Advertisement
Advertisement
I wasn't entirely interested in any of the television shows I was auditioning for in Canada. Everything felt too safe and frankly, too government-funded. I wanted to follow the people whose careers I admired; Meryl Streep, Katharine Hepburn… Paul Rudd. I wanted to be in a town where my favorite movies and TV shows were being made. I wanted to be in the center of the storm. I made a decent living off of commercials in Canada at the time, but I heard you could buy a house making commercials in the States. (I've since done the math and it is true, provided you book exactly 18 commercials a year, save every penny, and eat dog food for dinner.) That was alluring at the time.On Broadly: Learning How to Dress as a Trans Woman
Advertisement
So I moved. I moved just after the housing market crashed. I moved when they reversed Prop 8. I moved and Griffith Park (a hiking refuge for unemployed actors) was on fire for two weeks. I woke up every morning and there was a veil of soot covering the entire street. There was smoke in the air every day on top of the smog. I was very close to suffocating to death and even that wasn't enough to send me packing back to clean Canada. No. I came with a dream and going back with my tail between my legs was a non-starter. Especially because I had a "See You Fuckers Later" party, which was a big farewell bash that implied I'm not coming back until my rider only lets me fly private. So returning at any point would be the ego injury of the century. Despite my incessant loneliness, my binge eating, my desperate nights out trying to make conversation with bartenders who didn't have time for me, I stayed in LA. I stayed because I was beautifully delusional and naive and my hope to "make it in this town" was, just like everyone else's, extraordinarily powerful. Self-will is a majestic creature.I bought my first car in LA a few weeks in. It was a white Honda civic coupe and it reminded me of my late grandmother's white Buick. It felt like a poetic purchase. What I didn't know and what no one told me was that it was lowered to the ground and had very expensive shiny rims. It was four years old and was potentially an extra in one of the Fast & Furious movies. Without friends or a career, most of my first few months were spent driving around trying to understand my now-terrifying decision to live here. I remember driving and looking at all these new streets and buildings and thinking to myself, I have no associations with ANYTHING here.Despite my incessant loneliness, my binge eating, my desperate nights out trying to make conversation with bartenders who didn't have time for me, I stayed in LA.
Advertisement