No One Was Sober at a Monday Afternoon Outdoor Aerosmith Show
Earlier this week, quintessential roofer-rock band Aerosmith gave a free concert in Boston in front of the apartment building where the band first lived and jammed in together. New England Patriots president Jonathan Kraft along with his father Robert, the team’s owner, opened for Aerosmith, performing under the name the Bad Boys Of Boston and becoming the worst opening act in rock history. When Aerosmith finally took the stage, the crowd’s numbers increased well into the tens of thousands. Home Depots across New England must have been severely understaffed.
Frontman Steven Tyler, who these days resembles a Brotoxed La Toya Jackson, joked that they would never have been awake for the concert’s noon start back when they lived the lyrics to "Mama Kin" (which they played, and quite well). Tyler did show his age by bidding the crowd goodnight at the 1:30 PM finale.
As with any free event in the city of Boston, there were some incredible people with impressive blood alcohol content levels lurking around Commonwealth Ave. Within minutes a squirrelly Sully in a tattered track suit proudly boasted to me, "I was Joe Perry's OC dealer for two years!" before disappearing into a valley of Scally caps and Styrofoam Dunkin' Donuts cups. Then this guy approached me, asking for a picture and hoping to start a conversation about growing up with Aersomith. Or maybe, Aeros-meth?
VICE: What's your name?
Mr. Fuckface: You got a badge? Listen, I ain't giving you my name unless you got a badge or a checkbook. Call me Uncle, Slut, or Fuckface. Mr. Fuckface.
Wow, I love Uncle Slutface, but I will go with Mr. Fuckface. So I take it this is not your first time seeing Aerosmith? When did you first see them?
When I was nine years old.
Cool, what year was that?
I was born in ‘64, so you figure it out.
So 1973. One of their first big tours. What's your first real memory of Aerosmith?
The crystal meth.
How did you think they sounded today?
They were awesome! They always kick ass, especially when they aren't on crystal meth.
Then what would be your favorite time seeing Aerosmith, when they were on crystal meth?
Every one. Especially when they bought the meth, and I didn't have to pay for it.
You used to buy Aerosmith crystal meth?
Badge, badge. Next question.
What's your opinion on the Dufayrosmith period, when they had Rick Dufay and not Joe Perry?
Let's put it in a nutshell: Aerosmith is one of the best bands ever in humankind. Ever. Second, maybe, next to Hendrix. I mean, they are icons. Next question, let's go on! Move! I gotta get to Guitar Center.
So is Aerosmith really the best band that New England has to offer?
Easily. Rivaled only by J. Geils, but you know what? Peter Wolf, I love you brother, but fuck you. You're from Chicago originally, so you don't really count. Even though I love you. Don't forget that Zanes cat from Del Fuegos. Get your hair out of my face, brother.
Sorry. What is your all time favorite life experience where Aerosmith happened to be playing on the radio?
I was fucking three chicks at once while doing crystal meth [he notices multiple cops approaching us to move us off the street]. But I don't do crystal meth anymore. I liked it. Coke is weak. Acid is good. Pot is the way to go, kids. Limit it with booze. Don't get drunk. Unless you're safe, but don't drive. Don't get a DUI like me. Which I did a couple times. What else, kid?
Wow. I think that might do it. You're not on crystal meth now are you?
No, listen I was just bustin' balls. I did crystal meth a couple times. I'm not into those drugs. Go natural. Smoke fuckin’ pot. If it’s safe, maybe a little bit of mushrooms. Leave the acid alone. You don't know what's in that shit. You don't know who's making it. And the cocaine, if it's not yellow or Peruvian, fuck that shit. You don't know what they're cutting it with. They could be cutting it with rat poison. I did mescaline back in the day with strychnine—look at these veins in my head—stay away from all that gooby shit.
Fuck, that looks gnarly. Any last words?
I know I talked a lot about meth, but I don't give a fuck you can quote me on it all.
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