What Animal Do You Want to Be?
May 11 2012
A bit ago we asked people what animal they were most like and got some depressing answers (they all said they were like cats, I guess because they shit in boxes of sand and treat their friends like crap). This time around, we went out on the streets of Manhattan to ask people what animal they would want to be in hopes of getting more aspirational answers.
Jim, carpenter: I’d be a falcon.
What would you do as a falcon?
I’d fly around all day and kill pigeons. I would have the best view of the city.
I always avoid pigeons. You hate them too?
Yeah, they get in my way. Fuck pigeons!
Pete (left) and “Captain” Bob, stagehands
Pete: Seagull. The seagull is actually an animal of god.
Bob: Seagulls are not animals of god. They eat garbage.
Why a wolverine, Bob?
Bob: It’s Captain Bob. A wolverine is vicious. It can go up against a bear. Not that I’m vicious. I’m a nice guy.
What about you, Pete: why a seagull?
Pete: They’re religious birds, very beautiful.
Captain Bob: I’ll be a wolverine, if I can still smoke weed.
Anthony, unemployed: I would be a cat. No, wait. Maybe a bird.
Cats eat birds. You’d rather be a bird?
To fly the fuck out of New York.
You don’t like New York?
Well I’m homeless. [Points to his blanket on the steps of a church] I used to be a nurse, then I was fired and joined Occupy Wall Street and now I’m homeless.
Where are you from?
South Hampton, Long Island [laughs].
Robert, school administrator: I would be a dog.
Why a dog?
You get everything you need and somebody feeds you. All you need to do is be nice to your owner.
What would you do during your day as a dog?
I’d be chilling.
Alina (left) and Andy, musicians in the German band Frida Gold
Andy: I would be an elephant. They’re very big and at the same time very quiet.
What would you do all day?
Andy: I would just walk around being tall. You need to be tall, especially in New York.
What about you Alina?
Alina: I would be a panther. Is that the word?
Alina: I would be a black panther because they are so beautiful.
Dom, frozen-yogurt truck driver: I have no idea.
You have no idea?
I don’t know. Why should I tell you?
You’d be helping me out.
I guess I’d have to say a cat.
Why a cat?
Cats get to play with yarn all day.
Previously - Who Would You Kill?
Things You Learn Designing Porn Banners for a Living
I Went to a Raëlian Cult Protest for Titties
Stress Makes Me Horny
Superstitious People Are Dismembering Albinos in Tanzania
Voss Water Is Bullshit
Bad Cop Blotter: The Police Aren't So Brave When Someone Has a Weapon
It's a Godlis World: Early Photos of Punk Rock After Dark
VICE News: Water War: Dry in Detroit
Tim and Eric Tell Us About Their Greatest Fears
We Asked a War Correspondent About the Origins of ISIS