Our Prison Correspondent Is Back in Prison
A while back, we got a letter from a guy serving time in prison in Upstate New York for selling coke. He mentioned wanting to write for us, but most of the letter was an ultra-obscene freeform narrative about inmates eating fried chicken and getting jerked off by fat broads and jamming condoms full of drugs up their asses. We never saw anything quite like it, so we offered him a weekly column on the spot and we soon worked out a system that allowed him to write for us without alerting the prison authorities, who frown on inmates telling the public what happens behind bars for some reason. He wrote us pages and pages of stuff about being lonely in prison, jerking off (a lot about jerking off), cooking using a microwave, porn, and his life, all under the pseudonym “Bert Burykill” so he wouldn’t get in trouble. He’s continued writing for us after getting out of prison and while going through parole and rehab and we think he’s probably the funniest ex-con writer who specializes in masturbation stories in the world.
Yesterday we got some highly unbonerable news—Bert’s back in prison for six weeks after violating parole. (Meanwhile, the white-collar criminals who have destroyed the economy walk free yadda yadda yadda.) He’s going to try to write to us from inside like the old days, but his column is probably going to take a little bit of a hiatus. To tide you over, here’s a collection of his work:
VICE News: Venezuelan Body Count
Last year alone, Caracas had more violent deaths than Baghdad.
Fresh Off the Boat: Back in Taiwan
Eddie gets into face paint, screaming lessons, and furry pink pillows.
VICE News: Beasts of Burden
Investigating illicit animal-fighting rings in Kabul.
Far Out: Agafia's Taiga Life
Agafia is the last surviving Lykov, remaining steadfast in her seclusion.
Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers: Meet the ATL Twins - Part 1
They share the same bed, wear matching outfits, and sleep with the same girls.