Who Would You Kill?
May 8 2012
We’re not saying you want to kill anyone, necessarily. But let’s say there’s a circumstance where you could just totally get away with it, and no one would ever know, and maybe there’s even additional circumstances where you need to kill them. Like what if you’re on a lifeboat with no supplies and you need to murder and eat the other survivor before hunger makes you weak and/or they get the same idea as you? Or maybe your rich uncle is taking a little too long to die? Or perhaps you're just a bored aristocrat who craves the thrill of flying homeless people to your private island and hunting them for sport? Whatever the case, who would you kill?
Brian, business owner: My sister-in-law.
Because she’s terrible, and she’s a terrible person who makes my life hell.
What has she done that’s so awful?
She’s abandoned her mother and left us to take care of her.
How would you kill her?
I’d smother her with a pillow.
Any specific kind of pillow?
No. Any pillow will do.
Casper, on-and-off landscape artist: Hmm. That’s a good question. Get away with it. Wow. I would kill my mother!
Because I hate her. She’s done devious things to my life.
When was the last time you saw her?
Ten years ago. I was arrested.
For just being myself.
What did she say?
She said I should go to a hospital and be taken care of. She doesn’t appreciate the life I live.
How would you kill her?
I’d put my fist in her mouth and keep driving it into a wall.
Bill, 27, charity worker: Wow. You have the best questions. That’s a rough one. Who is, like, a monument to ignorant stuff? There are so many people. I mean, I’m totally against killing. I don’t think it’s my place to take a human life at all. But if I could, it would have to be someone terribly evil.
Like a dictator?
Maybe. Or someone who’s in charge of creating reality TV shows.
Like the creators of Jersey Shore?
Yeah. Someone like that.
Do you think you’d be able to go through with it?
I mean, I’m really into helping people and stuff, and I don’t like to hurt people—but I would really like to destroy a rapist, someone who’s like known for raping and killing people, like that Japanese guy who ate that girl in France.
There was a guy in Japan. I think it was in the early 80s. He was studying there. He said he fell in love with this girl, but loving her wasn’t enough. So he ate her and cooked her, made her all different ways and then had sex with her, and then he fled to Japan, and he’s fine. Like, he has fans and stuff. I would probably go after him. [We think he means Issei Sagawa, who we once interviewed]
How would you do it?
I would probably cut him up a lot. I would keep him alive, but I would cut inch by inch off. You know, cut his toes off and then another inch of his foot and another foot, and then I would cook that. I hope he has dogs. I would feed him to his own dogs. I would put the rest of him in an acid bath. Maybe keep his skull.
Where would you keep his skull?
On my mantle.
Adrianna, personal health and nutrition consultant: I wouldn’t kill anybody.
There’s nobody who you’ve been like, "I wish they would die"?
No! Absolutely not. I don’t even kill bugs.
I believe in the sanctity of life.
Even for murderers and rapists?
Absolutely. Even they have Buddha nature. There’s a spark of divine in everything.
David, homeless: Our last president. Slow and painful. Probably put him in Guantanamo Bay. Let the prisoners have their way with him. Let him have a taste of his own medicine, basically.
Kevin: Oh, God. I’d totally get away with it? Jesus Christ. There’s a whole list. Perez Hilton, 'cause I hate his annoying ass.
Why do you hate Perez?
He’s the most idiotic, racist motherfucker I ever seen on TV. Dick Cheney 'cause he’s a dumbass. Snookie cause she’s annoying. Good lord. Who else? Jesus Christ. There are so many annoying people. All them bitches from The View!
How would you kill them?
I would probably use explosives. Fucking TNT and C4 everywhere. Blow their fucking asses up. Very simple.
Previously - What’s Your Pick-Up Line?
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The Life and Times of a Theme Park Jesus