Real Pain: Future Dead Friends Tour Live Blog
Jordan Castro asked if I wanted to go on a four-day reading tour with him, Mallory Whitten, Scott McClanahan, Sam Pink, and Mike Bushnell. I said I did. A reading tour is like a music tour but with writers who know each other from the internet instead of musicians who know each other from bands. I asked everyone to live blog the tour so I could compile our accounts into something at the end. Jordan, Mallory, and Scott emailed me their live-blogs (Jordan’s entire live blog, Mallory’s entire live blog, my entire live blog). Here is what we wrote.
Thursday, September 27, 2012: Columbus, Ohio
Feel very confused about why we stopped at loft apartment of Jordan and Mallory's friend Andy. Wandered around apartment complimenting things until Mallory drove Sam and I to a pizza place where Mike Bushnell was waiting. Returned to Andy's with Mike. Jordan said one of us had left a door open and Andy's cat ran away.
Text from Mom: You sound like you are high or drunk or something. Please don't be stupid.
Smoked three hits of marijuana from a device that looked like a grocery bag, more hits from a bowl passed around table.
Nauseous. Nodding out a bit. Reading doesn't start until 11 PM. Incredibly tired. Can't decide whether I should take more Adderall, drink a Red Bull, or take more Adderall and drink a Red Bull.
Jordan just asked if I was liveblogging. Someone fed me more Adderall. Extremely affected by marijuana and Suboxone maybe.
I didn't understand something.
These walls look 39 years old.
Megan seems more and more deaf as she smokes weed, completely misunderstanding multiple sentences, seems funny.
I just went into the wrong building looking for the reading. The security guy started walking towards me and shouted into his walkie-talkie: “Intruder in the building. Intruder in the building.”
Needed something to be repeated several times before I understood. Standing next to Mallory while Jordan’s band plays. Sam is behind us and looks wet/feverish.
Despite amount of Xanax I ate, felt very nervous about Sam sweating a lot from drugs.
Guy is belligerently playing jazz drums alone in room where Jordan’s band played.
Person in charge of reading said audience was getting impatient. Feel like I can't stand up.
Friday, September 28, 2012: Columbus, Ohio to Louisville, Kentucky
Woke up to Scott drinking Busch Light sitting at a table with Sam and Mike who were not drinking Busch Light.
Ate 15mg DXM in backseat on the way to Louisville. Jangled pill bottle between Mallory and Jordan and said "Drug refills? Anyone? Xanax?"
In line at Fresh Market, asked Megan if she wanted me to use money from the “Make It Rain” fund to help pay for Red Bull and she said “No” and the cashier said “You can make it rain here. I want someone to make it rain on me. That's like, my dream.” I looked at the ground and said "No."
Discussed getting extremely drunk tonight and said "I don't think I've ever been drunk around you guys, just...drugs..." Mal said "Yeah, we have a healthy relationship." Grinned and said "Drug-based relationship. We have a drug-based friendship."
There are more readers than there are people attending reading. Said "It smells like someone's apartment" and Sam nodded knowingly.
Felt nonspecific despair while people talked outside the reading.
-Mallory, 7:57 PM
One person attending reading brought cookies. Another person had DMT. Walked with Jordan and Sam to place with DMT.
Within a few seconds of exhaling DMT my entire field of vision was replaced by an extremely bright shifting geometric pattern. Couldn’t discern if my eyes were open or closed and felt like I didn’t exist. Later heard my voice say “Is this going to last forever” and another voice say “No.” Realized I was breathing and slowly started recognizing room and people’s faces. Said, "If I did that every day I feel like I could be president."
Sam smoked DMT. When I asked what he saw he said, “Mating pink and black animals and they’re covered in triangles,” then "No, Good ‘n Plenty," then "No, the other one. Mike and Ikes."
Jordan smoked DMT. He pointed to the floor and said “McDouble” with huge grin on his face, then put his head in his hands for several minutes.
After drinking whiskey in the Best Western, Scott, Mike and I debated ordering pizza then walked to Hooters.
I find myself having a deep spiritual connection with a Hooters waitress named Misty.
Preparing to film 5x people - Sam, Megan, me, [new person], & [name unknown] - smoking second round of DMT.
If I stop typing I will forget.
At Steak ‘n Shake with Megan and Sam.
Policeman yelled, "Hey, hey you!” at me. There were 4-6 cop cars parked with their lights on. “Where ya comin’ from?" he asked. "I was going to my friend's car to get my backpack," I said. Policeman asked what room I was staying in. Told him I forgot. He looked at my ID and asked, “What are you doing in Indiana?” and “Who all is in the room with you?” I repeatedly asked if I should call my lawyer. He said I looked like someone who had robbed the hotel earlier. I told him it wasn’t me and asked if I was under arrest. He said “No.” I said, “OK, I’d like to go.”
Jordan came into our hotel room and looked visibly fucked up. He said police had been questioning him outside then tried to explain why but I didn’t understand. Think he was playing a joke on us.
Saturday, September 29, 2012: Louisville, Kentucky to Indianapolis, Indiana
Stopped at Country Pride restaurant on the way to Indianapolis. Asked Mal and Jordan if they wanted Xanax to maximize our food taste experience. Discovered Xanax rations have gone from 36mg to 9mg. Tried as a group to discern where it went. Jordan said, "It doesn't matter."
Passing a lot of fields. Jordan said "Hundreds of years ago all of these farms contained black people working against their will."
We have now been kicked out of the second place in a row because Sam doesn’t have his ID. You must have an ID to even get a hamburger in Indianapolis. There is a sign on every door that says NO ONE UNDER 21 ALLOWED. This goes for cookie shops and toy stores as well. “Fuck children.” That’s the Indianapolis city motto.
Checking into fancy hotel in Indianapolis with Megan and Mal. Extreme Adderall withdrawal. Suffering.
Felt belligerent in the lobby while suppressing laughter about Megan repeatedly but politely asking for “adjoining rooms” at La Quinta Inn.
Checked into adjoining rooms at La Quinta Inn in Indianapolis.
Extreme panic attack. Crying in parking garage of fancy hotel. Mal is on the phone with my mother.
Jordan said, "Pizza is responsible for the worst depressions, I feel."
Walked to liquor store with Megan and Mike. Yet again felt suspicious while waiting outside the liquor store. Megan and Mike spent ~$200 on ~12 bottles of champagne and other alcohol. Decided to save bottles of champagne to pop in Chicago before each of us read.
Asked Indy Reads Books employee for aluminum foil “for leftovers.” Think everyone is drunk.
Estimate ~40% of this reading was spent looking through a window between a pillar and an obese man.
Sam taught me how to fight outside Indy Reads Books. My attack method seems bouncy. Injured his nose.
I just watched Mallory Whitten pee for the second time in a parking garage. She accidentally peed on her stockings this time. She is walking around and leaving little pee pee footprints all over now. This is my type of woman.
Emptied 2x crack vials onto aluminum foil from Indy Reads Books, heated it from underneath, and inhaled smoke through plastic straws with Sam. Sam held the foil the whole time. Seemed gentlemanly. Mutually ignored knock on door.
Can't remember room # I'm staying in. Megan, Mal, & Mike aren't answering their phones. Wandering around.
Sunday September 30, 2012: Indianapolis, Indiana to Chicago, Illinois
Apologized to everyone inconvenienced by my accidental locking of adjoining room door last night.
It felt hard to drive because Sam and Megan kept telling Jordan and I to "hush" before audibly squeezing Jordan’s two-day-old corn soufflé near my head.
Eating Subway while the “Chickidi-china the Chinese chicken” Barenaked Ladies song plays loudly from the speakers.
Arrived in Chicago. Napped on futon with Jordan and Sam. First nap of the day with Jordan, second with Sam.
Megan is reading Braveheart speech in Braveheart voice.
Read “ShrimpTalk with OKCupid” with Megan in an animated manner while drinking a bottle of fancy champagne and getting poked with a broom by Sam.
Mal told everyone to go outside and run in a circle around her while she read. The circle became increasingly out of control and violent until someone said something about the neighbors and it stopped.
Standing next to Sam who is getting yelled at. I might also be getting yelled at. Acting “extra normal” to person yelling.
I feel the need to hold Sam and tell him everything is going to be OK. I think we all look like ghosts. Only the hugs of Megan Boyle can keep us going.
Monday, October 1, 2012: Chicago, Illinois
Saw Scott reading on the kitchen floor. He said he was going to “take off” for West Virginia because he couldn’t sleep.
I was just pulled over by a county sheriff deputy in Indiana. He said: “What you doing in Indiana?” I said: “I write books and I’m on a book tour.” He said: “What type of books?” I said: “Fiction.” He said: “Like children’s books?” I didn’t respond.
Sam asked if the Barenaked Ladies had any songs besides the “Chinese chickenone.” Felt excited to know the answer and started singing chorus of “One Week,” then someone said it was the same song.
Once we could see where we were getting breakfast Sam stopped walking. He said we were just a few blocks away from his place and he was going to walk home. Jordan offered to pay for his food and he said, “No, it’s OK.” Took turns hugging Sam. I heard people say things like "ah shit, it is ending." When Sam hugged me I felt scared he squeezed a tear out of my eye so I went to the bathroom immediately after.
Out of drugs. Going to eat a lot.
I ordered two pancakes, two eggs, and a bagel. Jordan ordered a cheeseburger and three pancakes. Megan ordered a “fiesta skillet.” Mike got fruit and bread and an egg maybe.
Mike said, “They gave me a lot of cantaloupe” about his fruit bowl, which appeared to contain mostly honeydew melon.
Mallory paid a toll. Car has been silent for 15-20 minutes. Jordan just said, "We ate a lot of carbs."
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Excerpt from the Novel ‘Family Life’
Cheers to the Revolution: Kiev's Beautiful Molotov Cocktails
VICE Shorts: I'm Short, Not Stupid Presents: 'How to Keep Smoking'
The Ass Menagerie
VICE News: Investigating an Unsolved KKK Murder in the Deep South
Meet the New Generation of British Nudists
Dangerous Unhappy Things: A True Ghost Story
Meet the Nieratkos: Thomas Campbell Made a Skate Video That’s Actually Worth Watching
Sculpting Nudes in a New York Night Club