I’m not one of those girls with an old man fetish. Although sometimes I wish I were, because I get a perverse satisfaction when I see an old guy with a perky-boobed 20-something. It’s sort of like yay, he’s getting a hot piece of tail and her hot piece of tail is being genuinely appreciated. But usually, I like my men to be young, virile, and with an ass you could crack and egg on.
Regardless, there are definitely some old men I’d like to do filthy things to.
I feel like I should clarify: I don’t want to get nasty with any of these old fellas because they used to be hot when they were young, like the way moms want to blow Jack Nicholson. I want these guys in all their wrinkly, jowly old age. Nor do I want to fuck these old guys because they are suave babes who have ripened like a cave-aged Roquefort. No Tom Selleck or that silver fox from Mad Men for me.
I want to fuck these guys precisely because they are old and weathered looking, and most importantly, because the roles they’ve played in movies make them seem emotionally weathered.
Tommy Lee Jones
I want to fuck Tommy Lee Jones so badly it hurts. I first felt this way when I saw Men in Black when I was twelve. Give me a break. The guy was surly, suit-clad, and had a massive, alien-destroying gun. WJTAI (Wet Just Thinking About It.)
When I tell people I want to fuck TLJ they reflexively twist their faces into this expression as if they just drank a cup of their own vomit. But people deserve love and TOMMY LEE JONES IS PEOPLE TOO, you insensitive asshole. His cavernous pores and rolls of excess face skin are gross, but they don’t disqualify him from the ranks of the fuckable. I think he probably has one of those saggy old man butts too, but I don’t care, because I’d be on top.
Part of my fantasy of fucking TLJ involves him saying things in his No Country for Old Men voice, because that is by far his sexiest movie role to date. Those things should include lamentations of his lost youth, the suppleness of my 27-year-old breasts and ruminations about good, evil, and pleasure.
And I’d definitely want him to wear a cowboy hat at some point. But that’s another thing altogether.
At first I thought maybe TLJ would be too serious for all the weird role playing I have planned for us, but dude’s been married three times and owns a gratuitous number of farms and ranches. Is it wrong that a man owning a ranch makes me horny? I probably wouldn’t even have to ask him to wear the cowboy hat.
This one is particularly fucked up because Harvey Keitel looks like just about every older man in my family, except sexier. Suffice it to say, this is about as close as I will ever come to having a daddy complex, because all I really want Harvey to do is hold me close and protect me from the violent, chaotic world outside.
I want Keitel’s Pulp Fiction character, the guy who’s unnervingly calm in crisis. What would make the whole thing even more appealing is if he had a thick Brooklyn accent and was methodical and cold-blooded about everything except making love to me, his broken little angel.
Oh my God, I can’t believe I just wrote that.
In real life, Harvey seems happily married and fairly functional, like most of the older men in my family. If we ever dated, we’d probably just go for matzah ball soup at 2nd Ave Deli then fall asleep watching the news.
I do not want to have sex with the Dude. Let’s face it: Everyone wants to have sex with the Dude. Even the most homophobic, asshole guys probably want to have sex with the Dude. I want to have sex with that gross old letch from True Grit or the geriatric hippie from that movie about goats with George Clooney.
There’s something about the haven’t-showered-for-days, beard-that-smells-like-feces Jeff Bridges that’s a total aphrodisiac to me—the more broken the better. He should be emotionally battered to within an inch of his life. I imagine that sex would be animal and poignant.
Of course, Jeff has been married forever and is a grandaddy and a Buddhist. He probably showers a lot too. Asshole. His propensity for filth is virtually non-existent.
I was birthed from my mother’s womb wanting to fuck Bruce Willis. It didn’t help that I spent every other weekend at my dad’s house watching Die Hard repeatedly since I was eight years old. Which means that Bruce has represented the pinnacle of masculinity that every man I’ve ever loved is doomed to never reach.
I have even been famously quoted as saying “I would let Bruce Willis do anything to me, like, even poop stuff if he really wanted."
Since I was a teenager (and everyone I went to school with can attest to this) I’ve had this fantasy of being rescued from a burning building by Bruce. Then he, battered and browned with soot, throws me down on the front lawn, pulls my panties down around my ankles (I’m wearing a dress), puts his hand in my top, squeezes my breast almost to the point of pain, and takes me hard on the lawn while a gathered crowd watches and the house behind us crumples into a charred mess. I’m seriously aroused just writing this.
I feel confident that Bruce would be into it. He was married to Demi Moore, and at the risk of sounding anti-feminist or insensitive to people with mental illness, that woman seems crazy. And everyone knows that’s just code for “filthy in the sack.” More importantly his current wife is 34, and they did that hysterical S&M shoot for W magazine a while back. So I’m sure Willis is a freak.
All four of these men are so desirable to me that I can’t imagine any scenario in which I would chose to fuck a heartthrob like Ryan Gosling over one of them. I don’t want to do filthy things to Ryan Gosling. He’s hot, but he’s a goddamn pussy, and even though he killed some people in Drive, he’ll forever be that sweet “Hey girl” meme in my eyes, and we’d probably have to make love and look into each others eyes or some crap like that.
So maybe the kind of strength and virility I’m usually attracted to isn’t a symptom of youth. Maybe I long for the steadfast ox that’s been relentlessly tilling the fields for years and years. I guess there’s just something very sexy about endurance, and droopy balls.