How Would You Get Rich?

Pretty much everyone wants to be rich. Oh, I see you, dude who’s all “I don’t really care about money, man.” Shut up. You certainly don’t want to be poor, right? And if you say you don’t care if you’re poor you probably haven’t been really poor before. The question isn’t whether you dream about having more money, it’s how you picture yourself making that money. So, people walking around on the street, what’s going to make you wealthy?

VICE: How would you get rich?
Matty Ice, “traveler,” left: I’d make money off of being myself, like I currently do. I’m a musician and I’m writing a book about the philosophy of my travels.
Cassanova, dancer/entrepreneur, right: Me, myself, right now I’m on welfare. I would take that money and flip it. Like, buy a carton, buy some weed, sell it off.

That sounds profitable.
Cassanova: Yeah, I sell my cigarettes. Usually most people, if they have a good talent, like singing or dancing—like me, I’m a dancer—you can sell that. If you have a talent, might as well turn that and make cents off of it. As long as it’s legal. I’m not trying to go back to the box, that’s not happening.

There’s a big market for cigarettes in there, though.

Nicole, geologist:I don’t believe in money.

Why not?
I think it’s bad and corrupting and evil. I don’t believe in personal wealth, so I guess I’m a socialist. Look at the hunger thing going on. If we shared a little bit…

Well, what would wealth mean to you?
It means health, happiness, that my kids are OK, and that I can go on vacation a couple of times a year.

Guess you won’t be staying at any resorts.

Allen, electrician: I guess it would be nice to be a professional athlete. Like baseball or golf. Or a movie star.

Golf?
It seems easy and they get to follow the sun around the world.

What kind of a movie star would you be?
I guess action. Like Bruce Willis.

I love Bruce Willis. You’d look more like him if you were bald.
Well, I’m getting there.

Elliott, screenwriter: If I could, I would allow people to live as long as they wanted to.

So, you would charge people for this?
Right, like you would charge to get a surgery. You would charge to get a Botox. You choose your own expiration date.

Lakisha, supervisor at Whole Foods: I would open a store, selling things.

What kinds of things?
Organic things. But not just for eating. Like, body stuff, too. Clothing, too.

Like Whole Foods?
Yes. I wouldn’t want it to just be in New York, though. I’d want it to be everywhere.

Um, like Whole Foods.

Mike, elevator repairman, left: What would I do to get rich?
Junior, also an elevator repairman, right: Murder.

You would kill someone to get rich?
Junior: Well, more than one person. That way it would keep the income flowing.
Mike: No, you only gotta do it once. If I’m gonna do it, it’s gonna be a big score.
Junior: No, to get rich off of a hit, you’d have to kill, like, the President. And then your whole life you’re on the run. I’m talking about making a healthy living killing people that only matter a little bit—
Mike: Like somebody’s ex-wife or something?
Junior: Yeah! Oh, she wants child support?
Mike: We’ll take care of that! I’d rob a bank.

How would you rob a bank?
Junior: AK, brother.
Mike: Yeah, definitely. Traditional sense. You don’t need to do much. Wear a mask, walk in.

What about getaway cars?
Junior: You need a guy at the door. You know how, in the bank, there’s two doors you gotta go through? They have a way to lock you into those.

So you’re a problem solver?
Junior: Yeah, well, you gotta have dreams and aspirations as a kid.

Miguel, unemployed: If I was able to become who ever I wanted by throwing all my identification off a bridge, walking to the other side, and stealing someone else’s identity, I would choose to be someone who never had to look on Craigslist to find a job.

Someone with a big name?
Someone without a name. Someone who knew a lot of people who didn’t know his name. So, somewhere between an assassin, mobster, and a superhero.

Would your superpower be creating money?
That’s boring. I would find a way to be in control of traffic lights and charge people for that. And snap my fingers for effect, but I wouldn’t actually have to do anything for it to happen.

Previously:

Is It OK to Be Lazy in an Orgy? 

Would You Rather Be Ginger or Unemployed?

What Would You Save in a Natural Disaster?