Sex! What's it all about? "Fanny farts" and creeping to the bathroom with cum dribbling down your leg, if this article in the Metro is anything to go by. Hannah Gale, who wrote the "The 21 Unsexiest Things About Sex," says she's "just being honest" and challenging "unrealistic" sex scenes in rom-coms. But honestly, if you're that fucking basic that your view of sex is in any way influenced by rom-coms, then I'm sorry, you actually deserve shit sex. She doesn't even preface her list with any real acknowledgment that sex can be great fun, or that women's pleasure is important. It comes across like "women don't really enjoy sex, it's all just so dirty and embarrassing." Way to go, Hannah.
The article's been shared over 112,000 times on social media. No doubt by the sort of women who spend their weekends listening to Kylie and drinking white wine spritzers. The kind of people who bought Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus in the 90s and rabbit dildos in the noughties—but only "for a laugh," because Samantha from Sex and the City had one. I refuse to believe any men who aren't called Percy or Harold shared this story because given the chance most guys would shag a watermelon so long as they a) didn't have to wear a condom and b) could cum inside it. Like they give a shit about awkwardness. Just kidding, fellas. I think?
There's probably a serious point to be made about carnal politics and how, in our over-sanitized, digitized world, the squelchy business of sex can be such a source of embarrassment. I could keep certain political debate sites ticking over all week with my thoughts on the pressure for women to look a certain way and why, with the pornification of our culture and lack of useful education around modern sexuality. Or I could get into the fact that these days many women feel like sex is something to be performed rather than enjoyed with wanton inhibition—but I'd rather just talk about sex.
So here are my 21 sexiest things about sex. I did a callout for suggestions on Facebook and answers ranged from "Sacred sex where you commit an act of bonding" to "Rimming until your partner is begging you to fuck them." Pigs. "Making love" is all well and good, but it always fucks you in the end. This list is about the delights of a fully-fledged passion. I'm not including the sexiest part of sex, which, of course, is our imagination and the mystery of what's to come. You may not agree with my points and, despite my best efforts to fuck as many people as possible, I cannot reflect every single person's experience of desire, so if you have better suggestions about what makes sex sexy, do let me know in the comments. Shit like that turns me on.
PARIS LEES' 21 SEXIEST THINGS ABOUT SEX
1 – The smell. If you don't like the smell of sex, I don't know, maybe you're not human? Sex smells... sexy?
2 – Socks. When your trusted fuck-buddy stuffs socks inside your mouth and ties your hands behind your back while ramming you like a champ. You people all do that, right?
3 – When a guy cums inside you and leaves himself inside and then you feel it getting hard again and he fucks you and cums again without ever taking it out. Not only is that sexy, you don't have to worry about fanny farts that way, Hannah.
4 – Squeezing a guy while he's inside you. It's kind of like your pussy/butt saying, "I got you, homie."
5 – Speaking of which, when he puts it in. And it feels like you're sitting on an air freshener canister. Oh. My. Lord. What do you mean it's "not all in yet"? Go, go gadget dick!
6 – When you can tell your lover is really into it. When they groan. And it's genuine. When a guy looks like all his birthdays came at once because he's here, with you, Paris "Yes it's really me, and yes I really am like this in real life" Lees, and cumming like a Roman candle. You know that's how it goes down in a PL session.
7 – Semen. Is great. I probably like it best when it comes as a surprise (no pun intended) like when you're shagging some guy at a house party and some next dude walks in and you're like "Hey, come join the fun!" but he's so horny as he pulls his dick out he just ends up jizzing over the both of you (seriously, what had we all taken that night?)—or maybe like when you're wanking some stranger off in a dark room and you suddenly feel this warm, wet dripping in-between your legs and down your thighs onto your leather miniskirt. Dude, you didn't tell me you were close! Hot!
8 – Your underwear. Call me old-fashioned if you like, but I really don't think you can go wrong slutting it up with lingerie, champagne, and copious amounts of you-know-what. It's traditional, right?
9 – Fucking weirdoes. Literally fucking them. Like people you truly wouldn't want to introduce to your mates. Some of my most leg-shakingly good shags have been one-offs with pot-bellied perverts wearing dirty band T-shirts from the 90s. When you don't care what they think, you can let go and let loose! You might want to ask them to double up on the condoms, though.
10 – Using all the sex juices to get yourself off again. Fuck me that's good.
11 – Watching yourself be a bad girl in the mirror. I really feel like a spit roast is wasted if the person in the middle doesn't get to see how it looks, 'cause it looks fucking horny.
12 – Talking dirty. Agreed, it takes some chutzpah and genuine passion to pull it off, but what are you? A mouse? Or a fucker? You're a fucker—so call me a slut and tell me to suck it.
13 – When you've been kissing and fondling for a while and getting really quite sticky down there and you look at your partner with a sense of urgency and tell them to rip your knickers off, at which point they know that you really, really want it, and down they come, right past your ankles, while the hot space between your legs throbs in anticipation. You know those hands are coming up.
14 – Looking into someone's eyes as they cum and watching their pupils dilate. It's really beautiful.
15 – Hearing your neighbors at it. Wow, turns me on. And fuck me, if anyone ever needed a good shag it was those miserable cunts next door.
16 – The sweat. Hannah has sweat on her list of unsexy things but Hannah is wrong. Just. Wrong. If you find someone attractive enough to let them bump uglies with you, Hannah, you really need to be down with their sweat. As do they with yours. Seriously sweetheart, this isn't choir practice. It's sex. If you're doing it right, people perspire.
17 – Wetness. Man or woman, it's really hot when your lover starts leaking. If you're too grossed out by bodily fluids, I have to ask, what are you doing having sex? Sex is juicy. Good sex is even juicier. If you wanna know if he loves you so, forget his kiss—it's in his precum. Although kissing's hot too. Just all of it, I guess.
18 – Doggy style. This is hot when you just want to get fucked like an animal—a dog, say—and it has the added bonus of leaving your hands and mouth free should his friends require simultaneous servicing.
19 – Number 19 on Hannah's list is "jawlock," which I do sympathize with, really, I do. I'm a feminist. But then she's like, "Imagine if you put that much effort into the gym, eh?" and I'm like, really? You're thinking about going to the gym while you're giving head? But anyway, Hannah's list is WACK and number 19 on my list is "manhandling," which is when a man with big strong hands and vein-y arms handles you. Grab my throat! Pull me hair! I can take it!
20 – "Willies and vaginas," as Hannah so quaintly puts it. She thinks they're weird and ugly, but I think they're special buttons of never-ending pleasure. And I don't care if you're homosexual, heterosexual, or Capricorn—eating out is glorious. Warm wet tongues were made for warm wet clits.
21 – Rolling over back onto his dick again. Hannah rolled onto a wet patch. Hannah rolled the wrong way.
Follow Paris on Twitter
More from VICE: