Booty in the Buttpocket
Not too long ago I learned that humans come equipped with our own pocket, a marsupial-esque pouch I’ve dubbed the buttpocket. You cannot know how serious boofing (sticking drugs up your stinkhole) is until you come to jail and learn that even real world people are stuffing drugs in their buttpockets or cheekin' (nuzzling things between their buttcheeks). The idea with cheekin' is that if the cops roll up on you, you can ram the contraband up your pre-lubricated hole before the porkchop patrol does a strip search.
I will not discuss the assplay involved in upstate prisons, since the Investigator General, a Gestapo guy from Albany who reads my mail, visited me and threatened to extend my prison stay a few years because I am a security-breaching bastard teaching kids how to smuggle drugs in their butts. Instead, I’ll take it back to Saratoga County Jail in 2006, when I first busted my ass cherry and got busy with a balloon filled with illicit substances.
Inmates with money make more money, and I’ve always been savvy or lucky enough to go to jail with cash. I know that unless I invest it, it’ll be gone quick. We only make about five bucks a week in prison and no money in county jail, so whatever we got we better flip it before it’s gone. My buttpocket was destined to be a moneymaker.
Technically, there is no tobacco allowed in any county lockup, yet a lot of dummies are still smoking cigarettes straight out of someone’s ass. I call it “buttbacco,” and as a non-tobacco smoking cracker, I am appalled by the crackhead behavior. If I am going to snort, swallow, or inhale anything that came out of someone’s ass, it better make me get-gone long-time. Buttbacco does not get me high. It makes me dizzy and nauseous for two minutes, which sucks, especially when I think about it coming out of a stinky anus. Nothing makes me more furious than a desperate nicotine-addicted cracker wasting all that buttpocket space with poison. I have seen dudes poop it out, roll it, and smoke it without even washing their hands. That’s fucking sick.
Often at the conclusion of visits at the county jail, I would smell a stank-ass scent as dudes shoved little or big drug-filled balloons in their stinkholes. Personally, I was rather scared of BULBOUS balloons and my stripper bitch only delivered me small packages before she left me for a new coke-dealing sleazebag. Most of these females just put the balloons in their panties, but some of them do their own boof technique called the “poof.” The COs have a drug screening apparatus that takes samples from the visitor’s flesh, pockets, and wherever else. They get swab-swiped so some UV fluorescent light machine can detect drugs on some next level shit. The smuggling process needs to be planned and focused or the mule-broad might go down. The balloons should look like a roll of pennies or a very tiny penis. You can fit about an ounce of weed or 40 pills in a balloon the size of a roll of pennies fairly easily. It also goes in your ass fairly easily. Just think how big some shits are or how certain females can take multiple dicks or a champagne bottle in the pooper. The asscave is a modern marvel, if you ask me.
After our visits, the piece of shit CO usually tells us to get naked, lift our nuts, and spreads our asses. I’ve probably spread my ass for 100 porkchops. Is that weird? It seems normal to me by now. And none of them have ever done anything shady, as far as I know. Sometimes I spread my ass, squat, and look between my legs to see them and they’re already walking away. That makes me happy.
In reality, there’s no way in hell any of us are retarded enough to leave something hanging out of our anuses. Getting stripped is a waste of time. Even if we don’t boof, we’ll swallow. They won’t find contraband. But if they didn’t look, we’d be cheekin’ guns or very tiny females. After visits, some jails make us sit in a metal-detector chair that looks like an electric chair. So inmates boof razors wrapped in electrical tape. Supposedly, the electric tape tricks the chair. Other times they boof scalpels because those are made of titanium or some other fake metal that can’t be detected by the machine. My advice is stick to drugs. No one ever gets caught smuggling drugs if they utilize the buttpocket properly. I can honestly say that if we all get in touch with our buttpockets, the world will be a better place.
Previously - Tales from the Jailhouse JizzWizard
Excerpt from the Novel ‘Family Life’
Cheers to the Revolution: Kiev's Beautiful Molotov Cocktails
VICE Shorts: I'm Short, Not Stupid Presents: 'How to Keep Smoking'
The Ass Menagerie
VICE News: Investigating an Unsolved KKK Murder in the Deep South
Meet the New Generation of British Nudists
Dangerous Unhappy Things: A True Ghost Story
Meet the Nieratkos: Thomas Campbell Made a Skate Video That’s Actually Worth Watching
Sculpting Nudes in a New York Night Club