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What Does Michael Fassbender's Penis Look Like?
Ridley Scott's Alien prequel has been showing in cinemas for a couple of weeks now. The general consensus seems to be that it sucks, but the hype around it is being kept alive thanks to some pretty elaborate marketing ploys. The people behind the film may have made it incredibly difficult to avoid Prometheus on the internet, but they owe one of their most effective promotional tools to another film—namely Steve McQueen's Shame, in which the tool in question lived sadly between Michael Fassbender's thighs, and was forced to drown endlessly in the orifices of desperate men and women.
But how much crossover is there really between people who would go to see a film purely because they admire the lead character's penis and people who would go to see a film like Alien? How many people at Prometheus' London premiere will have seen Fassbender's dong? How many of them would be able to step outside their fantasy worlds long enough to acknowledge that Michael Fassbender is, in reality, a man with a penis and not a robot without one?
We went along to ask them to draw it for us.
Josh thinks Michael Fassbender's penis looks like an angel.
VICE: Have you seen Michael Fassbender's penis?
Josh, 20, Kingston: No.
What do you think Michael Fassbender's penis looks like?
Godlike. If it’s anything like his ego then it's gotta be just... divine.
Are you planning on watching Prometheus and are you hoping he pulls out his penis in it?
Yes, but I hope not. I’m gonna have my little brother with me.
What can Michael Fassbender do next, with his penis?
Maybe put it on the cover of Vogue?
Are you a big fan of Hollywood penis?
Erm, yes. Brad Pitt!
Would you get your penis out if you were a big Hollywood star?
No, I’ve got dignity.
I see that you have a Lady Gaga tattoo on your arm there.
Yeah, I have one of her on my leg too.
Wendy thinks Michael Fassbender's penis looks like what a two-year-old thinks an airplane looks like.
Can you draw Michael Fassbender's penis for me?
Wendy, 29, Czech Republic: Yeah, sure.
What the fuck is that? The balls are perfectly spherical.
Well they are round, are they not? He is special, after all.
They look pretty small to me.
He's not that excited.
Because it's cold.
Why is it cold?
Because he's on an alien planet.
Edmon thinks Michael Fassbender's penis drags along the floor when he walks.
Are you hoping Fassbender will whip his penis out in Prometheus?
Edmon, 27, Barcelona: I hope not! I don’t like to see penises. I want to see a science-fiction movie.
Don't you think the film would be enhanced by its majesty?
Maybe women would think yes? I don’t know, I think he is a robot in the film. I don’t know if robots have penises.
Maybe a sex machine robot. I think robots should have penises. It is unfortunate.
If you were a movie star would you take your penis out like Michael Fassbender?
Depends on the money I could earn. Maybe, yes.
How does your penis compare to what you've drawn for me today?
Mine is very, very little.
Claire thinks Michael Fassbender's penis is pretty chill. Her husband thinks it's... not.
Have you seen Michael Fassbender's penis?
Claire Westlake, 34, Whetstone: Not really, no. Only when I’m dreaming! I shouldn’t say that. My husband is right there!
He’s probably not going to enjoy the rest of this, then. What do you imagine it looks like?
Claire: All men's penises look like Tremors, you know the film?
Ben Westlake, 33, Whetstone: I think it looks like the statue of Michael Jackson outside Fulham’s stadium.
Ben: You heard.
OK. At least that's imaginative, I guess. Do you think it's really as big as your husband is making out, Claire?
Claire: No. All men have small penises, they just lie well.
If you were a Hollywood star would you get your penis out?
Ben: Absolutely. Yes, I want the world to know the legend that is Ben Westlake.
Charlie thinks Michael Fassbender's penis is a small, straight line. He seems to wish that it hovered very close to his head.
Charlie, 17, London: Yes.
What did you think of it?
What did it look like?
A penis. Compared to mine, it was small. I don’t remember, I only remember the tits after the dick. It was only there for ten minutes in Shame.
You sound like you're protesting too much. Are you a fan of movie-star penis?
No. I’m more concerned with tits.
If you were a Hollywood star would you get your cock out?
No, it wouldn’t fit in the frame.
Emma C, Emma B and Nami think Michael Fassbender's penis looks like this:
Are you a fan of Michael Fassbender's penis?
Emma C, 22, London: Yes, massive!
What does it look like?
Nami, 22, London: It’s hot!
Emma C: It's massive!
Are you hoping he gets it out in Prometheus?
Emma B, 22, Dorset: Yes, I have to see it!
Nami: Of course!
Are you a fan of any other famous penises?
Emma C: Will Smith in I, Robot.
Emma B: Thor’s Penis! Thorrrr! Is that his name?
I don't know who you're talking about. Would you get your penis out if you were a big Hollywood actor?
Emma C: Only if I could knock it against his!
That's weird, another halo.
Can you describe Michael Fassbender's penis to me, please?
Harley, 18, London: "Wow!"
Dan, 20, Derbyshire: As far as penises go, he's got a nice one. I’d give it about eight out of ten on the penis scale.
Harley: All the words in the dictionary couldn’t describe it.
Do you think it would float in space? How does a penis work in zero gravity?
Dan: It would move based on the conservation of momentum. So whichever way he went when he dropped his trousers is the way it would go.
What if he does a helicopter?
Dan: Then it would continue helicoptering until the friction of his own internal tissue stopped it and eventually eroded it away into nothing.
Can’t argue with that.
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