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      What Would You Win a Gold Medal In?

      By Sheree Millington

      August 3, 2012
      From the column 'Question of the Day'

      Welcome to Question of the Day. What do you want, a fucking medal?

      Realistically, if you’re not already in the Olympics, you’re not going to win a damn thing. But in the name of inclusivity, let’s pretend that any Jane or John, from the beer-bellied builder to the string-bean fashionista, can take part and go for gold. And not just at traditional Olympic sports: gold medals could be awarded for ANYTHING. "It would be absolute chaos!" I hear you cry. "Completely unimplementable, particularly in an age of recession. Think of the staffing issues." Well, maybe, but at least it would be fair. And what's more important: feasibility or our shared dream of meritocratic utopia?

      What would you win a gold medal at?

      VICE: What would you win a gold medal at?
      Billy, 26, painter:

      How could that work in competition? Would you use a roller?
      Errr, the quickest one to paint a two-foot square board.

      Do you have team colors?
      Yeah… white. And red... And blue.

      So, red, white and blue?

      Very original.

      We have decided to publish the audio for this interview, so that you may experience it in its rawest, most pure form. Also, we hope some rich fatcat studio exec. out there (they still exist, right?) will give Dante the massive record deal that he so clearly deserves.

      If you were in the Olympics, what would you win gold in?
      Dante, 18, perfume seller:
      What would I win gold in?

      Yeah, what's your talent, what would you win gold in? It doesn't have to be a sport necessar...

      Oh, OK! Do you think that should be an Olympic sport?
      Yeeee-heeeesssssssssss-esssssssssssssssssssssssss. Yesss I...

      I think you would win gold.
      ... dooooooooooooooooo-woooooooooooo. Woooooooo! Thank you.

      Oh my God.
      Thank you.

      That's amazing, I'm so impressed.
      Thank you, darling.

      Shona, 22, sales clerk: Probably soccer.

      Yeah, I play for Queens Park Ladies.

      But no one watches women’s soccer. You do know that?
      They need to watch it, we’re the only Great Britain team that’s gonna win something.

      …and no one will know.

      George, 62, retired:
      The prize for total collapse.

      OK. The other day I actually went to an exhibition of rapiers and swords at The Wallace Collection, so I rather fancy myself as a sword fighter.

      That sounds a bit dangerous, especially if you might collapse.
      Yes, but I’d want to kill.

      Pablo, 28: I’m not answering that. That’s boring. I hate the Olympics.

      Go on… It could be anything.
      High jump.

      Really? You’re not that tall.
      What? I don’t need to be tall. You’re not tall.

      I’m not a high jumper. What about a non-Olympic sport, like moaning?
      Do you think I moan? What do I have to moan about?

      What would you win a gold medal at?
      Daniel, 25:
      Ping pong. There’s not many good British table tennis people. The Chinese are really good at it, though.

      Yeah, the Chinese are good at everything.
      That’s very true. I could win at Twister.

      As long as no one cups my balls.

      Natalie, 20, artist: Oh I don’t know!

      Wearing nice dresses. Your dress is very nice.
      Yeah, exactly. They should have a competition for that… a style competition. I could win silver.

      Silver? That's so demure.

      What would you win a gold medal at?
      John, 63, Olympics worker:
      Do you have some identification?

      No. Sorry.
      I do work with the many complex issues to do with the Olympics, in fact only this morning I wrote a letter to the Mauritius Olympic President concerning a young athlete.

      You don't say.
      I am also concerned about refugee issues in Europe. I like Formula One, too. And the World Cup.

      Cool. If you were to compete, though, what would you win gold in?
      I don’t know.

      You’re wearing a helmet. Do you cycle?
      Yes. I cycle for pleasure, not for gold.

      Rubin, 23 (left) and Nick, 24, tourists.

      Rubin: Ping pong.

      Because it’s so easy?
      Nick: It’s not that easy.
      Rubin: I’m Dutch.

      OK. What are the Dutch good at?
      Hunting. Hunting bears.
      Nick: Hunting squirrels, bears, chipmunks. Lemurs.

      I’m sure at least one of those animals is an endangered species.

      Previously – Which Type of Olympic Athlete Would You Sleep With?

      Topics: Question of the Day, gold medal, Olympics, Singing, siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinging, Dante


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