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There Aren’t Any Good NFL Teams This Year

“How about parity in the NFL?” a man says to another man as they sit on a park bench and watch the traffic in the distance. “Yes, parity,” the second man says. How can he put the love he feels for his friend into words? He can't. So he talks instead...

People talk a lot about NFL parity—“How about parity in the NFL?” a man says to another man as they sit on a park bench and watch the traffic in the distance. “Yes, parity,” the second man says. How can he put the love he feels for his friend into words? How can such emotion be expressed? It’s beyond him. So he talks instead about how every team in the AFC East is 3-3, the mediocrity of the division reflected in the mediocrity of this conversation, this life.

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The sad men aren’t wrong, though. There are no dominant teams this season, and only a few terrible ones. Some teams confusingly oscillate between looking like world-beaters one week and dogshit the next (I’m looking at you, Colts). The Patriots were supposed to be a juggernaut this season, but they’re 3-3 after a blunder-filled loss to the Seahawks; the Ravens and Texans are at the top of the AFC instead, but the Ravens nearly lost to the mediocre Cowboys and the Texans got spanked by the Packers. Before that, by the way, the Packers were struggling and their offense looked more stoppable than it’s been in years. Over in the AFC, the Falcons are undefeated but almost lost to the Raiders, and the 49ers, who might be the best team in the conference, got destroyed at home by the Giants, who also might be the best team in the conference. Then there’s the Bears, but c’mon, look at Jay Cutler:

Pete Rozelle, the NFL commissioner who ran the league from 1960 to 1989 and is basically responsible for its current cultural dominance, was a fan of this kind of “parity,” and it’s pretty easy to see why—it wouldn’t be any fun to watch a succession of blowouts every Sunday, and if fans in places like Seattle and Denver can hold on to Super Bowl hopes (however faint) this late in the season, they’ll pay more attention to the games and boost ratings. Some people might complain about how there aren’t any dominant teams or “dynasties,” but those people are fucking dicks. Who wants a league where only a few teams have a shot at the title?

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Also, it should be noted that it's super-hard to build a successful NFL team. You can’t build one around a few stars the way you can in basketball or baseball. In footbal, you need to get a bunch of really good players together so there’s no weak link in your 22-man starting lineup, and you need to put all those pieces together in a good system with good coaches, then hope that none of your important guys get horribly injured. You can’t control that last aspect of your team: For instance, the Packers could easily go on a winning streak in the next month (they’re up near the top of FootballOutsiders.com’s fancy “team efficiency” rankings), but if a big guy falls on Aaron Rodgers’s leg, their season could be over. Football’s a funny game, and ultimately teams and players and fans are at the mercy of events orchestrated by a seemingly random universe. It’s a lot like real life that way. Anyway, let’s try to guess who’s going to cover the spread this week.

THE GAMES

Seattle (+7.5) at San Francisco
Theory: Seattle is actually the best team. Please, stop laughing. Just hear me out. I’ll wait until you stop laughing. They have the best defense in the league, a loud stadium that gives them a real advantage at home, and Russell Wilson—who won’t wear T-shirts to off-camera interviews—has an outside chance at becoming one of the top ten quarterbacks by the end of the year. Please, stop laughing.
PICK: Seattle

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Tennessee (+3) at Buffalo

Hey, how’s Buffalo the city doing? Let’s take a look:

…and the top-rated comment on that video is about sending the “bad” people back to Africa. Everything in the world is terrible.
PICK: Buffalo

Arizona (+6) at Minnesota
Arizona has a great receiver in Larry Fitzgerald but the guys throwing the ball to him are bundles of sticks dressed like people. The Vikings are one of those hard-to-figure-out teams. To do some research I went on Wikipedia, where I learned that “popular conceptions of the Vikings often differ from the complex picture that emerges from archaeology and written sources.” Indeed.
PICK: Minnesota

Cleveland (+2.5) at Indianapolis
There’s a pretty healthy phenomenon of these terrible broadcasters who keep getting jobs they repeatedly fail at, either because they’re pals with someone or because they were successful at something else beforehand. Matt Millen is a good example. He can’t explain a zone blitz, let alone speak in English, but he was a great linebacker for Penn State and pretty good in the pros, and has a strong chin, so he’ll be on TV forever. What were we talking about again?  
PICK: Indianapolis

Baltimore (+6.5) at Houston
Ray Lewis is injured but might make it back later in the season, or at least in the playoffs. How intense would that be? The team’s spiritual leader and shouter-in-chief returning when they need him the most, the Baltimore fans baying for blood, Ray Lewis holding up a torch and lighting the ceremonial pyramid of skulls… I’ve got chills just thinking about it!
PICK: Houston

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Green Bay (-5.5) at St. Louis
Since St. Louis is the best baseball town in America—check out these NLCS ratings!—and since the Rams are bad, there’s a good chance the game doesn’t sell out. Poor Rams. Nobody loves you and you are in a town most famous for having an upside-down U in the middle of it.

PICK: Green Bay

Dallas (-2) at Carolina

What do you think Carolina did on the bye week? Maybe spend it all preparing for Dallas? Ha ha, yeah right. Maybe they went on a family trip, like this guy:

Why would you film that and put it on the internet? People are weird.
PICK: Carolina

Washington (+5.5) at New York Giants

I’ve seen this ad occasionally during NFL games:

So I guess the point is this guy wants to fuck a sentient ball of chocolate? Does the lady M&M have, like, a hole for him to stick it in? Gross. Please do not sexualize candy, everyone. We already have enough life-crippling fetishes in the world.

PICK: Washington

New Orleans (-2.5) at Tampa Bay
Fuck this game. Fuck these teams. Fuck the NFC South. It’s the worst division. Just thinking about it bums me out.
PICK: New Orleans

New York Jets (+10.5) at New England

New England’s secondary is not good blah blah blah football. Now that the analysis is over, let’s turn our attention to a more appealing topic: Has Tim Tebow gotten his dick wet yet? Some guy on one of those really intense channels with all the financial info a graphs asked Jets owner Woody Johnson if Tebow was a virgin. He didn’t get an answer, which is a shame, but at least he was brave enough to ask what we’re all thinking. (Hey, Timmy has a big one, right? Seems like he would. It’s not weird to talk about that, is it?)

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PICK: New York

Jacksonville (+4) at Oakland
You know when you’re hungover at work and you have coffee because you think it’ll make you feel better but instead it makes you feel worse and somehow more tired and your eyeballs hurt? No? Well, watch this game and you’ll understand that feeling.
PICK: Jacksonville

Pittsburgh (-1.5) at Cincinnati
Fun fact: The Bengals are named after the old Cincinnati Bengals football team, who were active from 1937 to 1941. Football was different back then—they finished the 1937 season with a 2-4-2 record, and there wasn’t such a position as “wide receiver.” OK, I lied—none of these facts are all that fun.
PICK: Pittsburgh

Detroit (+6) at Chicago
If Chicago wins this game like I think they will, we’ll have to start talking about them as a legit Super Bowl contender soon. And that’s going to suck, because we’ll inevitably start talking about Jay Cutler, and then we’ll talk about how he’s an asshole and all that. Meanwhile, no one knows how to pronounce Matt Forte’s name. Our priorities are all fucked up, as usual.
PICK: Chicago

Previous week's record: 7-7

Overall record: 43-45-3__

Previously - Hot Young Stud Quarterbacks