Prophecies of Perish

nless you believe it’s already happened and we’re now in either heaven or hell, then we can safely say that all the previous dates for the termination of the world were wrong. It would take up way too much space to outline even the predictions for the apocalypse that were supposed to occur in the past few years alone (2001 was a biggie), but here are a just a few dates to watch out for in the coming decade. Mark your calendars!

1.

Someone called Shelby Corbett (in an attempt to advertise her new book) has put up signs all over Brandenton, Florida, proclaiming the impending last day will happen in 2007. There are only a few months left, so get ready… or come out with your own damn book!

2.

Writer and mystic Scott Mandelkerd claims to have an “ET soul” and pegs the dates as being either 2010 or 2012.

3.

Citing Mayan & Aztec calendars, many New Age writers predict the end of time will happen on Dec 21, 2012.

4.

Professor Lloyd Cunningdale of Salt Lake City says he found evidence while excavating the site of the famous Donner Party’s demise (the group of settlers who got lost in the mountains out West in 1847 and tried to survive by eating each other) that points to evidence which tells how the human race will abandon conventional methods of conflict and resort to biological warfare. Sometime in 2016, one such disease will spread and kill all of the humans on the planet.

5.

Michael Drosnin, author of

The Bible Code

, found a hidden message in the Pentateuch (the first five books in the Bible) that predicts that a comet will crash into the earth in 2012 and annihilate all life.

6.

Jerry Falwell said in a 1999 speech that the apocalypse would likely happen in the next 10 years and that the Antichrist is probably amongst us now and is a male Jew (Pee Wee Herman?).

7.

The Order of the Solar Temple is an outfit started by a guy who claimed to have been immaculately conceived and that he was the third reincarnation of Jesus. They claim that the world will soon be destroyed, except for the faithful who will be reborn on a planet revolving around the Dog Star Sirius.

8.

The Church of the Final Testament was started by former Russian police sergeant Sergei Torop (aka “Vissarion”) who was dismissed from the force after he had a series of religious visions. They claim that, yep you guessed it, the end is a coming real soon. They are currently building a “City of the Sun” on Siberia’s Mount Sukhaya. The Vissarionites are estimated to be the largest cult-like group in Russia, with thousands of followers.

9.

The Outer Dimensional Forces organization (or ODF for short) was founded by the reclusive Orville T. Gordon (or Nodrog, as he is more known in the group). They believe that the group’s heavenly allies will flood the United States very soon, whisking the ODF faithful safely away from their fenced-off Texas compound. (Given that groups like this and the Branch Davidians, etc. are all from Texas, it may be a state you alternately want to move to or stay the hell away from).

10.

And to round out an otherwise conventional short list of kooks: According to The Church of BLAIR, if the human race does not discard their plastic conformity, what they term as the “Astro-Lemurs” (extraterrestrials similar in shape to lemurs but with rainbow colored bodies) will attack all the people on earth and beat them to death with gigantic burritos… and I did not make that shit up. Obviously, at least this bunch is kidding… they are kidding, right?

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To even begin to give an overview of it all, this list needs to be greatly expanded (God knows there are a fucking lot of ’em) but it’s giving me a headache thinking about it… like a booby-trapped crossword puzzle that keeps getting more complicated, designed only to keep you playing but that can actually never be finished. I need to lie down now.