What Makes You Special?
You know what? We don't care that everyone else thinks you're a neutered milquetoast with an ugly shirt and a stupid face. We here at VICE think everyone is special in their own way. It's your little shortcomings that make you, you. You know? (They're still feeding kids this crap, right?) We went into the streets of New York, a place where being a faceless drone is part of everyday existence, to ask people what makes them a special, special snowflake. Depressingly, the people we spoke with seemed to think their disgusting drinks, racist jokes, and gecko impressions were the only things that make them unique.
Hey bud. What makes you special?
Nicholas: Telling jokes. I guess I'm a funny person.
What kind of jokes?
Raunchy, stupid ones.
Will you tell me one?
If you don't mind really crude humor…
Not at all.
So there's a Black guy and a Spanish guy in the back of a car. Who is driving?
We'll stop there, before we make you special for being racist.
Michelle: My unpredictability.
What do you mean?
I predicted you would say that. What, exactly, do you do that’s so unpredictable?
If I knew it would be predictable. I guess I do have spontaneous noises.
Spontaneous noises? Like what?
They change frequently. Like you know the Geico commercial with the pig? Where he goes "Wheeee”? I'm doing that right now.
So you spontaneously shout out "weee"?
Not spontaneously. I use it as an exclamation.
Nils: I make pizza. That's really all I do, so I think people know me by my pizza career.
Do you like that you're known as the pizza guy?
It doesn't bother me. I even have a tattoo of a pizza cutter on my arm.
Do you think that identity will follow you even when you're not making pizza anymore?
Maybe. I think it has pretty much defined my time in New York. But I’m also known for moving around a lot.
So you're like a nomadic pizza guy?
That is special!
David: The guy who wears a bike helmet at inappropriate times.
In a bar or in the library.
Why do you do that?
Usually because I don't have anywhere else to put it.
Nils: He was actually in a VICE Dos and Don’ts photo wearing his helmet.
David: I was a Don’t.
Did you still wear it after that?
Of course. There are a lot of times when I have a place to put it, but if I bike to a party I don't have a place so I leave it on my head and cock it back, then forget about it.
Has that ever gotten you a date?
No. It's not really something I flaunt that I think would be an attraction.
Bill (right): We're known for drinking a lot of melk. It's half vodka, half milk. Melk.
That’s definitely special.
Yeah, people know us for it. I have actually heard from one bar if the owner wants to kick me out she just gives me a melk. She's done it before, she'll do it again. She does it almost every time I'm in there, to be honest. It blacks me out completely.
What does that taste like?
Wes (front): Exactly what you think it would taste like.
How did you come up with it?
It probably originated on the road. Probably in the desert—maybe Arizona, where all there is is milk and vodka. It really is the perfect combination.
Zach (second from right): It does the body good. You get your calcium and protein.
Bill: Whenever I call my mom these days and I say I'm at a bar she asks, “Have you had your melk?”
Previously - Would You Date a Dog Exterminator?
Epicly Later'd: Ed Templeton - Part 3
Meeting Earth's Strongest Men at the Top of the World
Welcome to the Bananapocalypse
The Return of Radioactive Man
The VICE Guide to Travel: Miss Camel Beauty Contest
Yakiri Rubio Killed Her Rapist in Self-Defense—Now She May Go to Prison
The VICE Podcast - Akhil Sharma and His New Novel, 'Family Life'
Fire Walk with Me
The Creator of the Greatest Criminal Defense Attorney YouTube Ad Is Also a Battle Rapper
VICE News: Russian Roulette: The Invasion of Ukraine - Part 5