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      Real Pain: Future Dead Friends Tour Live Blog

      October 5, 2012
      From the column 'Boyle's Brains'

      Jordan Castro asked if I wanted to go on a four-day reading tour with him, Mallory Whitten, Scott McClanahan, Sam Pink, and Mike Bushnell. I said I did. A reading tour is like a music tour but with writers who know each other from the internet instead of musicians who know each other from bands. I asked everyone to live blog the tour so I could compile our accounts into something at the end. Jordan, Mallory, and Scott emailed me their live-blogs (Jordan’s entire live blog, Mallory’s entire live blog, my entire live blog). Here is what we wrote.

      Thursday, September 27, 2012: Columbus, Ohio

      Feel very confused about why we stopped at loft apartment of Jordan and Mallory's friend Andy. Wandered around apartment complimenting things until Mallory drove Sam and I to a pizza place where Mike Bushnell was waiting. Returned to Andy's with Mike. Jordan said one of us had left a door open and Andy's cat ran away.
      -Megan, 7:21PM

      Text from Mom: You sound like you are high or drunk or something. Please don't be stupid.
      -Jordan, 7:43PM

      Smoked three hits of marijuana from a device that looked like a grocery bag, more hits from a bowl passed around table.
      -Megan, 8:02PM

      Nauseous. Nodding out a bit. Reading doesn't start until 11 PM. Incredibly tired. Can't decide whether I should take more Adderall, drink a Red Bull, or take more Adderall and drink a Red Bull.
      -Jordan, 9:37PM

      Jordan just asked if I was liveblogging. Someone fed me more Adderall. Extremely affected by marijuana and Suboxone maybe.
      -Megan, 9:41PM

      I didn't understand something.
      -Megan, 9:52PM

      These walls look 39 years old.
      -Megan, 10:24PM

      Megan seems more and more deaf as she smokes weed, completely misunderstanding multiple sentences, seems funny.
      -Mallory, 10:27PM

      I just went into the wrong building looking for the reading. The security guy started walking towards me and shouted into his walkie-talkie: “Intruder in the building. Intruder in the building.”
      -Scott, 10:30PM

      Needed something to be repeated several times before I understood. Standing next to Mallory while Jordan’s band plays. Sam is behind us and looks wet/feverish.
      -Megan, 11:15PM

      Despite amount of Xanax I ate, felt very nervous about Sam sweating a lot from drugs.
      -Mallory, 11:41PM

      Guy is belligerently playing jazz drums alone in room where Jordan’s band played.
      -Megan, 11:43PM

      Person in charge of reading said audience was getting impatient. Feel like I can't stand up.
      -Megan, 11:58PM

      Friday, September 28, 2012: Columbus, Ohio to Louisville, Kentucky

      Woke up to Scott drinking Busch Light sitting at a table with Sam and Mike who were not drinking Busch Light.
      -Mallory, 11:04AM

      Ate 15mg DXM in backseat on the way to Louisville. Jangled pill bottle between Mallory and Jordan and said "Drug refills? Anyone? Xanax?"
      -Megan, 3:18PM

      In line at Fresh Market, asked Megan if she wanted me to use money from the “Make It Rain” fund to help pay for Red Bull and she said “No” and the cashier said “You can make it rain here. I want someone to make it rain on me. That's like, my dream.” I looked at the ground and said "No."
      -Jordan, 5:03PM

      Discussed getting extremely drunk tonight and said "I don't think I've ever been drunk around you guys, just...drugs..." Mal said "Yeah, we have a healthy relationship." Grinned and said "Drug-based relationship. We have a drug-based friendship."
      -Megan, 7:01PM

      There are more readers than there are people attending reading. Said "It smells like someone's apartment" and Sam nodded knowingly.
      -Megan, 7:16PM

      Felt nonspecific despair while people talked outside the reading.
      -Mallory, 7:57 PM

      One person attending reading brought cookies. Another person had DMT. Walked with Jordan and Sam to place with DMT.
      -Megan, 9:33PM

      Within a few seconds of exhaling DMT my entire field of vision was replaced by an extremely bright shifting geometric pattern. Couldn’t discern if my eyes were open or closed and felt like I didn’t exist. Later heard my voice say “Is this going to last forever” and another voice say “No.” Realized I was breathing and slowly started recognizing room and people’s faces. Said, "If I did that every day I feel like I could be president."
      -Megan, 10:12PM

      Sam smoked DMT. When I asked what he saw he said, “Mating pink and black animals and they’re covered in triangles,” then "No, Good ‘n Plenty," then "No, the other one. Mike and Ikes."
      -Megan, 10:24PM

      Jordan smoked DMT. He pointed to the floor and said “McDouble” with huge grin on his face, then put his head in his hands for several minutes.
      -Megan, 10:31PM

      After drinking whiskey in the Best Western, Scott, Mike and I debated ordering pizza then walked to Hooters.
      -Mallory, 10:56PM

      I find myself having a deep spiritual connection with a Hooters waitress named Misty.
      -Scott, 11:00PM

      Preparing to film 5x people - Sam, Megan, me, [new person], & [name unknown] - smoking second round of DMT.
      -Jordan, 11:45PM

      If I stop typing I will forget.
      -Mallory, 2:16AM

      At Steak ‘n Shake with Megan and Sam.
      -Jordan, 2:18AM

      Policeman yelled, "Hey, hey you!” at me. There were 4-6 cop cars parked with their lights on. “Where ya comin’ from?" he asked. "I was going to my friend's car to get my backpack," I said. Policeman asked what room I was staying in. Told him I forgot. He looked at my ID and asked, “What are you doing in Indiana?” and “Who all is in the room with you?” I repeatedly asked if I should call my lawyer. He said I looked like someone who had robbed the hotel earlier. I told him it wasn’t me and asked if I was under arrest. He said “No.” I said, “OK, I’d like to go.”
      -Jordan, 3:29AM

      Jordan came into our hotel room and looked visibly fucked up. He said police had been questioning him outside then tried to explain why but I didn’t understand. Think he was playing a joke on us.
      -Mallory, 3:38AM


      Saturday, September 29, 2012: Louisville, Kentucky to Indianapolis, Indiana

      Stopped at Country Pride restaurant on the way to Indianapolis. Asked Mal and Jordan if they wanted Xanax to maximize our food taste experience. Discovered Xanax rations have gone from 36mg to 9mg. Tried as a group to discern where it went. Jordan said, "It doesn't matter."
      -Megan, 1:13PM

      Passing a lot of fields. Jordan said "Hundreds of years ago all of these farms contained black people working against their will."
      -Megan, 1:46PM

      We have now been kicked out of the second place in a row because Sam doesn’t have his ID. You must have an ID to even get a hamburger in Indianapolis. There is a sign on every door that says NO ONE UNDER 21 ALLOWED. This goes for cookie shops and toy stores as well. “Fuck children.” That’s the Indianapolis city motto.
      -Scott, 2:00PM

      Checking into fancy hotel in Indianapolis with Megan and Mal. Extreme Adderall withdrawal. Suffering.
      -Jordan, 4:08PM

      Felt belligerent in the lobby while suppressing laughter about Megan repeatedly but politely asking for “adjoining rooms” at La Quinta Inn.
      -Mallory, 4:15PM

      Checked into adjoining rooms at La Quinta Inn in Indianapolis.
      -Megan, 4:26PM

      Extreme panic attack. Crying in parking garage of fancy hotel. Mal is on the phone with my mother.
      -Jordan, 4:38PM

      Jordan said, "Pizza is responsible for the worst depressions, I feel."
      -Megan, 4:40PM

      Walked to liquor store with Megan and Mike. Yet again felt suspicious while waiting outside the liquor store. Megan and Mike spent ~$200 on ~12 bottles of champagne and other alcohol. Decided to save bottles of champagne to pop in Chicago before each of us read.
      -Mallory, 6:37PM

      Asked Indy Reads Books employee for aluminum foil “for leftovers.” Think everyone is drunk.
      -Megan, 7:45PM

      Estimate ~40% of this reading was spent looking through a window between a pillar and an obese man.
      -Mallory, 7:53PM

      Sam taught me how to fight outside Indy Reads Books. My attack method seems bouncy. Injured his nose.
      -Megan, 8:15PM

      I just watched Mallory Whitten pee for the second time in a parking garage. She accidentally peed on her stockings this time. She is walking around and leaving little pee pee footprints all over now. This is my type of woman.
      -Scott, 11:30PM

      Emptied 2x crack vials onto aluminum foil from Indy Reads Books, heated it from underneath, and inhaled smoke through plastic straws with Sam. Sam held the foil the whole time. Seemed gentlemanly. Mutually ignored knock on door.
      -Megan, 2:24AM

      Can't remember room # I'm staying in. Megan, Mal, & Mike aren't answering their phones. Wandering around.
      -Jordan, 2:38AM


      Sunday September 30, 2012: Indianapolis, Indiana to Chicago, Illinois

      Apologized to everyone inconvenienced by my accidental locking of adjoining room door last night.
      -Megan, 11:24AM

      It felt hard to drive because Sam and Megan kept telling Jordan and I to "hush" before audibly squeezing Jordan’s two-day-old corn soufflé near my head.
      -Mallory, 12:13PM

      Eating Subway while the “Chickidi-china the Chinese chicken” Barenaked Ladies song plays loudly from the speakers.
      -Jordan, 5:12PM

      Arrived in Chicago. Napped on futon with Jordan and Sam. First nap of the day with Jordan, second with Sam.
      -Megan, 8:15PM

      Megan is reading Braveheart speech in Braveheart voice.
      -Jordan, 10:01PM

      Read “ShrimpTalk with OKCupid” with Megan in an animated manner while drinking a bottle of fancy champagne and getting poked with a broom by Sam.
      -Jordan, 10:09PM

      Mal told everyone to go outside and run in a circle around her while she read. The circle became increasingly out of control and violent until someone said something about the neighbors and it stopped.
      -Jordan, 10:17PM

      Standing next to Sam who is getting yelled at. I might also be getting yelled at. Acting “extra normal” to person yelling.
      Megan, 10:47PM

      I feel the need to hold Sam and tell him everything is going to be OK. I think we all look like ghosts. Only the hugs of Megan Boyle can keep us going.
      -Scott, 11:00PM

      Monday, October 1, 2012: Chicago, Illinois

      Saw Scott reading on the kitchen floor. He said he was going to “take off” for West Virginia because he couldn’t sleep.
      -Mallory, 2:15AM

      I was just pulled over by a county sheriff deputy in Indiana. He said: “What you doing in Indiana?” I said: “I write books and I’m on a book tour.” He said: “What type of books?” I said: “Fiction.” He said: “Like children’s books?” I didn’t respond.
      -Scott, 9:05AM

      Sam asked if the Barenaked Ladies had any songs besides the “Chinese chickenone.” Felt excited to know the answer and started singing chorus of “One Week,” then someone said it was the same song.
      -Megan, 1:05PM

      Once we could see where we were getting breakfast Sam stopped walking. He said we were just a few blocks away from his place and he was going to walk home. Jordan offered to pay for his food and he said, “No, it’s OK.” Took turns hugging Sam. I heard people say things like "ah shit, it is ending." When Sam hugged me I felt scared he squeezed a tear out of my eye so I went to the bathroom immediately after.
      -Mallory, 1:32PM

      Out of drugs. Going to eat a lot.
      -Megan, 1:35PM

      I ordered two pancakes, two eggs, and a bagel. Jordan ordered a cheeseburger and three pancakes. Megan ordered a “fiesta skillet.” Mike got fruit and bread and an egg maybe.
      -Mallory, 1:45PM

      Mike said, “They gave me a lot of cantaloupe” about his fruit bowl, which appeared to contain mostly honeydew melon.
      -Megan, 1:47PM

      Mallory paid a toll. Car has been silent for 15-20 minutes. Jordan just said, "We ate a lot of carbs."
      -Megan, 3:05PM

      Previously - What's Happening with Nicolas Cage's Face


      Topics: megan boyle, sam pink, Mallory Whitten, Scott McClanahan, Mike Bushnell, smokin' crack with pals, literary, travel, tours, readings, boyle's brains


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