CAMILLE SAINT-SAËNS PERFORMED BY MATS LIDSTRÖM AND BENGT FORSBERG
Cello Sonatas
Hyperion Reissuep |
 Saint-Saëns is back with a bang in every sense of the word. In this erotic expedition through three decades of composing, taboos shatter and personal boundaries get slathered in KY and splooge. Halfway into Sonata No. 2 in F Major, piano and cello basically hold an all-orifice orgy in a public parking lot. At one point husky Swedish pianist Bengt Forsberg even makes an appearance as a pizza delivery boy with a big surprise. Back in the day, Saint-Saëns’s contemporaries called his work dull. Now his contemporaries are all like, “Uh...” and Saint-Saëns is all like, “What’s up, bitch?”
FRED SCONE |
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 GUSTAV MAHLER PERFORMED BY THE LONDON PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA
Symphony No. 2, “Resurrection”
London Philharmonic Orchestra |
 The late Klaus Tennstedt conducts the equally late Gustav Mahler, making this the Life After Death of 19th-century Austro-Germanic late Romantics. Or at least the Tupac: Resurrection of early-20th-century modernists. Lotsa high-low tam-tams, sassy woodwinds, and sinister use of C Minor. Not terrible, but not really my thing. Which I guess is bad news for Klaus and Gus, because now they both get that little puking-guy graphic.
EVA BLATTERHOSEN |
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RICHARD STRAUSS
Ein Heldenleben (A Hero’s Life)
ANTON WEBERN
Im Sommerwind
PERFORMED BY THE CHICAGO SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA
Chicago Symphony Orchestra |
Don’t be turned off by first impressions. It’d be easy to take one look at these eight tracks, with their “hero” leitmotif, and think, “What is all this bratwurst Wagner-Beowulf bullshit?” But give it a serious spin. There’s a whole little world of intensities—pauses as well as crescendos—just waiting for the patient listener. I’m going to be totally honest here. Back when Richard Strauss thumbed his nose at tradition and set out with a bindle and a nickel in search of tone poems, I was one of those who predicted his career had flown the coop. Well, the egg is running down my face now. Our little man’s all grown up.
SHEPPARD SHANKS |
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TIMOTHY ANDRES
Shy and Mighty
Nonesuch |
Timothy Andres can tickle the fuck out of the ivories, but here he feels a little too love-struck by a certain virtuoso 19th-century French-Polish composer. Check out track 2, “The Night Jaunt.” Chopin nocturne much? Then there’s “The Tunnel,” intended as “an interstitial movement which leads nowhere.” Hmm. “Nowhere.” Is that some new slang for “so far up Chopin’s dickhole that you might as well be a UTI”?
SHEPPARD SHANKS |
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VIVALDI PERFORMED BY SERGIO AZZOLINI AND L’AURA SOAVE CREMONA
Concerti per fagotto I
Naivë |
Vivaldi’s love of bassoons is a little weird. Sure, the instrument has a tremendous range of expression, especially for the kind of contrapuntal rhythms performed here. But there are times on this recording (especially in the C Major concertos) where it feels like something else is going on. Like if one day you visited Vivaldi’s apartment and discovered some bassoon-shaped nipple hasps or jelly dongs, would you honestly be that surprised?
PETUNIA PROT |
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VARIOUS ARTISTS
Music of America: Charles Ives
Sony Masterworks |
What is this sellout bullshit? Charles Ives on Sony? Isn’t this the same guy who composed that “Fuck Sony” sonata a few years ago? What’s next? Prokofiev doing Pepsi commercials? Pablo Casals hawking Cool Ranch Doritos? It’s like something out of a Bill Hicks bit. Ives just couldn’t wait to suck that corporate cock. Unbelievable.
BALLS LARSON |
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J.S. BACH CONDUCTED BY JOHN ELIOT GARDINER
Sacred Masterpieces— Cantatas
Deutsche Grammophon |
Jesus, this thing is a fucking brick. Twenty-two CDs? Four hundred sixty-three songs? There’s an entire year’s worth of religious holidays and feasts in this collection, including every major Bach choral piece known to man. It’s like buying a pallet of Lemon Pledge at Costco. Do you really need so much?
SHEPPARD SHANKS |
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JONAS KAUFMANN AND CLAUDIO ABBADO PERFORMED WITH THE MAHLER CHAMBER ORCHESTRA
Mozart, Schubert, Beethoven, Wagner
Decca |
This is really Kaufmann’s show. He’s got great vocal scope, being a lirico spinto, a rare lyrical tenor who can cut through all the bullshit of most orchestras with one yelp. It’s a strong, sinewy, lumberjacky voice, but with all the flex of a yoga instructor. Imagine what kind of freaky stuff a guy like that could do in the sack.
PETUNIA PROT |
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J.S. BACH PERFORMED BY TIMO KORHONEN
Partitas for Solo Violin
Ondine |
OK, sure. It’s nice to see someone administering CPR on the poor partita. And Bach is always good in small doses, like a little wedge of brie on a wheat cracker. But Korhonen? Dude’s an entire bag of cheese. In Partita No. 3, he zips off a rapid-fire preludio with a blast of fancy-finger semiquavers. Sorry, bro—this isn’t the kitchenette at a college dorm party, and we’re not a bunch of teenage girls acting impressed so you’ll sneak us a wine cooler from your roommate’s minifridge. What a cheesebag.
FRED SCONE |
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VARIOUS ARTISTS
Music of America: John Williams
Sony Masterworks |
The sick freak known as John Williams strikes another blow against human decency. This time around, he’s got a taste for irony: Naming a J.W. album Music of America is like calling Al-Qaeda an “international youth organization.” Then again, that’s not really a good analogy—Osama & Co. have really only been in the game for the past 18 years. John Williams has been assaulting America for 60 fucking years. He’s like one of those Japanese anime porno monsters with 90 dicks that goes around raping skyscrapers and smearing diarrhea all over freeways. How do you stop him?
SNID DADKOK |
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FELIX MENDELSSOHN PERFORMED BY VARIOUS ARTISTS
Songs and Duets, Vol. 5
Hyperion |
What did I do to deserve this? I pay my taxes, I use deodorant, I tip well in restaurants. And for that I get this? OK, Mendelssohn was a child prodigy. Big frig. So was Danny Bonaduce. Between Katherine Broderick’s ice-woman soprano and Felix’s wink to Joseph von Eichendorff’s Frische Fahrt (you read that right), this all feels like some terrible cosmic punishment. I’d rather listen to reggaeton in a hot Porta John while glue-gunned to Wolf Blitzer’s taint. And Danny Bonaduce’s taint. One on each forearm.
JANITT KLAMSTON |
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CHOPIN PERFORMED BY STEPHEN HOUGH
Late Masterpieces
Hyperion |
This is a delightful cracker barrel of late-inning Chopin. Essential stuff. There’s Polish folk dance in triple meter, fugue and counterpoint, solid little mazurkas, and two sweet, wet sonatas rounding out the whole collection like a smooth purple-drank nightcap. Chopin was such a crusty, lovable, huggable little coot. Kind of like Santa without the morbid obesity or dander.
EVA BLATTERHOSEN |
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HILDEGARD VON BINGEN PERFORMED BY THE COLOGNE SEQUENTIA ENSEMBLE FOR MEDIEVAL MUSIC
Canticles of Ecstasy
RCA |
This is a smart little recording from the lady who brought you the Rupertsberg convent. If you’re not familiar with monophony or Marian antiphons, this might be a little disorienting, but stick with it. Hildy’s worth the effort. Back in the 12th century, music was the IM service between humans and God, and all these pieces are belted out in God’s own language, Latin (all except “Instramentalstuck,” the LP’s lone, unwelcome “TV Party” moment). Hopefully the Sequentia Ensemble did their homework. It’d be a real bummer if a mistranslation summoned up some Evil Dead-type scenario.
SHEPPARD SHANKS |
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AARON COPLAND PERFORMED BY THE CINCINNATI POPS ORCHESTRA
Copland: The Music of America
Telarc |
Why do people keep calling their albums Music of America?!? Stacked up next to John Williams, Copland is a lightweight. But that’s kind of like saying Ed Gein was a lightweight when stacked up next to Josef Mengele. At first glance, Copland’s sunny-time-express shtick seems benign enough on this selection, like a big brown droopy mole you don’t have the time or money to get removed. But the next thing you know you’ve got a Thomas Kinkade painting bouncing around in your brain. Run!
EVA BLATTERHOSEN |
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JOHANNES BRAHMS PERFORMED BY ANGELIKA KIRCHSCHLAGER AND GRAHAM JOHNSON
The Complete Songs, Vol. 1
Hyperion |
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ANTONÍN DVOŘÁK PERFORMED BY THE EMERSON STRING QUARTET
Old World-New World
Deutsche Grammophon |
Is your idea of a good time listening to adapted Ukrainian folk ballads slowed to an andante-tempo tortoise fart? Then have I got a record for you. Violist Paul Neubauer runs DvorŠák’s 10th and 11th Quartets through the Snooze Machine, sprinkling in several hundred pounds of allegro scherzando sleepy-dust along the way. You can actually hear one of the Emerson brothers snoring during the third allegro. DvorŠák apparently wrote this quintet after a long, hot summer of vacationing in 1893 Iowa. And here I was thinking that state was only good for producing cow methane and Tom Arnold. Yawn.
SHEPPARD SHANKS |
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HAVERGAL BRIAN PERFORMED BY TONY ROWE, ADRIAN LEAPER
Symphonies 11 and 15
Ireland RTE´ National Symphony |
Ever see a fat kid jiggling down the sidewalk in a WHY BE NORMAL shirt and feel an overwhelming urge to pity-hug? Same deal here. Composer Havergal Brian cuts loose with a very-late-career “Comedy Overture.” There are pippy flute motifs, and a silly salute to Strauss’s Don Quixote. Symphony No. 11 undercuts its own adagio with some zany sleigh bells. Ease up, Patch Adams—my funny bone can only take so much.
JANITT KLAMSTON |
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SONDRA RADVANOVSKY PERFORMED WITH CONSTANTINE ORBELIAN CONDUCTING THE PHILHARMONIA OF RUSSIA
Verdi Arias
Delos |
Maybe you’re a little burned out on Italian opera composers of the 19th century. Hey, who isn’t? Well, put on your dancing shoes my friend, because Sondra Radvanovsky just came to town. This lady doesn’t merely breath new life into the stale arias of yesteryear—she can act figure eights around any A-list Hollywood starlet in the biz. Just listen to her heartbreak, as Aida the Ethiopian Slave, in O patria mia (from act 3 of Aida). If you ever need to whip up some tears for a job interview or jury duty, just pop this bad boy into your iPod.
JANITT KLAMSTON |
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STING
Symphonicities
Deutsche Grammophon |
“Sir! Where do you want the prisoners?”
“Those Al-Qaeda shitstains? Guantánamo’s too good for ’em!”
“Sir?
“We gotta show these maggotqueefs we mean business!”
“Sir?”
“Are you aware that Sting has rehashed his hits with a 45-piece orchestra? That he rerecorded ‘Englishman in New York’? That he added a fucking harp to ‘Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic’? Can you imagine how destructive this recording would be on the human psyche?!?”
“But... Geneva... sir...”
“Don’t cry to me about the Geneva Conventions! We’re fighting a war! Get iTunes on the horn! That is a direct order!”
“Sir! Yes sir!”
FRED SCONE |
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MAX RICHTER
Infra
FatCat Records |
I get what Richter is trying to do here. I respect the symbiosis of electronic innovation and traditional classicism. There are some moving cinematic moments in this, his fifth LP, and some very intriguing combinations of strings (sharp violins, belligerent cello) and mechanical ambience (electronic, sampled, commissioned bits from London’s Royal Ballet). Although Infra breaks no major new ground, there are many memorable little interludes and artificially induced soundscapes. What I’m not so into are the parts that make me feel like I’ve just smoked a pack of PCP blunts and stepped into City Hall wearing nothing but tube socks and a ski mask.
JANITT KLAMSTON |
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PHILIP GLASS PERFORMED BY THE CARDUCCI QUARTET
String Quartets 1-4
Naxos |
I’m still not totally sold on the idea that the best way to fight the scourge of Schoenberg-style 12-tone serialism is to write 600 insufferable minimalist art compositions. It’s like trying to fight World War II by painting everyone’s doorknob blue.
PAL PETERSON |
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BENJAMIN BRITTEN PERFORMED BY GERALD FINLEY AND JULIUS DRAKE
Songs and Proverbs of William Blake
Hyperion |
What do you get when you cross Gerald Finley’s baritone with William Blake’s mind? A really spooky record is what. You can play this at your next Halloween party for some nervous yuks. But keep in mind that a whackadoo serial killer is probably listening to the exact same song in a basement dungeon somewhere while jerking off and crying.
FRED SCONE |
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DMITRI SHOSTAKOVICH PERFORMED BY ALEXANDER MELNIKOV
Preludes and Fugues
Harmonia Mundi |
Shostakovich seems like a nice guy, and he got dicked around plenty by the Commies. So I’d like to cut him a break. And I understand there is such a thing as Romantic quietude, and I get that he wants to throw in some Russian folk songs and klezmer for the home audience. Great. But godDAMN these are some listless preludes and fugues. Makes me feel like a big bean bag plopped down in an even bigger bag eating a big bowl of Jello. Harmonia Mundi should include some smelling salts in the jewel case.
EVA BLATTERHOSEN |
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BROOKLYN RIDER
Dominant Curve
In a Circle Records |
If you can get over the name Brooklyn Rider (and you shouldn’t, because it’s wretched), this is totally kick-ass Debussy worship. The String Quartet in G showcases some wild Javanese gamelan, and later in the recording a brazen string arrangement of John Cage’s “In a Landscape”—meant for harp but given balls for the occasion—totally pays off. These guys are like motocross daredevils who never screw up a stunt. Eventually someone’s going to get carried away on a stretcher with a clavicle popping out of their chest, but until then we can all enjoy the show.
HAM BLAPP |
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ALBERTO GINASTERA
Popol Vuh: The Mayan Creation
Naxos |
Really? You actually think we’re such yokels that we’re not going to spot all those classic Argentine folk songs you “quoted”? “Danza del Trigo”? Yeah, that’s original. “Malambo”? That would be a real kick if this were the early 1600s. Oh, and almost all this material has been released someplace else first. R-I-P-O-F-F.
PAL PETERSON |
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MOZART PERFORMED BY THE ACADEMY OF ST. MARTIN IN THE FIELDS
Flute Concertos; Concerto for Flute and Harp
RCA |
Sometimes you have to decide that you just don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks. I figured that shit out when I was four. Mozart figured it out when he was two. This collection of concertos were all written for flute, an instrument Mozart thought was a pile of shit. And guess what? Each piece is a brutal Salzburg curb-stomp. That’s what a badass he was. Concerto No. 2 in D Major was originally oboe-bound, but after Mozart kicked the living shit out of local amateur musician Ferdinand de Jean, he thought he’d further humiliate the fat bastard by making him do one of his pieces on the flute. The only instrument he hated more than flute was harp. So guess what pops up in Concerto No. 3? Harp! Fucking Mozart. Man, I’d love to fight that guy.
FISTOPHER CLOBBORTSON |
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ROBERT SCHUMANN PERFORMED BY VARIOUS ARTISTS
Chamber Music
EMI Classics |
Some major monster party boner jams on this sophomore effort by Big Boy Schumann. Serious brank-ass jimmy-hat jim-jams. Here’s how it works. Holding a bat mitzvah for your niece? Don’t play this. Doing a surprise bachelorette party for the chick in apartment 8G? Turn that shit up! Back that shit up! Schuuuuuuuuuumaaaaaann!!!!!
CLYDESDALE OYNKE |
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ANGELA HEWITT
Beethoven Piano Sonatas, Vol. 3
Hyperion |
Canadian pianist Angela Hewitt knows how to Beethoven. First, there’s the juxtaposition. Lesser-known works ride shotgun with “Moonlight.” That’s class. Then there’s movement 3, “Marcia funebra sulla morte d’un eroe,” which further resonates with “Moonlight” and is preceded by a breathtakingly implemented presto agitato. Then there’s the dazzling, virtuoso variations in the Sonata in A Major. Then there’s the glossy insert photo featuring glorious full-frontal nudes of both Ludwig and Angela. Very brave, and very classy.
PAULA SPOOP |
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JACOBUS VAET PERFORMED BY THE DUFAY ENSEMBLE AND ECKEHARD KIEM
Vol. 1
Ars Musici |
The Renaissance was a neglected period in musical history, and a lot of screwballs ruled the roost. Vaet was one of the screwiest of all screwballs. But you’d have to be a little chow mein in the membrane to write competent polyphonic compositions in the 16th century. And even though these are all religious pieces, they’re from some kooky FUBAR religion that worships a one-eyed lizard god who demands pitch-to-pitch chromatic alteration in a variety of human voices. Man, Renaissance times were messed up.
LEE SPRIZZLE |
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