Would You Date a Dog Exterminator?
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I was at a bar a while back with some friends when a girl wandered up to our table and started talking to me because she "liked my shirt." I don't know about you, but I don't normally approach strangers in bars to compliment them on their clothing. To be honest, it was also (and this is being kind) a mediocre shirt, so I couldn't help but think she was overstating its appeal in an attempt to woo me.
She was pretty ugly, so the conversation dried up fast, and soon she'd resorted to going around the table and asking us all what we did for a living. I was a student at the time but I also had a girlfriend, so when it was my turn to answer, I calmly replied that I was the resident exterminator at Battersea Dogs Home. As she recoiled in horror, I got out my keys and started jangling them at her across the table. "Do you wanna go and have some fun?" I said. "I have a great collection of bolt guns."
Needless to say, the ploy worked. I'd recommend it to anyone out there who despises human company so much they'd rather spend their Friday nights at home marvelling at how alone they are. But in the days since, it's got me wondering: Who would go out with a dog exterminator? I made an intern go and find out.
Renee, 26, fashion designer: What?
VICE: Someone who puts down dogs.
Do you like dogs?
But you wouldn’t date someone who killed them?
No. Well, it depends. Are the dogs homeless?
Yeah. Strays, ill, or aggressive.
It depends how they kill it. If they killed them in a nice way, maybe it wouldn’t be a problem.
I see, so there's some leeway there.
Andreas, 38, hairdresser: No.
Because I think it’s very cruel and I couldn’t handle it.
But what if the dogs are sick, or just bad dogs?
I guess it depends on how the person would deal with it.
They were totally fine with it.
How could you be totally fine with killing innocent dogs all day?
Alex, 25, student: Hmm. Maybe.
Really? On what conditions?
If they were really nice, then I wouldn't really mind. I like dogs, but not that much. Only some.
Can someone who kills dogs be a nice person, though?
I don’t know... if they’re going around just killing dogs then maybe not, but if it’s for a good reason I can handle that.
Sarah, 21, student: No. I don’t think I would. I’m not particularly a dog person, but I couldn’t be with someone who murders animals for a living.
What if they were just killing the strays, or the dangerous dogs?
Well, if they had a good reason, then maybe they could convince me. I’d have to figure out their reasons for doing it, though. It would just be a bit grim to know they had been out slaughtering dogs all day.
You make it sound like it's fun. Finding work's tough at the moment.
I just don’t think I could be attracted to someone with the blood of dogs on their hands, I'm sorry.
Christopher, 63, musical instrument maker: No, I don’t think I could.
Even if they were ill, or stray dogs?
That would be even worse. No, I don’t think so. I’m a very doggy person.
Do you have a dog?
Not at the moment, I’m very fond of them though.
Not at the moment? Did your old dog die of natural causes?
I'm not prepared to answer that question.
What if the dog exterminator in question was really good in bed?
What if they were ace face at the pants party?
No, no, it wouldn’t make any difference.
Aaron, 21, model: I wouldn’t, because I like pugs too much.
Do you have one?
No, I’m not allowed to have one in my flat. But I will get one.
Pugs aren’t really likely to be put down though, they’re not aggressive and don’t tend to be stray.
What’s an exterminator, though?
Someone who kills animals for a living. Like, every day. Nine till five.
Oh, so they put down nasty dogs, like greyhounds?
What?! Greyhounds aren't nasty dogs. But yeah, I guess. Stray dogs. Or ill dogs. What do you think?
Oh. Maybe. If it’s their job, and the dog needs to be put down then it needs to be put down. So maybe I would date one.
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