The Recent Unpleasantness

Public Statement by Jerry Sandusky on His Release from Prison, February 2454

By Sam McPheeters

Convicted felon Jerry Sandusky will find out how long he will spend behind bars when a judge sentences the former Penn State football coach on Oct. 9....He faces a maximum of 442 years in prison.

- NY Daily News, 9/17/12

First off, I'd like to offer my heartfelt appreciation for the miracle of cell-extension nanotechnology. Who knew it'd be so easy to add an extra thousand years to everyone's life? And I should acknowledge the US Supreme Court, for making sure everyone in prison had access to this procedure, and my lawyer, Jeff, for pushing me to give the whole thing a try way back when.

I'm looking forward to seeing my wife Dottie again. I'm told that her thawing process will take a few months and that she'll have to relearn English when she's up and running, so it'll be good for us to spend some quality time together.

OK. Questions?

Do I still maintain my innocence? I'll say this, there were a lot of guys who did a lot worse stuff than what I was accused of and still got lighter sentences. Some of you are too young to remember, but I was never convicted of killing anybody. Remember that guy who ate his whole family and then made a vest out of their faces? He only got 370 years. I'm just saying. 

Am I bitter? Heck no! I did a lot with my time in the pokey. There are tons of great correspondence courses out there. For gosh sakes, I learned Spanish, French, German, Dutch, Mandarin, Japanese, Portuguese, Arabic, Russian, Tagalog, and Esperanto, which I understand is now the official language of the Pluto colonies. And I read the complete works of Shakespeare, Mark Twain, and pretty much every book of Classical Greece in print. Boy, those Greeks had some great ideas [laughs]. Maybe I'll go there on a trip when we're all settled in our new digs. I'm told Disney wound up buying the whole kit and caboodle and turning the place into a Hercules-themed adventure park, is that right?

Did I get along with my fellow inmates? Well, remember, I was in protective custody for the first two centuries. But yeah, there were some great guys in there, a real bunch of characters. Lots of horseplay in the showers. The only time things got awkward was about 80 years ago, when they started jailing robots. What was I supposed to say to those guys? “Bleep bloop”? Although I did learn binary, so I probably could hold a conversation with one if I wanted to.

That's a good question. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. But my passion has always been the pigskin. Even though I'm told the state sport is now something called “faceball,” I'm really eager to get back into coaching and mentoring. Hey, how about that referee lockout back in 2012? I've been waiting 442 years to say this, but wow! What a bunch of knuckleheads!

You, the angry looking guy in the back. What’s that? Do I recognize you? You do look familiar. Are you that family-eating guy? You're one of the kids I used to coach? Wait a minute. Bobby? Wow! Small world. Hey, you don't look a day over 400. No seriously, let's go out and grab a beer sometime, catch up. Find out why you're scowling so hard [laughs]. Kids never change, am I right?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Wikipedia page to update!

Previously - Mock Blockers

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