Obscure Reference Guide to the Singapore Sex Video

By Michelle Lhooq

Singapore’s head honchos are freaking the fuck out because very soon Singaporeans are going to be extinct. The country’s fertility rate has been plummeting since the 70s—which is about the same time the government started spazzing out about overpopulation and shitting on parents for having too many kids. Head officials are probably lashing themselves in the anuses right now, because, as of this year, Singapore has the lowest fertility rate in the whole world .

Unable to bear the immense shame of sucking so bad at reproduction that they've even fallen behind barren-wombed Japan, Singapore’s notoriously authoritarian government (who would hang me for calling them that) decided to release the video above. The bewildering Mentos-sponsored clip aims to encourage citizens to show their patriotism on the country’s national day by engaging in filthy little fuckfests—but only if the fuckers are “financially secure adults in stable, committed, long-term relationships.” 

To amplify your giggles, I’ve compiled a glossary of references and local slang used in the video. Happy National Day Singapore, I love you!

SDU - This stands for the Social Development Unit, which is the part of the government whose sole purpose is to “provide opportunities for singles to meet.” Their next super-sexy event is a professionally-guided tour of a dairy farm. 

Merlion - National mascot of Singapore; a mythical creature freak of nature with a lion’s head and fish’s body. Also used to describe puking your brains out after drinking too many Tiger beers.

SMS - The wrong (British) way of saying text message.

Government Scholar - Singapore’s government does this thing where they’ll give scholarships to the country’s top nerds to attend the best schools abroad. Which sounds great until they graduate, because instead of being able to accept one of the millions of fancy jobs offered to them, they have to come home and become bureaucratic slaves to the government for a couple years. It’s fucked up.

EZ Link Card - Subway card, but cuter.

Night Safari - Exactly as AWESOME as it sounds: a safari full of jungle animals that is open all night. One of the most harrowing things I did in high school was run around the safari stoned with my friends. It's “harrowing” because the punishment for doing drugs in Singapore is, um, severe caning, which usually doesn't end until you become paralyzed or die.    

Book into Your Camp -  All Singaporean dudes are required to enlist in the army for two years when they turn 18, which results in this weird trend where local guys look awkward and pasty as shit for most of their lives except between the ages of 18 and 20, when literally everyone turns into the Hulk. Not necessarily a bad thing.

Baby Bonus - In another crazy baby-scheme, the government showers money on anyone who pops one out. You get $4,000 per kid, plus a bank account where they match you dollar-for-dollar in savings.

Durian - An olfactory measure used by Singaporeans to decide “Man or Pussy?” when judging a tourist.

MRT - Singapore’s subway system.

PIE, KPE, AYE - All the highways are given three-letter acronyms, which has spawned many pun-filled jokes between Singaporeans that are mostly too boring to repeat here.

Tau Sa Pau - A steamed bun filled with gooey red paste. Maybe it’s an extension of the “bun in the oven” joke? Oh fuck, ew.

Tau Huay - A soy bean custard. Whatever, it’s actually really good.  

Gardens by the Bay - Futuristic structures built by the Singapore river, which include giant solar-powered flowers, a dome containing a forest of clouds, and other kinds of weird Blade Runner-esque stuff, really makes me wonder why Singapore is so intent on telling the world that our dicks are bigger than Dubai’s.  

@MichelleLHOOQ

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