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      Bummerlicious Incarceration

      August 18, 2011
      From the column 'Pen Pals'

      I’d like to set the record straight about the difference between jail and prison. Jail is in the county you got arrested in, and you stay there until you are convicted or acquitted. If you receive longer than a one-year sentence, you go to prison, which is usually called “upstate” in New York. There are people who might go to jail 20 times and never go to prison.

      Riker’s Island is the county jail for the five boroughs, and a much shittier place to be than the upstate prisons. In general, prison is preferred to jail. County jails are often miserable places. Prison isn’t that bad, by comparison.

      I’ve gotten to experience all flavors of bummerlicious incarceration. Back in ’04 I went to “shock camp,” which is basically boot camp, not prison. It would have been more entertaining than koala sex, except I was shit all over and forced to perform retarded robot tasks for over six months. I got out, but being the genius I am I got arrested for cocaine again in ’06 and I’ve been locked up ever since. I had a nice respite in ’08 - ’09 when I went on work release down in the big city where I got to shoot the gunk a little, make moolah, and get high. Now I have two months left before I get my “conditional release” date, which means I didn’t fuck up too bad and did all my mandated programs, so now I can go. I got denied parole like I was some sort of menace to society the first two times I went up before the board, and I went to my third board hearing yesterday. If I make it, I’ll be free in a couple weeks. If I am denied again (likely), I’ll still be released soon.

      I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to do when I get out. I’m thinking I should be a professional pen pal for all the pretty girls locked up. There is a New York State Department of Corrections website that has an “inmate lookup” where you can find everyone who’s ever been behind bars. You can type in Jose Lopez and probably get about 500 results, or type Tupac Shakur, Russell Jones, or David Berkowitz. They’re all still there. Then there’s a website called kitesender.com, that lets you type a letter up and send it out. It’s easy, but doesn’t get a lot of traffic because most people don’t like inmates. I can honestly say that close to half of us really aren’t that scummy. We are being rectally jam-fisted by some shitfucked system.

      I got caught like a retard with a couple ounces of coke a couple times and I’ve been locked up for over six years. I am not alone—there are a million stories in here just waiting to be heard. I want to hear why New York State is locking up women, in particular, left and right. I also want to be a pervert and send lonely ladies pictures of my cock, balls, and ass.

      If she wasn’t famous, New York would’ve locked up Lindsay Lohan for a couple years by now for all the dumb shit she’s pulled. I’d like to send her mail while she’s in prison. I’d send her a picture from my cumshot’s perspective, looking up at my upper body all flexy with my fuckface shining while I blow the gunk out. I’ll sign my letter “Orgasmface Ollie.” In the real world most people would blow that type of shit off, but someone in jail is so lonely and desperate they will spend hours writing some really creative romanticness. Most of us will do anything to get some love from the outside. There isn’t much else to do. I write letters for some of the illiterate guys in here. So many of them have fat “white bitches.” I’m starting to love me some fat white bitches, too. I start out almost every letter, “Damn grrrrl, you look gooder than a motherfuckah.”

      Previously - Medium Security Insomnia

      Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of a guy serving time in a medium-security prison in upstate New York for drug possession. We don’t want to get more specific than that, because apparently the prison doesn’t look kindly on its inmates publishing anything negative about incarceration.

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