The Right to Blow Loads

This week, Slate published an article by Dave Johns asking whether masturbation is an inmate’s god-given right. I found the piece well-composed and bonerably intriguing—just about the only thing missing was the perspective of someone who’s actually jerked it in a cell, so I thought I’d respond.

I can really only speak about my limited experience of six years in mostly medium- and minimum-security prisons in New York State. I did visit maximum-security prisons for very brief stints and associated with dudes who spent lengthy periods in max prisons, and really never heard too much about prison rape. Masturbation and rape don’t really belong in the same conversation as far as I can tell, and if prisons are banning porn to stem rape, that is complete and utter bullshit, obviously. Maybe NYS prisons are better regulated than other states, but most of the people I’ve spoken to seem to believe that prisons were much worse back in the day. Since the 90s, NYS prisons have been flooded with non-violent drug offenders like myself. The spots I’ve been at are pretty much dominated by friendly dummies like me and it seems our influence in numbers contributes to a relatively chill atmosphere. Most of us just wanna go home, so we kinda follow the rules, and luckily in NYDOCS we are free to beat meat at our own speed.

NYS did take certain measures to discourage reckless nonstop masturbation in 2010. What I heard was an inmate filed a lawsuit against a CO who kicked in his bathroom stall door lookin’ for smoke, so the result was all the stall doors were cut in half to give a passerby easy viewing into the stall. This was to curb smoking in the stalls, but I’ll tell you that it fucked up my get-money game.

I did weekend stays at Clinton Max and Dannemora where the annex has shitters with no doors and three-foot high walls. This was also one of my first stops—I wandered into the showers and got naked only to notice that everyone else had their boxers on. When I went to Shock Boot Camp in 2004 to start my 3-9 year sentence, there were no doors on the stalls making it nearly impossible to beat off. Dudes would get jobs in the messhall or administration building just to gain access to bathrooms that were jerk-off friendly. Masturbation is a compulsive act for many people. Some pseudo-shitheads might call it a sex addiction, but put simply, it feels good. We don’t have much else to focus on or gain pleasure from so we get busy stoking hard off to filthy spunkbags in the smut rags.

Many people might not be aware that there is a significant number of female correction officers, so I understand the Slate article’s concern over female staff being harassed by hog-floggin’ inmate riff-raff. Without a doubt I have seen shithead inmates who do drive-bys (or, as Mr. Johns writes, “gunning”) on female staff… It’s kinda fucked up, but if a lady signs up to work in a prison I think you better be ready for some hot cock fun. I’ve witnessed female staff willingly hook up with inmates and get fired. Some bitchass inmate will always drop a slip on a fellow convict gettin’ buns, so it rarely lasts. Some female COs enjoy it—that’s why they work the job… they like the power, and they enjoy the look of desire in men’s eyes.

Some prisons have nearly as much staff as they do inmates. Prisons support whole economies upstate, and it’s not just the COs that get bothered by prisoners. One wackjob went down for writing love poems to one of his teachers, and got the shit beat out of him while he was dragged to the box. He looked like Santa Claus and he was in jail for touching his niece.

Basically, desperate people do dumb shit. I was so thirsty in prison, I was writing friends’ ex-girls, fat chicks, and the mentally ill. We get lonely, and actually form unnatural bonds with females in porn or on TV. I don’t really wanna think what would happen to some dudes without their smut. Some dudes literally read porn for hours upon hours a day. The TV room would be packed on Thursdays for HBO shows like Cathouse and Pornucopi. Like clockwork, most dorms have a scheduled procession of scumdicks rollin’ in and out of the stalls beating off between 1 and 4 AM, and often we’re hog-floggin to the last female we saw.

Mr. Johns lays out California’s policy, which seems to be the best and from what I can tell the closest to New York State’s: “In California, where some 170,000 men and women live behind bars, masturbation is permissible provided it is stopped immediately if noticed by staff, blue balls be damned.” So do it, just do it in private—which is the rule for non-prisoners too. The most restrictive policies that NYS has adopted is prohibiting non-published photographs of naked women (like girlfriends or sisters) from being sent in and disallowing the so-called violent bondage stuff found in certain pussy books like Buttman.

I have long been a strong proponent of the theory that prison actually creates perverts through cruel and unusual deprivation. I’ve seen it occur before my eyes. It destroys people… It turns healthy families unhealthy, and makes people go crazy when they can’t have what they want and love. A good woman can get fed up and say fuck it, and affect a man’s perception of women for the rest of his life. In the Slate article, it says that “only six states allow conjugal visits,” which is astounding to me.

Apparently, New York is one of these states, but their conjugal visit policy is done in the most backward-ass retard shit way I can possibly imagine. Only max prisons have conjugals, so I have never had the chance. Only violent criminals and dudes locked up for seven years or more are allowed to see their women for weekend trailer visits. What this system actually creates is a buncha desperate fat broads marrying inmates who might never see the light of day, and visiting them in prison trailers a couple times a year and conceiving bastard children destined to become fat, worthless criminals. Of course, the conjugal visit has probably saved many a good, struggling, deserving family and has undoubtedly been a positive thing for some over the years. It is also the biggest incentive to behave in prison. If you get a write-up, you lose your conjugal privileges, so you best believe it keeps the crackers in order. I’m really just very jealous I was never afforded this opportunity. I’ve ruined a few good relationships while in prison, and truthfully, a couple weekends alone to reconnect and remember why the love existed might have saved that. Instead, like most inmates, I just reached for the baby oil.

Previously - A Dispatch from the Inside