Olive the Hairless Cat Picks March Madness - Part III

There’s an old saying, “You can lead a hairless cat to pick March Madness games, but you can’t make that hairless cat pick winners,” and it looks like that saying proved itself true last week. Despite picking the first six games of the first round correctly, and predicting (almost miraculously) that Norfolk State would beat Missouri and North Carolina State would make the Sweet 16, Olive the Hairless Cat did not prove to have a deeper understanding of college basketball than the average cat, or even the average hamburger. Only four of her Sweet 16 picks were correct, and her prediction that 16-seeds Long Island University and Western Kentucky would both make historic runs to the third round did not, alas, come true. But who ever heard of a sports analyst getting fired for being wrong? Look, if Charles Barkley can talk about basketball on TV, a hairless cat can pick games for us. Today, Olive picks the games leading up to the Final Four, and we’ve decided to match her up against our sports editor Sam Reiss, who gets paid to know stuff about sports.

Sam, if you can’t beat Olive’s picks, you’re fired. Haha! Just kidding! Probably!

SOUTH REGION

Kentucky (1) vs. Indiana (4)

If Kentucky doesn’t win everything this season, it will be a bigger disappointment than when you chug bourbon out of John Calipari’s Maker’s Mark bottles and it doesn’t make you more athletic, it just makes your girlfriend mad at you.

Sam’s pick: Kentucky, Olive’s pick: Indiana

Baylor (3) vs. Xavier (10)

Sonics hero Xavier McDaniel didn’t go to Xavier, but he did shave his head and his eyebrows like a true skinhead, putting him in company with WarZone’s Ray Barbieri and a lot of unintentionally-looking surprised people. Also, Seinfeld’s Uncle Leo. God, what are we talking about? This game looks boring.

Sam’s pick: Xavier, Olive’s pick: Baylor

Sam’s pick for the South Region winner: Kentucky, Olive’s pick for the South Region winner: Indiana

WEST REGION

Michigan State (1) vs. Louisville (4)

This is a tough one to predict, because both Michigan State and Louisville seem like they could play the bad guys in a movie. Especially Louisville because of Rick Pitino, who probably knows someone who knows someone in organized crime—sorry if that’s racist, Italian Americans! I have a memory of Rick Pitino doing some shady recruiting stuff, but that might be something I made up in my head.

Sam’s pick: Michigan State, Olive’s pick: Michigan State

Marquette (3) vs. Florida (7)

Marquette have two styles of play, depending on whether sophomore forward Davante Gardner is in the lineup or not: When he comes off the bench, it’s a low-post game, and they play fast when the starters are in. Florida’s best bet may be to pull a Tonya Harding on Davante’s ankles.

Sam’s pick: Marquette, Olive’s pick: Marquette

Sam’s pick for the West Region winner: Michigan State, Olive’s pick for the West Region winner: Marquette

EAST REGION

Syracuse (1) vs. Wisconsin (4)

Syracuse has the bigger and stronger and faster team and will look to shove Wisconsin around into playing fast and turning the ball over. Wisconsin plays boring Midwestern basketball where you don’t make mistakes and slow everything down to a crawl. They’re like the people who stand still on the moving walkways at airports. “Easy does it, don’t want to trip over my own feet, I’ll get to terminal 5 when I get there.”

Sam’s pick: Wisconsin, Olive’s pick: Syracuse

Cincinnati (6) vs. Ohio State (2)

Ohio State star Jared Sullinger could have declared for the draft last season—he’d have gone high—but instead chose to stay with the Buckeyes, for the sole purpose of winning a championship. They’re playing for the pride of Ohio, which involves the keys to an abandoned grain factory. God, Ohio is like one of those depressing Springsteen songs about a construction worker who hates his family or whatever.

Sam’s pick: Ohio State, Olive’s pick: Ohio State

Sam’s pick for the East Region winner: Ohio State, Olive’s pick for the East Region winner: Ohio State

MIDWEST REGION

North Carolina (1) vs. Ohio (13)

VICE Assistant Online Editor Will Cooper went to Ohio University and we asked him if he was excited they had gone this far, and he said he was, then said, “When do they play next?” Not a lot of real fans in the office, honestly.

Sam’s pick: North Carolina, Olive’s pick: Ohio

NC State (11) vs. Kansas (2)

Is barbeque better in North Carolina or in Kansas/Missouri? Foodie debates get pretty rough—hearing people defend vinegar is never a good thing—but the basketball argument was sewn up here a little bit ago. Sorry Kansas. At least you have the terrific hobbies of cooking meat and not having hills.

Sam’s pick: Kansas, Olive’s pick: Kansas

Sam’s pick for the Midwest Region winner: Kansas, Olive’s pick for the Midwest Region winner: Ohio

Check back next week as Olive the Hairless Cat picks the final games!

Previously - Olive the Hairless Cat Picks March Madness, Part 2