What's the Sexiest Fruit?
Sep 21 2012
Oh man, fruit. Mmmm. Fuck yes. Fruit is so… round. And firm. And, like, moist. And sometimes furry, like a peach—oh, fuck. I could bang the shit out of a peach, dude. Take the pit out, make a hole—damn. Look, we all want to fuck fruit. It’s OK. Fruit is sexy. The only question is, what’s the sexiest?
Bruce, retired psychotherapist: Well, I think a banana is phallic. I guess I’ll say banana.
As a psychotherapist, did any of your patients ever talk to you about bananas or fruit in that way?
No, but when I was in college I remember a friend of mine peeling a banana and the girls going crazy about it. Everybody was sort of into it.
Yeah, everybody saw the phallic nature of it.
Do you ever think you’ll use that to pick up women? Have you before?
No, I never thought of it. It never occurred to me.
It’s never too late.
Mystery, bartender, left: Grapes.
I don’t know, I guess I just like the way people look when they eat them.
It has nothing to do with them getting shriveled when they’re older?
How about you?
Leslie, microbiologist, right: Mango. Because they are exotic and I come from Australia.
Do people eat a lot of mangos in Australia?
Yes, but it’s an exotic thing. They’re very expensive.
Lev, student: Pomegranate, traditionally speaking.
Why do you say, “traditionally speaking?”
In Greek literature, it’s always the fruit of temptation and sensuality.
Do you find the pomegranate sexy?
Yeah, I mean it’s red and seedy.
Would you ever consider using it in a sexual way?
It’d be complicated and not very sexy because the seeds would fall all over the place and it would stain.
Lina, student: Gelato.
Gelato? Is that considered a fruit?
Oh fruit? I thought you said food.
Yeah, as in bananas, oranges…
It has to do with them being red—red is for passion.
Arsenio, doorman: Strawberries.
Well that’s usually the one I see in movies. They got the chocolate and the cream. You know what I mean?
Definitely. So would you ever use a strawberry in that type of situation?
I’ve used it before.
Did it work?
Chris, producer: Sexiest fruit? That’s a tough one… There are bananas and strawberries, but both are kind of lame.
Those have both been said.
Yeah, those are both lame, sexy fruits. OK, I’ll go with passion fruit or coconut—those could be sexy.
Which one are you going with?
It’s not a pretty fruit.
So you find “not pretty” sexy?
Yeah. Why not? It’s an exotic fruit.
Would you ever use a passion fruit sexually?
No, probably not. So I don’t know if it’s the sexiest fruit.
Katie, playwright: I think it’s a peach because it’s fuzzy and really juicy.
So your two favorite sexual adjectives are fuzzy and juicy?
I’m going to have to go with that, yeah.
Have you ever seen a peach in a sexual way to make you think this?
No, it’s just one sexy fruit.
As a playwright, have you ever written peaches into a scene?
I haven’t, but I’m going to now.
A love story about a peach?
Yes, centered on a peach, many peaches, a grove of peaches.
That does not sound sexy.
No, nothing I just said sounds sexy.
Felicia, student, left: Passion fruit.
Joe, photographer, right: I was going to say passion fruit too.
Felicia: Because it’s delicious and really pretty on the inside—it also kind of looks like a placenta.
And that makes it sexy?
Joe: Yeah, I like eating placenta.
So you’ve eaten placenta before?
Joe: All the time.
Is it better than passion fruit?
Joe: Placenta can be better than passion fruit sometimes, you just have to find the right woman, you know? That’s really what it boils down to.
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