Who Is the Greatest American?
Jul 4 2012
You guys. You guys! America! America, amiright? It’s big and dumb and covered in meat and parts of it are on fire and/or covered in trash, but it’s still awesome. Remember World War II? Remember fuckin’ “All men are created equal”? (OK, they still had slaves when that got written, but the words are still awesome.) Remember jazz and movies and baseball? So awesome. Yeah, OK: racism, imperialism, all those natives who were killed—but look, we have 364 days a year to talk about that stuff. On July 4, let’s just chill out and talk about the good parts of this country of ours. Let’s talk about who the greatest American is. How about it, strangers of New York City?
Salena: Goodness, that’s a hard question. Right now, I’m going to say Hilary Clinton.
Because of all that she’s doing in Syria right now. The violence and the chaos there is insane and Hilary is stepping in to help.
Robbie: Dead or alive?
Obama. I think he’s a good guy.
Is some of the criticism against him racially motivated?
Yes, and I think this racism is a huge problem in America. He’d do a hell of a better job than Romney in office. Sorry, I’m so stoned right now. I just put out my joint before you came up to me.
Don’t worry, you’re doing fine.
My one friend is so articulate when he’s stoned. He knows more about politics than politicians. Shit is crazy.
Anita: Oh, John Travolta.
Really? Is he your favorite American or your favorite actor?
He’s my favorite American, I’m sure of it. I don’t know why I love him, but I just do.
What about you, Marta?
Marta: John Travolta, too.
I assume you guys have seen Saturday Night Fever.
Anita: Yes and it’s amazing. I love that movie. I also love Sandra Bullock, she’s a great American.
I’ve seen Miss Congeniality more than I care to admit.
Anita: You can’t see Miss Congeniality too many times!
Ryan: William S. Burroughs.
What’s your favorite book of his?
Why is he your favorite American?
Well, I’m kind of a writer and I really appreciate his style. He was like a beat writer. He was a really smart guy, went to NYU and everything, but still he dumbed down his writing so that everybody would be able to read and understand his stuff.
Bird: Angelina Jolie.
She’s just a really beautiful person. She’s gorgeous and she does great things for children and for the world. She is selfless and does what she can to help humanity. Humans should be modeling themselves after what Angelina Jolie is doing.
People didn’t like her too much after the whole Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston thing.
Yeah, that’s bullshit. That kind of stuff happens when you date people.
Steve: It’s between Jello Biafra and Frank Zappa. Jello was a real political guy, part of the Green Party. I just really respect what he did for music and what he fought for.
Why is it between him and Frank Zappa?
Frank Zappa had the ability to play something very difficult and make it look easy. He was political too, more of a libertarian. He fought against the people who were putting warnings and advisories on music. The guys who administered the parental advisories tried to reason with Frank on it and kiss his ass, but it didn’t work. You can’t kiss Zappa’s ass.
The Tyler Perry creation?
Yes, I love Tyler Perry and I love Madea.
What makes Tyler Perry such a great American?
He is so funny. He’s a hard worker and he just keeps on making movies and shows.
AssMatrix.com Analyzes the Asses of the Masses
Should We Televise the Trials of Famous Murderers?
Having a Tibetan Sky Burial Means Birds Will Slowly Eat Your Corpse
I Had to Survive London Fashion Week on Free Gifts Alone
The Scottish Independence Campaign Lost Because It Didn't Win Over Glasgow's Poor
Time-Travel Movies Are Garbage
Cambodian Surf Rockers Were Awesome, but the Khmer Rouge Killed Them
I Dressed Like an Idiot at Fashion Week to See How Easy It Is to Get Street-Snapped
The Ultimate Basic Bitch Tournament
The Future of Our Gay Neighborhoods