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The Children Are Our Future… Quarterbacks

Are we going to give preschoolers with promising hand-eye coordination specially-designed steroids so that one day they can earn millions while trying to decapitate each other for our entertainment? Will we grow quarterbacks in vats and assign them...

This month, the New Yorker published an article (subscribers only, sorry) about Steve Clarkson’s quarterback academy, which is one of the premiere places to learn all the freakishly complex details of being a successful big-time college and pro quarterback. This is notable because Clarkson’s students are kids—sometimes they’re in their early teens, sometimes they’re younger than that—yet they’re getting drilled in complex tactics like cadets at an Ender’s Game-esque military academy (only they're fighting defenses, not space bugs). It’s another reminder that professional sports have changed drastically in the past few decades. Back in the 1920s, Jim Thorpe, the decathlete, baseball player, and all-around awesome dude, was like, “Hey, I’ll go play pro football today I think, NBD. Also, I have been subjected to horrible racism, as are all Native Americans. What a terrible time to be alive.” And in the 80s and 90s, Bo Jackson starred in baseball and football. As it stands today, I don’t know if we’ll ever see another multi-sport star—not because there aren’t incredible athletes who could play in different leagues at a high level, but because people are picking a sport to specialize in at a younger and younger age.

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If you grew up in a previous generation and loved to play sports, your schedule was dictated by the season—football in the fall, basketball in the winter, baseball in the spring. But now you can play basketball year-round thanks to the AAU, the US Soccer Federation is more or less forcing elite players to play all year, and if you want to be a professional quarterback, you of course have to spend all your time studying tactics, learning arm mechanics, and training. And at IMG Acadamies, athletes from various disciplines can focus on honing their bodies and minds for competitive sports without having to worry too much about tests and academics.

I don’t want to lament the good old days too much. I mean, I want to watch super high-level quarterbacks sling unrealistically accurate passes—if that means that we’re training fetuses to make pre-snap reads, sure, go for it. But this is a fairly profound change in how top-level young athletes live—they aren’t like those Chinese gymnasts who are isolated from their families at a young age and forced to live on government compounds, but they’re not normal, either. A lot of these kids who get trained at these places aren’t going to go on to fame and fortune and will flame out at some point. I hope they aren’t too fucked up by then.

And what’s the endpoint to all these? Are we going to futz around with genes to produce faster and stronger athletes? Are we going to give preschoolers with promising hand-eye coordination specially-designed steroids so that one day they can earn millions while trying to decapitate each other for our entertainment? Will we grow quarterbacks in vats and assign them numbers instead of names so we don’t feel bad when they die at the hands of 400-pound linebackers? The answer, as always, is robots. One day all athletes will be robots, and also all sportswriters will be robots and all spectators will be robots and the world will be a better place. I can’t wait.

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THE GAMES

Tampa Bay (+5.5) at Minnesota
Minnesota is now trying to outlaw gay marriage—I’m not sure why, I thought they were a cool state—and their punter, Chris Kluwe is reprising his awesome Deadspin rant on lustful cockmonsters with a radio spot. But if he really wants to piss off no-neck football fans, he should probably divorce his wife and marry his head coach. It’d be pretty funny, I think, and would make for good drama once the coach gets fired—right now, the Vikings are kinda-good-but-boring, and that’s no fun.
PICK: Minneosta

New England (-7) and St. Louis at London
Cheerio lads, ‘ere we are in jolly old England, pip pip and all that, wot? ‘Ello! ‘Ello! I say, Tom Brady’s quite fit, innit it? Not that I’m a fag, which is what we call cigarettes in England, which is where we are, wot? Lorry! Lift! Jolly good. Let’s ‘ave some crisps and watch the football game, which is what we call soccer. ‘Ello!
PICK: New England

Indianapolis (+3.5) at Tennessee
Quick, name seven players from Tennessee. Now name four cities in Tennessee. If you can answer one question and not the other, there’s something wrong with you.
PICK: Indianapolis

Jacksonville (+15.5) at Green Bay
Remember that Flintstones where they met Michael Jackstone? I do. Ha ha. Jackstone. Jack-STONE. He told the kids not to do drugs:

He should have told them not to live in Jacksonville, ever.
PICK: Green Bay

San Diego (-2.5) at Cleveland
It’s always weird when you meet someone from San Diego outside of San Diego. It’s like, one, how can you real-deal wear one of those Padres shirts with the swinging bald guy on it and look at yourself in the mirror, and, two, what the hell are you doing leaving paradise for somewhere where people double up on socks in cold weather? I mean, come on, buddy, what do we have that San Diego doesn’t? Live music? Just move back home.
PICK: Cleveland

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Atlanta (+2.5) at Philadelphia
Is it normal to get really excited when two bird teams play each other? Just imagine how cool it would be if a falcon fought a hawk! Aaaaahhh! That would be so awesome! This game will be awesome too, as the only undefeated team goes on the road against a team that’s probably just good enough to challenge them, if Michael Vick doesn’t turn the ball over 500 times.
PICK: Philadelphia

Seattle (+2.5) at Detroit
My friend has a spot in Detroit, but he doesn’t live there, he just pops in now and then. He says that when he visits, which is three or four times a year, his neighborhood—which is semi-beat, but not super gnarly or anything—gets a little nicer. Like, every three months there’s a new coffee shop or one of those stupid fancy donut places. Just thought you all should know before all those “Detroit is the new Seattle!” articles come out.  
PICK: Seattle

Miami (+2.5) at New York Jets
Do you know what was on the front page of the New York Post this week? Eva Longoria dumping Mark Sanchez. Mark is “really upset,” apparently, according to “a source,” which is likely Post-speak for “something we made up when we were hammered.” But still, I bet it is upsetting to be a quarterback in an intense media town whose celebrity girlfriend (who is 12 years older than you) publicly breaks up with you. Mark should have played in Minnesota or Arizona, someplace quiet where he wouldn’t be tempted by high-profile women and eviscerated by the media. Maybe then he would have developed into a better quarterback.
PICK: Miami

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Carolina (+7.5) at Chicago
Here’s a question for you: Why hasn’t the country adopted Chicago-style hot dogs? I mean, FUCK:

PICK: Chicago

Washington (+4.5) at Pittsburgh
Someone spent a long time editing a bunch of stolen footage into a “home made commercial” starring Robert Griffin III. It is quite something. My favorite part is when there are police cars prominently in a shot for no reason.

PICK: Washington

Kansas City (-1) at Oakland
“Imagine a boot stepping on a human face… forever.” –George Orwell, describing this game.
PICK: Who even cares about this I think I’m going to go eat a bunch of gross nachos with fake cheese on ‘em and stuff.

New York Giants (-2) at Dallas
If I was a young woman who didn’t have a whole lot of morals or did sleazy stuff regularly, I would definitely fuck Eli Manning just for the story and so I could talk about his other “Manning face” (by which I mean the face he makes when he has an orgasm). And I would definitely not fuck Tony Romo for similar reasons. I don’t know if that says more about Eli, Romo, or me.
PICK: New York

New Orleans (+6) at Denver
Most of the over/under lines this week (for the uninitiated, that’s essentially the amount of points the Vegas intelligentsia thinks are going to be scored in each game) go from 42 to 47. But this game’s over/under is 55.5. Meaning this will have a lot of scoring, mostly thanks to the Saints terrible defense. It’ll be fun.
PICK: Denver

San Francisco (+6.5) at Arizona
Remember earlier this season when Arizona was good for a few weeks and won more than two games in a row? Man, that was wild. I bet Cardinals fans will be telling their grandchildren about it. Their grandchildren will not believe them. “Grandpa, you mean the players weren’t robots?” Then they will turn their grandfather into usable fuel, because there are no families in the future.
PICK: San Francisco

Previous week's record: 10-2-1

Overall record: 53-47-4

Previously: There Aren't Any Good NFL Teams This Year