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      Ovum Easy, Please

      June 1, 2011

      Those blessed with a vagina or a girlfriend with functioning genitals may be aware that a female's reproductive organs occasionally excrete a gloppy white fluid.

      The technical term for this substance is "cervical mucus," and it has the consistency and appearance of egg whites. It got me thinking: Is girl gravy the human equivalent of the stuff surrounding a chicken yolk? And if so, is it edible? As far as I could tell, there have been no serious scientific inquiries to resolve this question. The only way to find out was to collect samples of my own ooze and throw it into a frying pan.

      A few days later it occurred to me that it might be wise to seek the advice of some sort of expert before beginning my experiment. Not wanting to pay anyone (or look them in the face while asking them questions about this), I sent an inquiry to a "medical expert" at the always-informative beinggirl.com:

      On Feb 17, 2011, at 9:10 PM,
      I was just reading about albumen, aka egg whites, because when I'm ovulating I swear to God egg whites come out of my vagina. Is it pretty much the same thing?

      Sun, 6 Mar 2011 23:14:38 -0500
      Re: Ask Iris
      No, that doesn't happen. It is discharge leaving.
      Your Beinggirl Expert Panel

      Fuck you, Iris! She obviously doesn't know shit when it comes to cooking cervical mucus, and I certainly wasn't about to let a virtual gynecologist stomp all over my dreams. Her answer only steeled my desire to complete this challenge, and for weeks I waited and patiently collected my secretions. I hypothesized that a month's worth of bream cream would equal roughly one serving of scrambled eggs.


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