What's the Weirdest Thing You've Jerked It to Online?
Feb 24 2012
Can you imagine spanking it without your trusty bust buddy, the internet? Before the web, horny people used to walk miles in the snow, uphill, just to see a watercolor rendering of an areola. Masturbators today, on the other hand, have every perversion thinkable at their sticky fingertips. So, we hit the degenerate-attracting watering holes of New York City to find out the disgusting depths people go to when trying to get their hardcore digital jollies, and what they'd do to get off if the internet weren't around to virtually massage their balls while they stroke it. So to speak.
VICE: Hey Kris, how important do you think the internet is for porn and masturbation purposes?
Kris: Really important. Without the internet I think people would be going out and getting laid more often, and more carelessly, since they couldn’t get all that freaky stuff on their own.
Interesting. So the online porn community offers a safe place for people to get off?
Yeah, definitely. They can stay home and do it by themselves. No STDs.
Well what’s one of the freakiest things you’ve seen online?
Probably this girl in a dildo factory. They made the world’s largest dildo and put it in her. It was like the size of her leg, but longer, and I’d say even thicker, than her leg.
Oh my god. How far inside her did they get it in?
It looked like she could’ve been giving birth. It was pretty deep in there.
Did that turn you on?
It made me laugh!
Without the internet, where do you think you could find the world’s largest dildo?
Nowhere, that’s why we need it.
In terms of masturbation, do you use the internet?
Jess: Oh yeah, absolutely. I’m in love with James Deen, the porn star. Without the internet porn industry I doubt he’d be as big.
So it’s an important medium?
What’s the strangest porn you’ve seen on the web?
That would have to be a pregnant woman getting her pussy pumped.
Yeah, they attached it to a suction cup and all this blood was just engorged in her pussy.
Oh, lovely. Was that supposed to be erotic?
I guess, I don’t know. It was disturbing, especially since she was pregnant.
You didn’t like it.
No. I was just watching horrified. I was like, “Why are they doing this to this woman? She’s pregnant, she needs a nap!”
If there was no internet, where would people get that hot footage of a pregnant woman’s pussy getting pumped?
I’d say nowhere. I doubt there are even magazines that cater to that kind of audience.
Be honest, do you watch porn online?
Don: I don’t watch it, but I’ve seen it.
Right. You’ve seen it. So what’s the weirdest internet porn that you’ve seen?
Probably a chick shitting on someone’s face.
Really? That seems relatively normal.
Nah, that shit’s disgusting! I guess some people like it, but I don’t.
So without the internet where do you think people could find some nice scat porn?
What kind? Scat?
Scat porn is shit porn.
Ew, why do you know that? But, um, I could probably go around the corner and ask a hobo to shit on another hobo’s face, if I was into that.
OK Amanda, what’s some of the strangest porn you’ve ever seen on the internet?
Amanda: I’ve been on Tumblr and seen tentacle porn from Japan.
Japanese tentacle porn? What did that consist of?
Usually it’s just girls getting violated by tentacles. It’s great!
Getting violated by, like, an octopus?
I don’t really know. Sometimes it looks like an octopus but sometimes it’s just a random tentacle.
Um, sexy. Did you like it?
No! It was weird.
And that was on Tumblr? Where do you think you would find Japanese tentacle porn if the internet ever shut down?
Maybe there are videos somewhere, some DVDs.
You would probably have to go somewhere really shady for that.
Well I’ve never been to a Japanese porn store before, but maybe they just have that at regular ones. Don’t think I want to find out, though.
The internet is probably your safest bet.
Hey, so you have seen porn online, I’m sure?
Ronald: [Nods vigorously] Oh yeah. Correct.
You seem really into it.
Well, I’m just thinking of all the sites I’ve been to.
Great. Since you seem really experienced, what’s the weirdest porn you’ve found while surfing any of those sites?
I’m not really into the weird shit, but I saw a girl blow up a balloon inside her asshole. There was an option for funny so that’s why I clicked on it.
She blew it up with her asshole?
In her asshole. It was magical.
Did you like it?
It was funny, but I actually just finished masturbating so I figured, “eh, while I’m on the site…”
And what website was that?
Probably RedTube. Or maybe PornHub. I go back and forth.
So, clearly, you think the internet is an important tool for masturbation?
Are you kidding? Of course it is. Without internet porn it would just be my imagination. It would take longer, and I’d have to use my head. Who wants to use their head when they masturbate? The Ronald imagination is no fun.
Where would you find a girl blowing up a balloon in her asshole if you couldn’t get porn online?
I don’t think I would look that up, but probably nowhere.
Hi Brandon. Tell me the weirdest porn you’ve come across online. Something you looked at and just thought, “what the fuck?”
Brandon: Alright, the weirdest thing I’ve seen on the internet was an adult male taking a Nerf ball up the ass.
A Nerf ball? Was it being shot by a Nerf gun into his ass?
No, it was a Nerf football inserted by his hand into his asshole. And then he pushed it out.
And did you like it, like “like it,” like it?
Personally, no. Not yet.
You have to work your way to Nerf porn?
Yeah, I’m definitely not there yet. But if it works for someone else, it works for them. At this point in my life it does not work for me.
Hopefully one day you’ll get there. So if the internet ever got shut down or really censored where would you find a guy sticking a Nerf ball up his ass?
Middle America. Or Santa Monica Boulevard.
Previously – Does This Warm Weather Mean the Earth is Melting
The Real: The Real 'True Detective'?
We Asked Three Doctors How Illegal Drugs Affect Your Sperm
OK, So I Have a Drinking Problem
Photos of Beer, Beards, and Broken Heroes at Oktoberfest
The Story Behind Nas's 'Illmatic' Is Almost as Great as the Album Itself
We Met the World's Leading Authority on Bootleg Bart Simpson T-Shirts
The Story of Dakota Joe, a Jailbird on the Appalachian Trail
The US Prison System Is Shrinking, but Very, Very Slowly
Meeting the Man Who Cared for Survivors of Anders Behring Breivik's Killing Spree in Oslo
The Alternative Miss World Beauty Pageant Prefers Bitchy Quips to Bikinis