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      Porn Stars Auction Their Bodies for Oklahoma Tornado Victims

      June 6, 2013
      From the column 'Meet the Nieratkos'

      I am a firm believer that there’s a joke to lighten the mood of any situation, no matter how grim. Many would disagree with me, but I say fuck 'em. Crying is easy. Wallowing in sorrow is even easier. True mental fortitude is when you can look at an awful situation and laugh in its ugly face.

      When my wife was pushing out our first born on 9/11 as they read the names of the World Trade deceased and she screamed to shut the TV off, I pretended I was an airplane crashing into her vagina to make her laugh.

      When the shitty kid before that kid died in my wife’s stomach, I told her she didn’t want that kid anyway because he was too lazy, that if he didn’t want to grow on his own, how the hell was he going to ever get a job or do anything on his own? If that kid would have lived he’d end up 40 years old living with us and I’d still be using the pillow as a silencer over my wife’s face at age 70!

      On April 15, 2013 two bombs exploded at the Boston Marathon. I immediately texted all my friends in the Boston area and apologized for what, “Those motherfucking Yankees fans did.”

      Some people with a bug up their ass would find such talk inappropriate, but I know from experience that I have always been thanked for bringing a bit of levity to awful situations.

      Last October my home state of New Jersey was decimated by Hurricane Sandy. The assessed damage is $70 billion, of which the government has offered very little. If that’s not laughable, I don’t know what is.

      Knowing that financially there wasn’t much I could do to help, my partner and I in NJ Skateshop started collecting warm clothes from people in the skate industry to distribute to those in need. Fifteen-hour days of delivering clothes turned into weeks, and the daily dose of sadness and destruction really started to take its toll on my mental well-being. I had forgotten how to laugh entirely.

      And then I received a donation box of clothes from a stripper in Vegas, and I collapsed in joy and laughter. Just as winter was setting in and temperatures were drastically dropping and most people were still without heat, a sexy saint with impeccable comedic timing sent us a box of string bikinis and used thongs. It was the best gift ever and exactly what all of us on the delivery crew needed at that very moment. Thank you, funny Vegas stripper, whoever you are.

      That said, I am not so far removed that I can’t relate to and feel true sorrow for what the people of Oklahoma are going through after the rash of heartless tornadoes mangled their world. But the only thing I can really offer, other than donating some money and clothes, is the gift of laughter.

      And so I flew to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, last weekend for the Exxotica Porn Expo to ask some of the top adult-film stars what sexual act they’d be willing to donate to my fictitious auction to help raise money for the victims of the Oklahoma tornadoes. If the comical responses of these porn stars don’t help raise spirits, then I fear we, as a country, might be beyond saving.

      Watch the video at the top of the page or on YouTube

      More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com or @Nieratko.

      Also, check these out from Chris:

      Meet the ATL Twins - Part 1

      Battle of the Butthole Tattoos

      Fat, Sick, and Nearly Divorced

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      Topics: porn, sex, nieratko, oklahoma, porn stars, Auction, Candy Cane, buttholes, anal, funny, sad, Our Hearst Go Out to You, tornado

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