shuts off the part of the brain that makes you cough. Who knew there was a part of the brain devoted to coughing? Is there one for gag reflexes as well, and how do I turn that off?
When used in high dosages, DXM has a dissociative effect similar to ketamine known as “robo tripping.” It creates euphoria, things can look and sound fantastical you can't walk in a straight line and you will likely puke. Depending on body weight and what else you have in your system, 100–300mg makes you dizzy, and 600–900mg and you're floating around the ceiling having conversations with clowns. Scary clowns.
While Robitussin is the most popular, Coricidin, known as CCC or triple C's, is another brand often used, although listen to me kiddies: If you're going to try this, don't use Coricidin because it also contains chlorphenamine and the combination of Chlorphenamine and Dextromethorphan can kill you at high doses. Also watch out for any product containing acetaminophen. The DXM-acetaminophen drugs taken in doses required to become one with the Cheetos sculpture you created can seriously fuck up your liver. I'm not trying to sound like to fun police of the robocops, or maybe I am, I think it's a pretty fucking stupid way to get high, and I want my readers alive (if only for the page views). Friends of chemists, or doctors with loose morals I can only assume, can get their hands on pure DXM. Regular people go to Kmart.
Kids these days and their cough-syrup milkshakes. Whatever happened to a little weed and whiskey to get the party started? Call me old-fashioned, but I'll pick up my drugs from Marco on the street corner, not aisle 12 of Walgreens, thank you very much.
ROCK 'N' ROLL - RALEIGH MONCRIEF
Raleigh Moncrief is a Sacramento-based artist and behind-the-scenes mastermind producer. Raleigh Moncrief is one sexy name. I'd call him Raleigh the first few times we humped, while the excitement was still there, and then Big Pappa after a few weeks, or at least after we'd farted in front of each other.
His EP Dusted, the follow-up to his debut LP The Watered Lawn, continues his movement as a solo artist. Raleigh says:
“The major difference is that there are no 'songs' on Dusted. Or, no conventional structures. The Watered Lawn LP was more about making a 'songwriter's' electronic album, and Dusted is more about fucking with the parameters of what electronic music is now.”
Behind the curtain, he's worked for the Dirty Projectors, notably helping to engineer Bitte Orca. “It was insane, in the best way,” he says. “I haven't worked on anything like Bitte Orca since.”
Now there's something you should know so you don't spit out your molly water the first time you hear this at a warehouse party: dude really loves the airhorn. On “First Person,” it's pretty much all that's going on, while his voice seems to blissfully float above the club pandemonium underneath.
“Airhorn can be a very powerful tool, but largely, in contemporary electronic music, it's a lazy cue. I wanted to flip it in a way I hadn't heard, so I made it a feature—as a melodic and polyphonic instrument,” says Raleigh.
Dusted comes out on March 19. Listen to the single “On Feedback” here, and you can also download the song via FACT. For a live show, catch him performing with Javelin at one of these tour dates below.
19 - Boston, MA @ Great Scott
20 - Montreal, CA @ Drones Club
21 - Toronto, ONT @ Parts & Labour (Canadian Music Festival)
22 - Cleveland, OH @ Grog Shop
23 - Chicago, IL @ Empty Bottle
24 - St. Louis, MO @ 2720 Cherokee
25 - Louisville, KY @ Zanzabar
26 - Atlanta, GA @ 529
27 - Raleigh, NC @ Kings Barcade
28 - Washington DC @ Black Cat