A Porn Star Named 'Johnny Rockard' Is Running for British Parliament

This article originally appeared on VICE UK.

A senior UKIP party official and candidate for Bristol has been "outed," if that is the right word, as being porn star Johnny Rockard, star of such classics as The "Real" 50 Shades (of Johnny Rockard), Ashley Rider Foot Wank at Johnny Rockard HQ, and a lot of other films that are embarrassing to google when you work in an office. But there are some with Hungarian girls in them, if you're fans of irony and double standards. They come over here, these Hungarian girls, and take our jobs, don't they? They come over here and get paid to blowbang the vice chair of the Bristol branch of UKIP, and it's not on. Vote for Nigel Farage, and get these goddamn Hungarian girls out of my lap, is what Johnny Rockard is saying.

As the Bristol Post reports, 49-year-old Rockard—who goes by the civilian name "John Langley"—is running to be a councillor in the city's Stockwood constituency, as well as being Bristol UKIP's vice chair. He's also surprisingly blasé about the whole "being outed as a porn star" thing. "This is no big deal," he told the paper, with a sort of triple X–rated shrug. "It is just electioneering, and it is the type of thing you expect in the runup to any election. I have never made a big deal out of what I do and I am not breaking any laws."

Rockard previously stood for Brislington East, and has 30 years experience in the sex industry as an on-screen porn star and former escort. He runs his own talent agency and production company (Johnny Rockard Global Media), and he wants to improve the play space in the Callington Road/West Town Lane area of the town. He once got in trouble for filming a porno on the campus of the University of West England, and he wants to give local people a voice in how their services are run. He is chalk, and he is cheese. He is the yin, and he is the yang. A three-bird roast of riddles wrapped in mysteries wrapped in enigmas. The first male politician in the history of the known universe who has been paid for his sex and not the other way around. Who are you, Johnny Rockard? How did you happen?

"UKIP is a working-class party which appeals to working-class people," he told the Post. "Normal people go to the pub and enjoy a pint and then probably go home and enjoy adult entertainment. What people do in the privacy of their own homes is nothing to do with politics and I cannot see why there should be any problem with any of this."

There's something simple and beautiful about the three central columns of Rockard's Britain: work, pub, wank. We go to work, we salt-of-the-earth British people, then we have a pint, and then we head home to beat it, and we don't like the EU. Is there really anything else to it? Common Sense Britain. Porn and pints and keeping the pound.

But what more can we learn from the philosophy of Johnny Rockard? What happens when we get behind that dick and into that mind? A quote, on the rigors of his labor: "I had to keep it rigidly hard for a period of nine hours, and this was way before Viagra had even been thought of—and fire off bang on cue!" He's all about giving the power back to the people!

Another thought, this time on a 24-year-old teacher who was banned from the classroom for having an affair with one of her former pupils: "Realistically what red-blooded, testosterone-fueled male with even half of a brain cell wouldn't look at those eyes and that smile without getting an erection!" Let's be real, Britain! Who wouldn't pop a nine-hour semi over that! Ban bureaucracy!

The only fear is—if UKIP winning the European elections last year is anything to go by—that other parties follow suit. Like: Remember how everyone came out a bit more anti-immigration when it turned out UKIP might have some real supporters? What if, now Johnny Rockard is a thing, what if they all get a bit rough and porny? Labour spin doctors are this very minute chucking around the idea of leaking a grainy video of Ed Miliband having a sad, flat wank. Over at Number 10, David Cameron is shaving his chest, concerned. "Is there any way we can—tastefully, mind you—film me having a go on Sam and put it on YouTube?" And poor old Nick Clegg, with his sad eyes and his little lost face, casting models for the Nick Clegg's "No More Than 30" Lovers: REDUX!!! party political gangbang video, wondering what Miriam is going to say.

"Mr. Langley is not doing anything illegal and it is a little bit unusual but at the end of the day he is a businessman," a UKIP spokesperson said. "Nothing is being hidden and there is no issue as far as we are concerned with him standing for UKIP in the election." And that's ultimately it, isn't it? There's no shame in a 30-year career in sex work. There is shame in being the Bristol vice chair for UKIP.

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